Will you still love me? Part 5

A story of Insecurity after betrayal, hope after reassurance and ... Love after tears

Continued from Here

HIM

I felt alone walking past a busy street. It was 8 in the night, Friday was ending, seducing the hyper maniac crowd of Delhi into the weekend frenzy. There were people in metro who knew nothing about each other and yet passed a smile, just to rejoice the collective freedom from work. I was standing right there between them, frozen into the numbness of the strange emotions that all electrified my senses for the moment. I walked out of the compartment, out of the noisy cheerful aroma of the platform, out on the celebration of life on the street, silently walking towards my friend's apartment, where I had planned to spend the weekend watching football matches and drinking beer, but somehow I felt like doing none of that at the moment. Those eyes, Those irritated angry mysterious and enigmatic eyes. Those beautiful eyes, they chased me along with the words that I read. Those painful words that tip toed silently into my thought process and here I am cluelessly trying to find the reason behind them, knowing that I should not give a damn. But yet. 

4 hours back ... I was happy. I was cheerful, It had been going as I had hoped it would. Miss Too-beautiful-and-Too-confusing and me had our first conversation, and I soon realized how true is the saying that people with strong hostility shield around them are like coconuts, soft from Inside and hard from the outside. I mean, here is this one girl who gives me these cold looks whole of two weeks or something and the moment we first chit chatted, she was so warm, so good, so joyful, and so friendly. The most beautiful eyes in the world, looks even more beautiful when there is a smile on that angelic face. She was intriguing to say the least, I mean like her or hate her, but she was the kind that you would notice.

The laughs came to a halt as time pushed us to return back to work and a bizzare serendipity occurs.

Here I am, on my desk, take phone out from its leather cover, trying to put earpods and switchin on the music player on my cell. I unlock the keypad by the usual "menu" + "*" combination and what I see is miss-enigma herself, wearing a white plain suit,red dupatta, blue bangles and pink nail polish, looking like an absolute adorable kiddo, standing next to a lady who might be in her early 40s or something, who apparently looked like her mom or something. That wallpaper pic also had a birthday cake which said "happy 19 years angel", so that means it was an old pic. She looked just the same though, with a bit more life may be. This seemed interesting, I clicked on --> Gallery and then on the folder Photos --> Personal pics (to find what archives of this beautiful girl I can see which might reveal more of the real her) but what I found Instead was a text draft that read "Me"

I clicked it open.

14 Feb, 2009

.... Not even in my distant dream I thought that dreams would ever come true

I thought some people might fall for me but I never thought one of them could be you

of rainbows and showers, of breezes and flowers, of destiny and love

beyond the promises, beyond the stars, beyond the heavens up above.

29 March, 2009

Seven years we had known each other

from days of laughter, days of friendship, days of love

Yet when today you held me in your arms

and planted those lips of yours to mine

I felt Its the first time we have ever met.

I felt that I would like to explore my whole life, the lover in you!

8 April 2009

The tender touch

The raindrops

Ok It was your shower

so what

Under those wet moments

we saw a dream

The more I recall last afternoon

The more I smile

It was so unplanned

It was so blissful

I your arms, feeling your breath, sins drive my smiles.

The sins that you persuade me to do

The sins I enjoy every second of their occurance

and the everlasting happiness of acceptance

That stays beyond the moment of those sweet sins ;)

15 June, 2011

12 pills. 4 for every 1 of those 3 times that you sold me. 

12 more pills, 4 for every time you entered the cage of my body

12 more pills, 4 for every time I swallowed your love

12 more pills, for the 12 times I saw myself doing the regrettable

12 more pills for the 12,00,000 people who enjoyed my sale

How could you? Why did you? For what? 

