Kama Tujhe Salaam

Here we go. The most horrid and lamest google research I have ever done is presented below. Ever since my early teenage days I was always obsessed with debunking the typical "sex" related conventions in our country using logical and rational thinking. Back then I always knew by an inside gut feeling that our country has a whole pile of sexually starved pervert maniacs. Somehow assembling the facts and data to screw a moral police dick was not possible till I got this amazing google trends search.

The idea was very simple. I did a couple of lame search just by thinking what would the pervert maniacs type in google when they sit infront of the Internet for the first time. Using this sort of glass logic I came up with interesting findings which I couldn't resist myself but to share with everyone over here.Forgive me admins if this post breaks the usual guidelines of the LOL Contest. As of my concern , I have been loling since I found them :P

First search I did was "how to have sex". Yes you are right , the lamest search ever possible on the planet. The below is the state wise ranking of the highest number of searches made on this keyword.

You can see Tamil Nadu, Karnataka and Delhi are the top states where people want to know "how to have sex". :P

Second pathetic search was "how to rape". yes you heard me right !! A crash course on the art of rape :P. Initially I thought this search probably wont have any results but to my surprise it exactly showed the results based on the frequency of actual rape cases in India.

As expected Delhi was way ahead than the others. Well Delhi is infamous for its frequency of incidents than any other state in the country.

Now here comes the shocker !! I searched "gay xxx" just to get a rough clue on which state can possibly have the most number of gays. After the results , I have pledged that I'll try my best to keep myself away from these states (:P)

Heres something that is still a good sign. This graph below shows that there has been a considerable decline in the amount of gay related searches done over the recent years in India.

But then we have a final bad sign. The beast inside! I searched the word "Incest" and compared it to a global search trend. There we are "the land of kamasutra" is the way ahead of all the countries in the world with secret desires to have sex within their own family members.

People next time onwards when some elderly person in his late forties with a typical underachiever look comes to you and rants about how great our Indian traditions are than the rest of the world and when moral police tries to dick with your personal freedom in the name of culture and tradition show them these stats above. You can verify it for yourself using the google trend!

What exactly is google trends?
Google Trends shows how often a particular search term is entered relative the total search volume across various regions of the world, and in various languages.Google Trends also allows the user to compare the volume of searches between two or more terms. An additional feature of Google Trends is in its ability to show news related to the search term overlaid on the chart showing how new events affect search popularity.


Link: trends.google.com

Wives & Husbands!

(This is Asbah's entry for the contest. Just posting on her behalf)
Pre-Script: Wife cursing the hubby

Wife: Udhar dekhiye. Udhar dekhiye. A brand new TV our neighbours got!
Husband: I know sweetheart, but don’t we have world vision? Why worry?
Wife: Udhar dekhiye. Udhar dekhiye. A brand new refrigerator Simpsons have got!
Husband: I know sweetheart, but don’t we have automations? Why worry?
Wife: (ghussay mai) suno na, the pados walay have bought a new home
Husband: Aray we have the wholeeeeeee world as our own! Why worry?
Wife: Pata nahi kab serious hu gay, guess what? samnay walay have a new car - kuch tum bhi socho na
Husband: Aray bholi begum, we can always ride for free, remember? Lets have some fun :D

*grabs her by legs and fly off to land onto the moving cow*
*and sings!*

Of birds & flamingoes!!

Sandeep: 1…2….3….4….5….
Ste: What are you doing?
Sandeep: Counting birds
Ste: Why count birds when you have such gorgeous flamingoes at that table?
Sandeep: I prefer birds
Ste: Let me go and catch some flamingoes
Sandeep: Best of luck bro. I will catch you at home.
*1 hour later at Sandeep's home. Ste has just walked in*
Sandeep: 1….2…3….4….5…
Ste: What are you doing?
Sandeep: Seems flamingoes attacked you! Counting all those finger imprints on your cheek!

Manoranjan Ka Baap!

