Special day

Might sound shameless but its my bday on 23rd july..you can send in your wishes on http://lifebeyondobvious.blogspot.com/

Describing love

For a potential love mate :)

Aur ise kahte he dil ko samjhna
Bina ek lafz kahe dil kp padhna
dil ki gahraiyo me chupe bhavnao ko samjhna
man ke atah samandar me

hilore leti kalpanayo ko aakar dena
ise kahte he pyar,
ek sundar si abhivyakti,
ek sukhad anubhuti,

ek kashish,
ek kavi ki sundar kavita,
ek bhagwan ka diya hua aashirwaad
aur aakash se barsa hua ek anmol ahsas
jo man ko jhankrat kar deta he.......

Asman me udte parindo
ko peeche chodne ki chah
Jal me tairati(swimming) machli
ki tarah aazad hone ka ahsas
Yeh pyar he, yeh pyar he

Love for you :)

Finding HER in you

The touch makes u feel so special. Her touch be it in the bed or be it in the movie theater, be it intentional or be it accidental. The 10000000 million current flows through your body and you feel numb. I have hold on to those memories. The touch lives on with you. You remember her fragrance, her body smell and the color, deep one of her eyes. Gazing never ends and the beauty in eyes never stops. You just get going n going to the depth of the eyes when you stare (see) her.

When she gets ready for a special occasion, the time she spends on it is very special again. Beyond words, beyond comprehension. I am not much aware of the beauty products for girls, so I won’t be able to tell much about the same, but when she puts on that kohl in the eyes and the mascara that’s pure magic and its killing. It has a killing effect….No sooner you see it, you go down on your knees and jump to kiss her.

When you get down going to movies – her or your choice, the hands automatically grip each other, intertwine in each other. Throughout the movie when she leans on your shoulder or holds on to you when she is scared or cries seeing senti movies, you put up a smug face and automatically move inch closer to her. In the interval, not to mention that you walk up to the food counter and get what she wants default. You know her in and out. You tell her this is the dress you would like her to be in and the color of the jeans or the apparel. She obliges. You feel a high.

When you are in sync with the other soul many such things make you feel loved n u get the urge to love. That’s what makes the feeling of the love being so special and so overhyped. This is a season of being in love as opposed to 2007 when everyone seemed to be nursing a bruised and broken heart. This year is good one for being in love. Go fall in luv and redeem yourself...

Is it what we call luv ?

When i talk with her, I feel connected with her. I feel this is from ages. Though its just 2 months i have been talking to her through gtalk. My gloomy feelings go away when i speak to her. My day lits up when i think about her. i go through her comments on my blog day in and day out. And then I read through her chats, re-read then and again read. I feel something exists. Something somewhere.

I feel to question why are we not together? When we can be so natural while talking to each other on chat, imaging we would set fireballs rolling when we would be together. We would be so happy together. i feel to ask her why is she living in denial. She likes talkign to me. I like talking to her. I wait for her to come online, she must be doing same. She initiates talking, I love it. I love the fact that she likes Devil's Own and I like Iceberg. Whatta cool combo that would be when I would sip Devil's Own and she sips Iceberg together.

This is something more than a crush. Something more. Something very beautiful, something very surreal and divine. Pure. Noble. It has to be. My mind went for a toss in long long time. I want to let myself fall for her. No stopping this time. I want to give this a chance. And if it doesnt work out, then i wont have any regrets. I want to see me and she together at least once. I am sure the chemistry would be rocking.

Is that we called start of falling in a feeling called LUV ?

Acrostic : Shit happens

still getting close babeh
holding onto each other
I love you :)
That is eternal and messemerizing

Holding each other
All to do for this Valentine day
Painting each other with color of love
Pampering with singing fairytale of joys
Eternal starry nights
Never ending luv
Silhouttes of you in my embattled life.

Couldnt stop lovin her.

It was first time in my life. Something I had for somebody had been reciprocated. I didnt feel it for sake of it. I could see it in her eyes. Her expressions and her stuff. For a guy like me who likes to go through every detail possible and draft the conclusions, those moments were magical. They lasted for close to a year and since then I tried hard many times to make them occur again, but magic comes in for just once. Going through those mails we exchanged from our company mailboxes when we gave 3 or 4 hootss to the filters n wrote openly mushy words :). Just took me to those good ol' days. The body feels different when you feel for somebody. The mind and the heart are on a different plane altogether. Her smell, her dresses were itched in my memory.