I smile for the mistakes I did

I smile for the coward you are

I smile for the fool I was

I smile for the trust that was

I smile for the life of those lies

I smile for the death of this bird, The one that lived in me

I close my eyes, and wish that u die a more painful death then mine

30 August, 2011

My life has not been saved

I have returned to this world, Dead

15 May 2009

To Escape into the mountain forest

The bird jumps from the trees above

midway in her flight she realize

her wings are not with her anymore

2 September 2009

I drink to sleep, I blink to sleep

I cry to sleep, I try to sleep

The one thought that never let me sleep

is that out there, people are watching me sleep

every night before they sleep

6 December 2009

Blood all around me, The blood of my legacy

The blood of my recognition

The blood of my achievement

The blood of my victory

The blood of my defeat... The blood of the girl in me, who for the world shall stay a whore

I cut. I bleed. I die.

1 Jan 2010

They saved me again

"Buzz" his phone beeped, and He realized that Its 10 and he had been standing there outside his friends apartment for almost 1 hour. He was so lost in the thoughts that he just could not realize the time passing by. He took his phone out from his pocket, It was from office. Strange! They never call at night! 

"Hi Suraj, This is devyati from work, Did I disturb your pre-weekend party?", It was a senior from the editorial department.

"Oh! Not at all mam, It is yet to get started", he replied casually.

"well I have a pretty spoiler coming your way then" she laughed.

"shoot mam, I am already in a not so party mood, the news might not affect me much anyways" He smiled in a lighter tone

"I want you to do me a favor, please fill in for the Sunday entertainment page, the soul-curry column inputs"

"I shall do that mam, but were they not suppose to be provided by your favorite intern in the team"

"Ah! She mailed me in the evening today about her plans of not working more in the internship"

"You mean? she has quit?"

"Yeah, I hope I have not spoiled your lazy weekend plan by some extra work" she replied disinterestedly.

"No you have not spoiled it, or may be just a little" I smiled back to her and kept the phone down,numbness took over me the very next moment, to my amaze I felt an unlogical tear pushing its way over my eyes for no reason known to me.

(to be continued)

Pulkit & Maithili

Will you still love me? Part 4

A story of Insecurity after betrayal, hope after reassurance and ... Love after tears

Continued from Here

 I was sitting alone in the cafeteria, having my lunch. The company gave us a voluntary break time and it worked in my favor. I would sneak in for lunch when the rest of them would get back into their cubicles. The cubicles made me feel secure. It was where I felt most comfortable these days. They were impressed with my work and thankfully did not make me go on field. Maybe they realised I excel at my work when I don't have to interact with people. What a contradiction to my previous life!
            

  I had just started on my coffee when I saw him enter the cafeteria and frolic with the girl at the counter. I silently prayed that he doesn't see me. That guy was persistent. I had rebuked him enough times and yet he didn't get tired of starting a conversation. I began to realise that he isn't that irritating when he isn't around girls who drool over him, like in that metro the other day. He looked so lost that I almost thought of talking to him. The way he was trying to wipe his shoes clean reminded me of the school assembly, when first grade boys did the same thing before the inspection! I couldn't believe I actually smiled looking at him. How long was it since I smiled anyway? He caught me smiling at him and gave me that idiotic grin. Ok, I didn't feel the same way about it then. It was something different as if we were sharing a private joke which only we understood. The walls built around me threatened to collapse and I immediately looked away. Gratefully the station arrived soon and its been awkward with him since then. 

         Oh no ! he was coming towards my table and without even asking he settled himself across me. He smiled and got busy with his burger. It was strange to see him so quiet. I looked at him closely for the first time. His dark eyebrows in a perfect arch above his dark brown eyes (I m not sure if he wears lens). His thick hair as usual flopping and covering his forehead which he tried to pull back again and again. His sharp nose and his perfect jawline. If one sees him in the way he was right in front me, one would think of him as a mature and reliable guy. One look at his slender fingers carefully picking out the vegetables in the burger and placing it at the side of his plate, you know what you are dealing with! He looked up at me and once again smiled (does he think the whole clan of girls would fall for his smile?? I admit he was cute though!)