Pre- Script: Ste is sipping masala tea at the chaiwala bang opposite his “takemytrip.com” office. A car stops bang in front of him

Stranger: Could you please guide me to the office of “takemytrip.com”?
Ste: Ofcourse. Go straight. Take a left. Take the first right after the fountain. Keep going straight. Once you reach “Lovers point” park, anyone can guide you to the office. It’s bang opposite the park.
Stranger: Thanks a ton
Ste: My pleasure
*Car zips away*
Chaiwala: Saab, yeh to aapka hi office hain. Aisa kyun kiya?
Ste: Ha ha. Apne baap ka kya jaata hain. He he he.
*Back at the office*
HR: Sir, this is Ste. Ste, meet our new MD.
*Gulps. The new MD turns out to be the same stranger*
MD: Meet me in the office *Leaves*
Ste: Baap re Baap!

Twist in Mama's secret muse

pre-script: Mama's secret muse

Me: So Howz your cheek??
Ste: Rocks man !!
Me: I know...my sources tell me that: D
Ste: hahaha.
Me: Take good care dost
Ste: haha..ya ya.. She’s coming to Mumbai in may..
Me: what? What are you talking about?
Ste: You were asking about my chick right? My gal?
Me: No man.. I was talking about your right cheek, your face.. I heard you got a tight one from your Dad yesterday... for chatting late night in gmail.
Ste: Oh..feeling better... applying ice on it.

Mama's Secret Muse

Me: So Howzz ur chick??
Ste: my chick rocks man
Me: I know...my sources tell me that :D
Ste: hahaha
She’s coming to Mumbai in may
Me: Ohh..So who is it really...Is it her (takes a name of a blogger on the Lounge) ??
Ste: Saale she looks like an aunty ...lol...Give me some respect :D
Me: Ohh.. so is it her then(takes a name of another blogger on the Lounge) ??
Ste: I like her but she’s already commited :(
Me: then who is it? No wait I know is it her?(takes a name of someone else on the lounge)
Ste: arey nahin ..She’s my sister re
Me: Then who is it ??
Ste: Arey she’s in Orkut re..A Damsel..She’s coming to Mumbai soon ..Will meet her then.

Damn...A Damsel :P
So who is it Stephen :D

The Great Recession

Employees: We need recognition for our work!
HR SPOC: Please don't create a scene here
Employees: What do you mean by saying that we won't be promoted this year? Despite performing exceedingly well!
HR SPOC: You need to understand the market dynamics. We are on the cost-cutting drive.
Employees: We need recognition. We need recognition.
*HR SPOC heads towards HR head's cabin to discuss*
HR SPOC: Sir, they are not willing to even hear me out. This is the letter they have handed to me which has been signed by 100 employees.
HR Head: Hmmm...100 employees..They need recognition right? Sack 60 of them at random. The remaining 40 will automatically feel recognised!

#Lines: 7

LOL contest - phew!!

Hi Family,

The last two weeks has seen one of the best phases of WL. We have laughed our hearts out. Humour is a difficult genre to attempt...and a 12 dialogue one is like making it tougher. But the lounge responded to the challenge in a way only it could. The response has been overwhelming. This contest has broken all existing records of posts attempted here at the lounge for a contest. And each one of these have been a class apart. A big thanks to all those who are not comfortable with this genre but still took the challenge heads on! We appreciate that.

Seeing such enthusiastic response to LOL@Lounge contest, we have decided to revise the submission rules a bit. We believe that humour as a genre does not let you choose your best work and its best left on the reader to judge on that. So we are looking at a solution where we could let the reader judge the best work out of all the enteries out here rather than writers shortlisting their best work and sending it to us. We will come back with the revised rule of submitting your entries tomorrow morning. Till then keep LOL'ing.

We are extending the "LOL @ Lounge" contest till 7 pm of 7th April. For all those who are yet to post their works here, please hurry. Lets celebrate this last day of this laugh-a-thon with a flurry of humour posts and make this contest the most memborable one for months to come!

We are celebrating 6th of April as the "Laugh-a-thon" day, marking the last day of the LOL contest. Lets go for the kill one last time.......laugh till you drop dead! ;-)

Cheers,
WL Admin

Campus Placements XI

Pre-script: In continuation of this post.
The next week at Dr. Ready's Lavoratories.

Neha: A real degree and a GPA of 4.. lands me nose deep in work. Handling 2 jobs. And look at Sandeep! Na degree, na tension, na kuch. Serve coffee, make money, enjoy life! Aah.. think of the devil and he arrives. Look at him, smiling! Kya hua? Itna khush kyun hai tu? Promotion to mera hua hai.