I had known all her dresses and her wardrobe. I loved when she wore sleeveless and jeans. Magical. I was always in jeans and shits/t-shirts. Wipro always had casual dressing culture unlike Infy. Her perfumes and her bags were well known. I had always gifted some small lovely gifts to her. Very smalll to big as good as a frame havin our snaps. Snaps taken out of Nokia 6600 with both of us holed together and me taking the snap. I signed in the frame with my of course over the top mushy stuff. Great thing was she reciprocated. She reciprocated with her expressions, her cuddling to me on the bike. The default action when to get on bike, her hand used to come on my leg when in salwar and then across my shoulders when in jeans. Sounds stupid. True it was. Those phone calls going late in the night. Me sitting on cold floor in winter nights speaking to her and pampering, waiting for her calls in the morning, lunch and then in the evening.

Definetely, obviously never sounded as sweet as she said it with her voice cracking in middle. If she was with me and her voice cracked I just kissed her. I just couldnt hold myself then. It was virtually impossible for me. The wait for mails and then getting impatient on not getting one within long time was mercurial. Songs of days still sound surreal. Esp from Jism and Salam Namaste. PDA was there. Hands went automatically together. Body chemistry becomes different than normal times. I dont know how, but adrenaline flows a bit stronger. And its not just about sex. More about connecting, more about talking. More about spending time with each other. Happy times. The rush to see each other. I didnt mind going extra yard to drop her office and then pick her up. Amazing ffeeling that. 20-30 kms in a day on bike on the highway. Who bothers if there is a beauty at the back. The one who you term your life.

Back!

Its been a prolonged absence from this wonderful forum. Owe that to my injury streak and some off the cuff events in professional sphere. A lot to catch up here. Sure, I would do it and I look forward to contribute here as well.

Liberate me

Following the theme of the day : Teary Wednesdays, here is a post from my end. I am fine and fit. Happy and singing. Just enjoy the post without any conclusions about me.

I have never been so fragile in my recent living memory. So much so that even a whisker of odd thing makes me go stutter in fear of something happening bad or even make me get some fantastic fears which hold no meaning. My inner self is laden with metronomic insecurities that intervene in almost every thinking process I do or every small act that I do in daily live.

I have been a gladiator in true sense and never being one to back off when dragged down to a battle field, but somehow this time it feels that my fighting powers are on wane. It seems that I have given up to the fucking rants of an increasingly fragile mind and the ridiculous set of people around me in the workplace and daily lives away from my near dear ones (Read Parents and siblings).

I need to get myself free from this. I ought to fight this out and overcome the current mess thanks to my wonderful Teddy bear who walked out of my life leaving a huge void, almost irreplaceable, to the best of my ability.

I lost in the love field. I lost to my own panache to carve out a wonderful world for me and her where nothing else would matter, but love for each other and all that crap things to pamper and shag ourselves, those crazy things to do to keep the painful passion alive. In the yearning of a perfect world around me, I was left with a rubble and ashes of my love gone wrong. I lost to my own craziness to keep in touch with her, thus invading her “private space” which I felt had overlapped with me and then there would be nothing called as individual space in our relationship once I and she were interwined with each other.

I was left with infinite wounds to heal upon which were inflicted to my soul. My existence was questioned with all the rubbish stuff as it could get. That’s killing stuff. The existence of a person is questioned ? Why ? who gave you that right to question me ? If I am good enough to be here on this planet or not ? Who has given you that feeling to judge me ? When you could not even walk a mile with me when things got tough with me, when the real test of the relationship began, you walked away and came back to me with all set of rubbish questions? You belied all your commitments which you made during walking down the lanes with me on those dusky evenings. You turned turtle to all your false promises of being there for me forever. And you fizzed out when I had some tough times. When I needed you the most to hug you tight to let me feel safe and cared of, you walked off.

I yearned for you. I couldn’t have shed tears because I didn’t want to sound weak and fragile to my folks, but I craved for you. I wrote those long mails urging you to come back, long phone calls to convince you about my worthiness in the relationship we had. Wasn’t it wonderful ? You didn’t think so, so you walked off without even looking back. You knew that I would always be with you no matter the world would walk away from you or even your so called potragonists or your so called faithful mates. You knew you d always find me like a tall protected cover for you in every damn problems and damn situations no matter where, no matter how or when.