         "Why do they call it chicken burger if half of it is stuffed with these ghaas phoos?" he said gesturing childishly at the dressings as if accusing them of coming on the burger and making it less delicious.  I do the most unexpected thing! I laugh out aloud at his action. 

         "OMG OMG!! You laugh as well!!" He got hyper with his reactions.

          I nod silently and listen to his blabbering. I notice that for the first time he was talking more about work than about me and him and unknowingly I join in the conversation. My phone beeped and I see that it is already 2! For last one hour I have been talking to him and my cheeks hurt due to all the smiling and laughing I had done. IT had to, considering the long period of rest it had got. He noticed my phone and remarked, "Hey I have the same model." 

          I just said, "Congrats" and even though I didn't think it was a great joke it set him rolling with laughter. 

          I finished my second cup of coffee and we returned to work. I noticed that for the first time he was wearing formals ( read proper formals with tie and all) to office.

I started my work and after sometime out of habit went into the gallery of my mobile. The image folder looked strange and the contents left me breathless. I get an anxiety attack of sorts (It hasn't happened for long) and I close my eyes and sit still till the turbulence has passed. I opened my eyes to see him smiling upon me 

         'Hey payal I think thats my cellphone you brought by mistake. Here is yours!"

        I got up in a fit of rage and thrust his phone into his hands and grabbed my own phone. 

        I picked up my bag and rushed out of the office. Tears poured out of  my eyes and I took in a quick smoke. My thoughts before hailing a cab were of resigning from this office..

       

       

Maithili & Pulkit

(to be continued next Wednesday)

Will You Still Love Me? - 2

A story of Insecurity after betrayal, hope after reassurance and ... Love after tears

Continued from HERE

HER - I paced back and forth at the bus stop, concious of the eyes savoring me, my body.. I tried not to look anywhere but the buses approaching. A few men spoke in low tones and grinned at each other. I steal a glance at them through the corner of my eyes. A fear too known, grips me. Do they recognise me? It is a warm evening. Even though I m dressed in a full sleeved salwar kameez, I shiver. I feel stark naked at this bus stop.

Someone tapped my shoulders lightly. I was startled and immediately the 'fright, fight, flight' mechanism of my nervous system is in place.

"Hey Payal, I think I scared you."

It was the same guy from office who introduced himself to me last week.
I realised I was sweating profusely and my face had gone pale, my lips colourless. I ran my tongue over my lips trying to usher in remnants of confidence.
"What do you think you are doing?" I shoot at him, immediately realising how viciously sharp my tone had become.
"Sorry Miss, but if you don't respond to your own name, please let us lowly mortals know what name you like to be addressed." he mocked me.
He was just the kind of people I was trying to avoid, who posed danger to me. People too much interested in my life and too reckless to know where to draw the line.
Payal... It would take time to get used to the name. I wondered if the name as purposely chosen to demean me.. To dethrone me from the place that I once occupied in everyone's eyes.
"What do you want?" I confront him to defend my own indifference to my new name.
"I do not need anything. Maybe you will need this tomorrow." he said flashing my ID card.. Oh crap! I had left it behind while signing out.

I muttered a "thank you" and quickly snatched my Id. I see the colour of his face change. I cringe when I see that my act hurt him and he walked away. In some other life I would have gone after him and apologized. Right now I regretted not carrying my pack of cigarettes in my handbag.

************

I reach the place where I have been staying with my uncle's family for more than 2 years now. This place could never be home for me even for a minute.

I get cold stares from my aunt to looks ready to spit venom. I recline in the small room that was once a store room.. It still is, in a way..

I hear aunty shout at uncle, "If anything goes wrong we would lose face. What were you thinking before taking her in? I tell you, this girl will ruin our name. I don't want her shadow on our daughter."