Sandeep: Neha... oh Neha... kya bataoon mujhe kya hua hai! Main thehra raha zameen chalne lagi... kya yeh mera pehla pehla pyar hai...

Neha: Haan... yeh tera pehla pyaar hai... is hafte ka... aaj monday hai na!

Sandeep: Pehla pehla pyaar hai... pehli pehli baar hai...

Neha: Okay, okay... but who's it? Kiski shaamat aayi hai is baar?

Sandeep: Shaamat? Shaamat nahi bey, kismat bol kismat! Kismat chamki hai jo mera dil aa gaya hai... teri assistant Sakhu pe!

Neha: Haan? Sakhubai? Really? Yeh kaise hua? Kab hua?

Sandeep: Saturday ki baat hai. Main yahan table saaf kar raha thha. Kisi ki matakti kamar ne meri nazaron ko apni taraf kheencha. Maine kaha "Ae Masakali Masakali, uff Matakali Matakali..." Aur usne meri taraf mudkar dekha. Uff woh aankhen, woh adaayen! Phir jhaadu dikhaakar bola "Melya..." Main to wahin fida ho gaya! Neha, bas mere liye ek aur favor kar de Neha.. tu meri sachchi dost hai na? Neha... main tujhse request kar raha hoon... meri love story bana de yaara, Sakhu ke saath meri love story bana de!"

Neha: (is too dazed to react) ...

#9 lines

(PS: Melya: One of the words used for swearing in Marathi)

Campus placements X

Sandeep: The hygiene incharge!! Me??
Mr. Bhatia: Congrats Sandeep! Congrats! You deserve it!
Neha : Congrats Sandeep *chuckles*
*Suddenly, the HR walks in*
HR: Sorry Sir, What on earth is happening here?
Mr. Bhatia: Nothing. We just promoted Sandeep to become the hygiene incharge.
HR: You can't do that Sir. He does not have a valid degree. We need an MBA for that role. And that too, an MBA in pharma!
Mr. Bhatia: Oh!
HR: And its a violation of our contract with him as well.
Mr. Bhatia: We desperately need a hygiene incharge. Where will be get an MBA(pharma) from??
Sandeep: Sir, right here! Our Neha is an MBA in pharma sir. Molecules have been her first love. She even did a project on "Chemical reactions in a closet and the role of molecules" for her summers with our competitor "Get Set...Let Go" lavoratories, Sir.
Mr. Bhatia: *Looks at Neha with admiration* Now you will be handling two roles.
HR: We are adding Rs. 101 to your CTC rightaway.
Neha: *Tears of joy*

Campus Placements IX

Pre-script: In continuation of this post.

Neha has been handling customers day in and day out. Today has been unusually heavy though. Seems like there's a gastro or diarrhoea epidemic in the city. At the end of the day, however, Neha is happy because more business means good news. And good news during the recession is rare. To handle the extra business, Dr. Ready's Lavatories have appointed another receptionist to handle the night shift. She's just arrived and is taking over from Neha.

Neha: And here, Kajal, these are the books where you make the entries. You know the cash registers and all, right? Phew, what a busy day! I am outta here.

Meanwhile, Sandeep walks in.

Neha: Arey Sandeep, what are you doing here? I didn't even call for coffee. Neither did Mr. Bhatia. Oh, you came here on seeing Kajal? (turns to Kajal) This is Sandeep. It's a ritual that every girl who walks into this office MUST be first introduced to Sandeep. He enjoys a slightly less-paying albeit better job than us. This recession, I tell you! Oh, how come you are here? And what is this broom in your hand for?

Mr. Bhatia enters right then.

Mr. Bhatia: Arey Sandeep, chalo chalo, kaam par lag jao. Go inside. Neha, you must learn from him. This young man has surprised us with his hardwork and dedication. So, we have decided to promote him from a peon to the Hygiene in-charge. He will personally inspect each of our company's offerings (lavatories) before the customer can avail of our services.

Neha: (suppressing a laugh) promoted? Absolutely sir! I am sure he will handle the pressure even better than all of us here!

#6 lines

Campus placements VIII

Sandeep: Coffee for you madam

Neha: Thank you! You never do bring one when i call you from my desk!!

Sandeep: Eh! Mr. Bhatia has asked me not to serve in that section. Does not leave a good impression on the guests

Neha: Whatever!