I am not blaming you or wont ever do that. For me my love was divine and pure. No selfish interests in that. I never doubted you, I always wanted that we should always love each other to the best of capability alongside talking continously to ease out the frictions and differences. But that never happened. My yearn for love went against me and here I am : broken heart, broken pledges and hurt selves, bruised egos and hearts full of tears and infinite pains. Intoxicated souls and a mind full of insecurities and doubts over the big question : will I ever be able to love any one else even with 1% of the ability as I did to you ? Would that magic be recreated ?

Tough to say, but I have loved you with the soul, not by heart or eyes or intellect or physically as it is this days. And when soul gets bruised and hurt then nothing remains the same and its almost impossible to recreate the magic with any one else. I stand here alone and lonely, though I know this wait for you to come back to me is as futile as expecting a snowfall in Mumbai.

So my dear love, liberate me from your memories which are too good to leave me for good and are so delicate that I don’t wish to hurt them by saying nasty things about you. I am not that. I am not heartless. I have a heart and a bruised one at that.

Liberate me from your nerve wrecking sentiments and the infinite pamperings I did to you. Free my soul. Free me, let me become as care free and as free flowing individualistic as I was before meeting you.

Free me…………

Paradox

Anniversary time. 3rd one to be precise. Memories galore. Glum faces. Memories of ultimate knot tie up. Dreams gone sour. Love lost. Wrecked heart. Ironies in miniscule actions of the day. That was a day of being in the limelight, today is the day being in solitude and reclusion, isolation and loneliness. Emptiness in the heart, anguish and anger on what went wrong. When dreams break, they hurt. And when your soul mate goes away, it kills your soul. Unfortunately there is no therapy or exchange offer for soul.

Silhouettes of days gone by, shadows of walking the road together, vows taken together, promises made to be with each other and then finding that all of them make no sense at all. You just live with the memories of the touch, the gentle kiss, that makes your day when things were good. Memories of everything, the proceedings, the vows and the rituals. The celebrations, the leg pulling and of course the moments of togetherness which are stolen with precision and come in rarity.

Songs wrecking the feeble heart, you live the date and the day with virtually going back to the clock 3 years back. Play the movie that defined your relationship, those movies and songs watched together in a cold evening clad in quilt in bed or cuddling corner seats of multiplex. The drives, the leaning of shoulder on the bike, the morning, evening, night calls, the enquiries if you had breakfast, lunch and dinner when away on work. Throwing back to each other’s arms when seeing each other after hours, dining together, making a tea together and then cleaning together.

Making sacrifices out of choices just to see the tiny little pony tailed girl happy. Calling her Teddy though she is full grown up 25 year old girl. Shunning chicken pizzas for Spicy Indian veg pizzas as token of love.

Watching those movies once you dismiss as rubbish and then going through again and again cos they reflect your story of life. Something which you have gone through. Songs, memoirs, places, movies, cards, restaurants, buses, bikes, apartments, dresses, she, me, quilt, TV, soul, heart, existence, life, dreams, heart, pain, silhouettes, vows, woes, separation, rituals, celebrations, allegations, hate, alvida, definitely, obviously, jaan, J, Teddy.

Life couldn’t have more paradox than this. Talking this on a day of anniversary. Anniversary of something very surreal and beautiful like the dew drops and tiny drop of water on the glowing face. Life for you!!!

Introducing Myself : Sam

I had been reading this huge wonderful blog since so many days but then I had no clue on how to join and post my stuff here. It was only when Kajal dropped in by my blog (or reverse order i should say), I got a whiff on how I could join here. And 12 days back, I was here. One of the members of this strong wonderful Lounge'd family.

My blogger name is same as my nick name Sam and in real name is Sameer. Sam suits me everywhere, so I kept it a bit short. I am a software engineer by profession and work in Infosys.

Cricket, writing and reading novels are my passions and passtimes. 2 years into blogging and since I have had countless blogs. In fact today itself i began one more blog encashing in the ongoing 55 Fiction revolution. When I get bored of a blog, I close it and start a new one. And then close it.

Basically i m net freak and when I m not in office, i m online on the net. Even in the night, early mornings and late nights. I am never offline. Being connected is buzzword for me. Right now I am obsessed with Twilight -- book and the movie.