I m strangulated by the ghosts of my past, but not enough to kill me. I could try other ways to kill myself but I hold back knowing that the consequence would be worse..
I drift off to sleep once again hoping that I won't see tomorrow.

IT won't stop.. It is relentless, deligiently following me every night.. I m shaken again, my bed damp with my sweat. That hole left in my chest won't heal. The nightmares remind me every living hour of my past.. I look across the room.. A plate of dinner gone cold.. I eat few morsels.. Like a mother soothing a child and singing a soft lullaby to sleep, the pill that I swallow takes me to a dreamless world.

--Pulkit & Maithili--

(to be continued next Wednesday)

Ek Mayoos Guzarish!

Jab kal raat pyaas lagi toh yaad aaya ki hum kab se pyaase they
Raat ki un tanhaiyon mein har lamha jaagey they

Aur yaad aaya ki zindagani mein aapse kya kya mila…

Ek hansi se jeene ka sahara mila
Ek hansi se dubey ko kinara mila
Ek hansi se patjhad k mausam khile
Ek hansi se khushiyon k manzar mile

Jab kal raat aankh lagi toh paaya hum kitne akele hain
Raat ki khamoshi mein sapno ki bebasi se khele hain

Aur yaad aaya ki zindagani mein aapse kya kya mila….

Un ankhon ka nasha jisne paimaane chuda diye
Un ankhon ki jhalak jisne dhoke bhula diye
Un ankhon ki nazaakat jisne hayaa sikha di
Un ankhon ki gehrai jisne duniya bhula di

Yaadon k bhanwar mein is kadar kho gaye
Waqt ka ehsaas hi na hua aur hum puri raat ro gaye

Aaj ek haare huye dil ki koi fariyaad sun le
Aaj ek tanha akele ki koi awaaz sun le
Aaj ek humdard ki talash koi puri kar jaaye
Aaj ek sahare ki kami koi puri kar jaaye

Aaj do pal meethey koi khairaat mein hi de de
Aaj ek lamha pyaar ka koi majaak mein hi de de
Koi tumhari jagah na le paye sahi
Bas do pal k jazbaat hi de de

Jab kal raat aansu bahey toh paaya ki is kadar dard mein toh hum jee na payengey
Zakhm itne genre hain ki agar marham na mile toh hum inhe see na payengey!

(PS - This is a dramatic comeback to TWL. For two reasons, One After personalizing my blog space and removing its viewership rights, This is the first time I have blogged. Secondly, I was never sure if I had a courage to make such a confession prone and close to heart post on the lounge after such a long time. Its almost a diary entry, so far from fiction and so close to everything in my life right now)

(PPS - This is dedicated to people who fail to realize the importance of attention that people in pain seek. May god give you the vision to see beyond interests, beyond needs, beyond motives and beyond circles to identify those around you, who are in need)

PICTURE SOURCE

SADNESS

Still miss you every passing night

And think of how we couldn't make it right

Denial of your pain only makes it worse to bear

No I am not calling you but still wish you would hear

Every expression that comes out in every falling tear

Sorry for not holding you tight when you wished to be near

Sometimes I just wish you would have made it a little more clear

******************

- PULKIT

(image source)

More than You will Ever Know

Credit: Flickr

I watch upon my creek of hollow mirth,

Melancholy looms and swallows day.
Silence seeps into my soul and resonates.
Bestial hands leap from the bushes—
Less a pain than your cold passing;

Yonder holds much more an ache,
Folded deep within your hands—
Truly, I love you. Did you hear me?

***

Posted: here

THE RIVER SIDE..!!!

Hello Lounge, I see many new members in WL...so here i am an Old member of WL...Then Yamini Meduri, now Ms.Meduri..!!!

I was busy with my daily routine and somehow couldnot make it here...but today, i have come here to just check out whats happening here at the lounge from my Land of Dreams and seeing the new pens, I felt to write one too..!!