Mr. Bhatia: Thank you Sandeep. You are doing a great job. As a part of our contract, come what may, you will only serve tea/coffee for us. We will start off the conference now. Neha, please take notes.

Neha: Yes sir

*2 hours after the conference gets over, Neha comes back to her desk. She calls up Ste from her mobile and starts crying*

Ste: You think my job is fun! I am sick and tired of sitting here at the Sulabh Shouchalaya and counting 1 Re. and 2 Re. coins. The great recession has spared no one and we are forced to charge as well. And private companies like you are hitting on our business model too!!

Neha: This seems to be the only stable thing dude. Recession or no recession!

Ste: Sandeep is so better off. Serving tea/coffee to employees is so cool. Atleast he does not die a silent death every minute like us!

Neha: You bet. Hey Ste...I will call you later. A customer is here!

*Disconnects her mobile. Wipes off her tears and clears her throat*

Neha: Good morning. Dr. Ready's lavarotary reception. Neha here. Right Sir. The western toilet for 5 Rs. and Indian for 3 Rs. You can avail Special summer discount of 40% for yearly membership! Dr. Ready's Lavarotary...Always "READY" for you...We handle pressure better...since 1970.

Campus Placements VII

Pre-script: In continuation of this post and this post.

Interviewer: (looks at Neha from head to toe) really? That's your ID? 

Neha: (uncomfortably) Uh... yes sir. I had created this in school.

Interviewer: Oh that's okay! Everyone does crazy things in school. Even I have an ID that I'd made in school: handsome_hunk74@yahoo.com. But I am sure you will mail us your new ID.

Neha: (delighted) Sure sir! Sir, can you do me a favor?

Interviewer: Sure, tell me!

Neha: Sir, I request you to take my friend Sandeep also in this company. His degree is fake and no one is ready to give him a job. 

Interviewer: Well, okay... done!

One month later, at Dr. Ready's Laboratories.

Mr. Bhatia (Neha's boss): Arey Sandeep, yahan conference room mein 4 chai lana. (turns to Neha) Neha, coffee for you? 

Neha: Sure sir!

Mr. Bhatia: Sandeep, madam ke liye coffee. Jaldi!

Sandeep: (to himself) sigh! paapi pet ke liye yeh bhi sahi!  

#12 lines

 

Campus Placements VI

Pre-script: In continuation of this post. The Interviewer calls Sandeep while he was excited with his newly found "Cream" Job.

Sandeep: May I come in Sir.
Interviewer: Sandeep, we have a bad news for you after reading your Resume.
Sandeep: What Bad news!! Sir, Is my package increasing? *winks*
Interviewer: Sandeep ,we are not in a position to recruit you because of your "Yem Bee Aye " degree.We want eligible candidates with "MBA" and not "Yem Bee Aye" degree.
Sandeep: Sir, even Ste and Neha have done the same course.
Interviewer: No ,Sandeep. They have valid "MBA" degree in their hand.
Sandeep: Oh my god! My Institute fooled me by offering me a course in "Yem Bee Aye"
Interviewer: Oh!!
Sandeep:Why didn't I realize this when I was the only one attending lectures during my "Yem Bee Aye" class. :(
Interviewer: We are really sorry Sandeep. Good luck for your future.
Sandeep: Huh ! What future Sir? What can I do with this "Yem Bee Aye".

Campus placements V

Sandeep: Shit! No problem. Paapi pet ke liye yeh bhi sahi
Ste: Booo...boooo...ha ha ha
Placecomm member: Neha, you are wanted inside
Neha: May I come in Sir?
Interviewer: Hi Neha. We are impressed with your credentials.
Neha: Thank you sir.
Interviewer: Can you please fill in your email id so that we could be in touch with you?
Neha: Errr...Sir, Can i give you my email id in an hour? I need to make a new one.
Interviewer: We have to forward your email id to our corporate office this instant. Don't tell me you don't have one!
Neha: I do sir. But...but...I had made this one back in school...
Interviewer: Give us that one atleast. You could update us with the new one later.
Neha: It's...It's....Sir...but...
Interviewer: It's fine. Tell me...
Neha: hotnehacutiepie84@gmail.com

Lessons in Excellence - IV

Prats: Twinkle twinkle little star...
Lounge: Twinkle twinkle little star....
Prats: Ste ko de do thoda sa pyaar...
Lounge: Ste ko de do thoda sa pyaar...
Prats: Ek do teen chaar...
Lounge: Ek do teen chaar...
Prats: Sirf pyaar, No atyachaar...
Lounge: No pyaar, Sirf atyachaar...
Prats: This style of poetry is called "generosity evoking" poetry. It is used to highlight the plight of the subject and request people to show some mercy on whom the poetry is written. The change that you people made in the last line was beautiful and is a variant of this genre. Invented in mallu land and made famous by some Balan guy.
Lounge: *Takes notes. Nod their heads & look on with admiration*

Campus Placements IV

Pre-script: In continuation of this post. The results of campus placements are announced.