Welcome to the new pens and a warm hello to the old pens...!!!
*********************************************************************************

The River Side...!!!

waiting for you at the river side
As the birds fly high
I wish to be in your arms tight

Waiting for you at the river side
As the sun sets
I wish to be the li'l chill around you

Waiting for the you at the river side
As the moon goes up
I twinkle bright to find you soon

As the moon sets down
As the sun rises again
As the birds tweet around
I still find myself
Waiting for you at the river side



from the Land of Dreams...!!!

..I am no more myself again..

..I am no more myself again..

you came scribbling your unsaid words
blooming every corner of my heart
left me within, your blissful paradise
hooked me into your tingling ripple
over-ruling my mind,body and soul
mesmerizing my thoughts,dazzling my eyes

..I am no more myself again..

past is forgotten,future worries no more
Strings of worldly ties lie broken apart
like a shadow of hope you walk beside me
breathing your fragrance,cuddling your soul
mirror reflect no more,fear scares no more
just remains your love your warmth your care

..I am no more myself again..

day begins,night ends,moon peeps,stars shine
everything fades behind your charming glory
snuggling within you my pain surrenders
seeping within my soul you steal me forever
with your endless love within, my heart just wishes
to sleep forever in cradle of your arms

..I am no more myself again..

She was just about to leave...Its been an hour since their argument took off. It went from worst to worst and after a spoiled date, she was leaving with wet eyes.
"Let me know... when you want to meet next, that is...if you do want that... Huh! , I hate the way, you take me for granted", she said. Her voice was choacked and stammering.
"I want to say...one last thing..." He replied...
NOW WHAT?
He came close. Held her cheek in an authoratative manner, as if she belonged to him... she stood still. He went closer...and closer...and closer ... and his lips answered the numerous questions that laid in afront of their struggling love life...
"I still feel the same for you..." He whispered. and left the room.
five minutes later... when he came back, she was still standing there...
" I have changed my mind, I will stay at your place for the evening, tonight and we wont make love...Huh! I hate you...", she smiled... A tear rolled down her eyes... she kicked him. she was so damn cute!
"all appointments cancelled",he sms'ed his office... threw his cell on the sofa...
went towards her again. she pushed him back. they wrestled, and then hugged...he lifted her...and they went in.

- POETIC CRIES OF INTERPERSONAL EXPRESSIONS
( Pulkit)

Sleepless Scribble (Contd.)

4:45 AM

=~=
Alone again, I crept in. It is dark tonight. It was darker when I entered the lounge. I knew there would be no one here. So, I was not very careful while breaking the silence. I opened the door which made a painful screeching sound, and walked in. The door closed behind, leaving the lounge in dark – the way it used to be – the way I like it – the way, we liked it! The lounge is the place I dwell in and the best place I hangout with my friends and her. Tonight, there is no one here. Neither my friends and nor her. Still I walked in. The air was free, silent, dark and homogeneous. I breathed in – felt fresh! My footsteps created a few puffs of dust as I walked towards the corner – my favorite corner in the lounge, where we used to sit together and talk – talk all night! The floor was dusty – I was sad to see that. The abandonment and vivid desertion of the place accumulated lot of dust. I wish she would be here – now.

I breathed in – felt fresh! It was her fragrance – again! “Am I dreaming?” I asked myself. How on earth would I feel her here – tonight, when she is far away from the lounge? I could feel her as if she held my hands and looked deep inside me – Dilse! I could feel her hair flying in the absent breeze. I could feel her missing touch all over me. It was a pleasure, yet shivering! I looked around again. I could see nothing in the dark, apart from the rays of light coming out from the distant lamppost, coming through the ventilators and cracks on the windows, and falling on the various parts of the lounge. I could smell her as though she was here with me – holding me, like older times. I extended my hand and tried to call, against all odds, “Sho…” A cold hand came from behind me and covered my lips. I quivered! I moved around in a flash – there was no one again! I looked around – the darkness laughed at me. I rested my palm on the table, near my corner – our corner. Gusts of dust blew and the door made another scorching sound and opened a little. I could see the first rays of sunlight coming in – it was almost dawn and I could hear the birds chirping outside, yet far-flung. It was time for me to leave. I could not sit today – I could not sing today – I could not meet her, for whom I come to the lounge. She was away – among those chirping avis. May be that’s where she belonged and that’s why she’s away tonight. I walked out, as slowly as I always did. I did not disturb the darkness much and neither the silence in the lounge. The dust I puffed up in the air would settle down soon, I know. And she will always be here with me, when I come back – to hold my tongue and stop me from nuisance.