Sandeep: Ste, Neha.. boooo... to you two!!! Yaays! Whatta beginning I got! To start off with marketing, that too digital marketing... with such a nice company... Ideaaa cellullar... Wow... I tell you I am the best!
Ste: My April fool joke cost me too much. Now what will happen to me?
Neha: They gave Sandy the job, despite me having a CGPA of 4 on 4! That's so unfair!
Meanwhile, Placecomm member comes to make announcements.
Placecomm member: (Announces) Sandeep....
Sandeep: (excitedly) Yes!
Placecomm member: The company has indicated that they want you to join right away. You will be working on a project called "Marks se No Marks. Ab sach mein possible!"
Sandeep: (confused) eh... what's that? You must be mistaken. I have got a job with Ideaa Cellullar!
Placecomm member: Heheheh... Ideaa Cellullar, aur tu? YOU must be mistaken! Jaa.. ab cream bech! "Marks se no marks..."

#9 lines

2009 Elections!!!!

Prats: Guys!! Its Election time...so tell me you guys gonna vote for whom?..
Kajal: I will vote for Laloo Prasad.
Faiz: me for P Chidambaram.
Hashan: Me for Manmohan Singh..
Nandini: I will vote for Milind Deora
Kings: Jayalalitha.
Ste: I will vote for Sharad Pawar
Tan: I will vote for LK Advani.
Hashan: Me for Yedurappa.
Sandeep : I will vote for Mr.Barack Obama
Tan,Prats,Nandini,Hashan,Kajal,Ste and Kings in Unison: What??????
Sandeep :Obama is the one who is contesting from "Trichur" naa

Lines :12

Lessons in Excellence - III

Pre-script: Inspired from Lessons in Excellence - II

Prats: Jab tak rahega samose mein aaloo,
Lounge: Tab tak rahega leg pulling chaloo.
Prats: Jab tak hai hathoon mein hath,
Lounge : Tab tak lagayenge Ste ka watt !!

Prats: very good..very good! Now rhyme this...

Prats: 'Tu tu tu… tu tu tara…'
Lounge: Chota Ste hai bohot pyara :)
Prats: Mere dil mein phir se ek khayal aya
Lounge: Kya Ste ne aaj phir nahi nahaya???


Prats: This style of poetry is called " Jobless style " poetry.Made famous by a student of some Balan guy.

Lounge: *Takes notes. Nod their heads & Look on with admiration*

#of lines 11

The C.C Situation

Prescript: Rak and Kev are waiting in queue, to get their stuff billed at the city’s biggest mall. They have been recruited straight from college by a prestigious construction company just a week ago

Kev: Check out all the grocery she has bought, I bet she is getting ready for Armageddon

Rak: Shut up and see whether she is paying by cash or card

Kev: Why are you so nervous? We have enough credit in that thing

Rak: Dude, I know about credit and debit, it’s just that I have never used a credit card before

Kev: Chill dude, it’s just like how we do with the other card. Hey, it’s our turn… remind him that the shirt come with a 50% discount

While the cashier billed the items, Kev produced a one rupee coin from his jeans pocket and gave it to Rak

Cashier: Cash or card, sir?

Kev: He is paying by card…. credit card!!

Kev took the bill from the cashier and flashed a confident smile; the same smile which he believes got him through the HR round. While he scrutinised the receipt, the cashier stretched himself and started popping his knuckles

.

.

Rak, on the other hand, almost in slow motion, took out the virgin credit card from his purse…. kept it on the counter… and with the one rupee coin, started scratching the magnetic stripe.

I love telling this story, even though Rak gave us a treat to keep this incident, which never occurred, a secret :D

Lines: ten, tenaana, ten, ten....