The morning rays cleansed my face, as I walked back home – alone again!

---

My Sleepless Scribbles: One, Two

..love..

Titanic of my heart,
Sank in the ocean of your eyes
Stumps of my life,
Flung on the pitch of your hands
Tune of my notes,
danced on the voilen of your lips
War of my emotions,
started on the blast of glance
Movie of my story,
released in the theater of your arms
Castle of my dreams ,
shattered with the blow of your tears
Alas!Fire of my love,
burnt the soul of your heart

Describing love

For a potential love mate :)

Aur ise kahte he dil ko samjhna
Bina ek lafz kahe dil kp padhna
dil ki gahraiyo me chupe bhavnao ko samjhna
man ke atah samandar me

hilore leti kalpanayo ko aakar dena
ise kahte he pyar,
ek sundar si abhivyakti,
ek sukhad anubhuti,

ek kashish,
ek kavi ki sundar kavita,
ek bhagwan ka diya hua aashirwaad
aur aakash se barsa hua ek anmol ahsas
jo man ko jhankrat kar deta he.......

Asman me udte parindo
ko peeche chodne ki chah
Jal me tairati(swimming) machli
ki tarah aazad hone ka ahsas
Yeh pyar he, yeh pyar he

Love for you :)

The tunes of love..

To the love of my life...

A n a N y A




A guitar in one hand ,a book in other..
A joke on my lips as i move furthur..

Am i your prince charming..?
Am i your man..?
Don't say 'No'..
Becauce i know i am..

I want you to be close,
I want you to be near..
Just hold me tight,
and there'll be no fear..

If you feel alone,
Listen to me,just hold my hand..
Your loneliness will go away..
It'll start slipping like sand..

Whenever you miss me,
See me as you close you eyes..
You'll feel me all around,
As you look at the skies..

I know you love music,
You love the beat..
I'll tell it in your way,
I promise i'll not cheat..

"When you love a song,
You just go into the flow..
You ignore the darkness,
You just look at the glow.."

We may have a dark day,
We may have a dark time..
Groove in to the music of love,
It'll sound like a elegant wind chime..

For i love you the most,
You still make my heart skip a beat..
The tunes of love will flow through my heart,
Always making a new lovely musical feat..

Will love you always sweetheart...!!

I love you..!!

Companon for me is you..

Crushed hopes, dark world, lost ways and killed aspirations

Once, there was a world of such devastations.

Mourning continued, sobbing followed, night kept creeping in

Plight like this, and a girl fastened there in.

And all the miracles of which mortals are aware; seemed false

Nothing worked, all went in despair.

Indeed the only thing she needed was a little love, a little care

Or may be a little stretched hand to support; but

None came, none bothered and she was left alone.

For a while, suddenly the prayers seemed to come true

On a far land, came an angel, as human he grew

Ripping the darkness, steeped in her little world, wiped her tears off

Making an unsaid promise, held her hand and walked short

Entwined fingers, shivering body and a new ray of hope

Inside she was afraid, but knew now she ll cope

She knew, the angel came for her, came to love and trust her

Yes, she knew he came to be a companion of her

Oh, how happy she was, to be loved, to be cared, to be trusted all again

Unending tears followed, but this time, not in vain.

P.S. It's the nearest poem to my heart...something which came so deep from my heart that i almost forgot that it was just a mix of words...:)
P.P.S. It's a repost....from my brand new blog ❤❤~~Mirage~~❤❤ exclusively on poetry and all kinda fiction :)
P.P.P.S. Like always i am again going to say sorry....as soon as may exams ended...office started..:( :( and so i cudn get time to chck WL..:( :( m so sorry..:( :( i ll start commenting and posting again...hopefully mod ll forgv me for that :P

The re-united love

The gate was open wide,

There she was like an angel,

Amidst the mist,

Clad in his favourite attire,

With a bunch of red roses in her hand.....

He walked slowly towards her,

He couldn't believe the reality,

His heart was filled to the brim with joy,

He neared her,

She was the first to talk,

"Remember?? I told u,

I would wait forever,

And that even death couldn't seperate us!!!"

He hugged her.....

Being in heaven is indeed a pleasure.....

Rajkumar -->> It's raining outside

Words from a tormented soul!!!!!!

My heart shattered into pieces wen u left......

But each broken piece gives me ur memories.....

A waiter's wait earns him success......

Will my wait earn ur love back???

Liberate me

Following the theme of the day : Teary Wednesdays, here is a post from my end. I am fine and fit. Happy and singing. Just enjoy the post without any conclusions about me.

I have never been so fragile in my recent living memory. So much so that even a whisker of odd thing makes me go stutter in fear of something happening bad or even make me get some fantastic fears which hold no meaning. My inner self is laden with metronomic insecurities that intervene in almost every thinking process I do or every small act that I do in daily live.

I have been a gladiator in true sense and never being one to back off when dragged down to a battle field, but somehow this time it feels that my fighting powers are on wane. It seems that I have given up to the fucking rants of an increasingly fragile mind and the ridiculous set of people around me in the workplace and daily lives away from my near dear ones (Read Parents and siblings).

I need to get myself free from this. I ought to fight this out and overcome the current mess thanks to my wonderful Teddy bear who walked out of my life leaving a huge void, almost irreplaceable, to the best of my ability.

I lost in the love field. I lost to my own panache to carve out a wonderful world for me and her where nothing else would matter, but love for each other and all that crap things to pamper and shag ourselves, those crazy things to do to keep the painful passion alive. In the yearning of a perfect world around me, I was left with a rubble and ashes of my love gone wrong. I lost to my own craziness to keep in touch with her, thus invading her “private space” which I felt had overlapped with me and then there would be nothing called as individual space in our relationship once I and she were interwined with each other.

I was left with infinite wounds to heal upon which were inflicted to my soul. My existence was questioned with all the rubbish stuff as it could get. That’s killing stuff. The existence of a person is questioned ? Why ? who gave you that right to question me ? If I am good enough to be here on this planet or not ? Who has given you that feeling to judge me ? When you could not even walk a mile with me when things got tough with me, when the real test of the relationship began, you walked away and came back to me with all set of rubbish questions? You belied all your commitments which you made during walking down the lanes with me on those dusky evenings. You turned turtle to all your false promises of being there for me forever. And you fizzed out when I had some tough times. When I needed you the most to hug you tight to let me feel safe and cared of, you walked off.

I yearned for you. I couldn’t have shed tears because I didn’t want to sound weak and fragile to my folks, but I craved for you. I wrote those long mails urging you to come back, long phone calls to convince you about my worthiness in the relationship we had. Wasn’t it wonderful ? You didn’t think so, so you walked off without even looking back. You knew that I would always be with you no matter the world would walk away from you or even your so called potragonists or your so called faithful mates. You knew you d always find me like a tall protected cover for you in every damn problems and damn situations no matter where, no matter how or when.

I am not blaming you or wont ever do that. For me my love was divine and pure. No selfish interests in that. I never doubted you, I always wanted that we should always love each other to the best of capability alongside talking continously to ease out the frictions and differences. But that never happened. My yearn for love went against me and here I am : broken heart, broken pledges and hurt selves, bruised egos and hearts full of tears and infinite pains. Intoxicated souls and a mind full of insecurities and doubts over the big question : will I ever be able to love any one else even with 1% of the ability as I did to you ? Would that magic be recreated ?

Tough to say, but I have loved you with the soul, not by heart or eyes or intellect or physically as it is this days. And when soul gets bruised and hurt then nothing remains the same and its almost impossible to recreate the magic with any one else. I stand here alone and lonely, though I know this wait for you to come back to me is as futile as expecting a snowfall in Mumbai.

So my dear love, liberate me from your memories which are too good to leave me for good and are so delicate that I don’t wish to hurt them by saying nasty things about you. I am not that. I am not heartless. I have a heart and a bruised one at that.

Liberate me from your nerve wrecking sentiments and the infinite pamperings I did to you. Free my soul. Free me, let me become as care free and as free flowing individualistic as I was before meeting you.

Free me…………

Paradox

Anniversary time. 3rd one to be precise. Memories galore. Glum faces. Memories of ultimate knot tie up. Dreams gone sour. Love lost. Wrecked heart. Ironies in miniscule actions of the day. That was a day of being in the limelight, today is the day being in solitude and reclusion, isolation and loneliness. Emptiness in the heart, anguish and anger on what went wrong. When dreams break, they hurt. And when your soul mate goes away, it kills your soul. Unfortunately there is no therapy or exchange offer for soul.

Silhouettes of days gone by, shadows of walking the road together, vows taken together, promises made to be with each other and then finding that all of them make no sense at all. You just live with the memories of the touch, the gentle kiss, that makes your day when things were good. Memories of everything, the proceedings, the vows and the rituals. The celebrations, the leg pulling and of course the moments of togetherness which are stolen with precision and come in rarity.

Songs wrecking the feeble heart, you live the date and the day with virtually going back to the clock 3 years back. Play the movie that defined your relationship, those movies and songs watched together in a cold evening clad in quilt in bed or cuddling corner seats of multiplex. The drives, the leaning of shoulder on the bike, the morning, evening, night calls, the enquiries if you had breakfast, lunch and dinner when away on work. Throwing back to each other’s arms when seeing each other after hours, dining together, making a tea together and then cleaning together.

Making sacrifices out of choices just to see the tiny little pony tailed girl happy. Calling her Teddy though she is full grown up 25 year old girl. Shunning chicken pizzas for Spicy Indian veg pizzas as token of love.

Watching those movies once you dismiss as rubbish and then going through again and again cos they reflect your story of life. Something which you have gone through. Songs, memoirs, places, movies, cards, restaurants, buses, bikes, apartments, dresses, she, me, quilt, TV, soul, heart, existence, life, dreams, heart, pain, silhouettes, vows, woes, separation, rituals, celebrations, allegations, hate, alvida, definitely, obviously, jaan, J, Teddy.

Life couldn’t have more paradox than this. Talking this on a day of anniversary. Anniversary of something very surreal and beautiful like the dew drops and tiny drop of water on the glowing face. Life for you!!!

The best day.......

A pleasant summer morning.....
A peacefull park.....
Grassy plains.....
My most loved gal by my side.....
She lying on my shoulders.....
Me caressing her hair praising her beauty......
She tells me "This is the most happiest day of my life".....
Am speechless admiring her beauty.......

That was the best day of my life...

- A widower....,

Is this love???

Me:

Am sleepy but not able to sleep.....

Am hungry but not able to eat.....
Am hyperexcited wen u r with me......
Am depressed wen i miss u......
I always have a feeling tat u r near me.....
I blush wen i hear ur name.....
Is this love???

Voice in Background : Consult a good Psychiatrist.....

My second attempt at 55 fiction......