In my stay here, i wish it would be longer one, i hope to meet some real wonderful bloggers out here irrespective of places, geography etc and connect to form a wonderful bond.

I blog @

Razmataazz Lounge

Arm Ball -- Its a cricket blog. Might not interest everybody.

55 Fiction -- Started today. Just one post old.

Thats pretty much about me then. Do drop bi my 1st and 3rd blog and let me know if it is as kewl as i believe it is.

Cheers,

Sam

55 Fiction : Dance in the ball

He was watching her from the sidelines in the ball room. She was dancing with Phil, her school mate. A cringe ran through Matt's body. He twisted. Bella could sense her man's discomfort. She was meeting Phil, her past, after years together. When song stopped playing, Matt went near Phil and Bella. Phil gasped for breath and removed his hand off Bella's waist. "Hey Phil, thanks mate. I will take it from here". He filled Bella in his arms before next song on prom began to play

Marriage Wows

Anky and Pan were quite excited about their impending marriage. And when the marriage day came they couldnt help kissing each other and hugging tight after following marriage wows were exchanged:

"Anky and Pan, you have come together for many reasons. You have decided that being together will enrich your lives. You have decided that whatever challenges may lie ahead for you, they can be met more easily with your shared love for each other. You know that your joy will be enhanced because of your commitment to each other.

You are now taking into your care and keeping, the welfare and happiness of the one person, in all the world, whom you love best. You are agreeing to be a light and strength to each other. You are entering into an act of pure faith in which you give yourself to the utmost.

Marriage is more than just an acknowledgement of existing love or an expression of hope that love will last. In marriage, people exercise their uniquely human power to shape their world according to their will. Two people may come together and come to love each other by chance. But when they marry, every day thereafter they make and act on the choice to stay together and continue to love one another. "

Caged Words...

Here are the few excerpts when I longed for freedom. Here are the few words when I was clutched in the silhouettes of self pity and depression all around. The age when I begged Lord Almighty of some good moments which were so rare those days.

“What does freedom mean to you ? Riddance of the negative aspects of your life? End of the times which eat you ? End of the tendencies which threaten your existence and yet you can’t find power to cut free ? What is freedom? Is it just walking free ? Or is it also having something more to it? What is that constitutes freedom? For me its riddance of those tendencies which threatened my existence, which made me felt irrelevant in the entire setup, the intense eyes which mocked me and said dude you aint needed anymore here. But you still couldn’t have done anything to change the situation, cos you were stuck in it. You wished a lot of things, but couldn’t fulfill them cos you were not supposed to. You were afraid of the consequences, you had all the negative thoughts in your mind and you feared stepping out of the jail would mean your life would be screwed . that to me is like ending up your life. Confining yourself to the limits of irrelevant existence is sinful.

Giving up to the tendencies which bereft you of your own life is sinful. I did that sin for last 4 and half months. I allowed myself to be prisoned to such tendencies and as a result today I find myself in soup. I walk out today out of the jail I have been saying all this days. “

And then this when I stayed in the office for days together without even going home:

“Sitting right out here in the office with just 3 hours sleep in last 48 hours, I am wondering how come I got this much of stamina and endurance to stand all the s hit of the world. I just wish that this phase of life ends soon. If not soon, then right now. I have been taking all in my system. And this is at a stage where I don’t react to anything. Just plain execution of whatever I am asked to do or want to do. I can’t believe this form of myself. It’s been 2 weeks now that I last rode my bike. A month now that I went to a movie and it’s been 3 weeks that I stepped out of the University circle area in Pune. All roads lead to the office and it’s like spending a lifetime here. I don’t like to crib. I don’t know whats going on in the life. Things have been so crazy that if I discuss a point with my mgr or anybody else and I differ on that point, then I m being taken as aggressive, unprofessional and negative influence in the team. How ridiculous is that? This is just not ending. Good things end soon and bad things linger on forever.

I have been going for sleep right now in the office. Its 430 AM in the office. "

And then I slept for few hours and couldn’t continue. When I woke up, I lost the train of the thoughts.

I even compared my situation then to being prisoned for life or stuck up in a bad marriage:

“It’s like an ordeal. It’s like being jailed for life. It’s worse than a lifetime of bad marriage. Bad marriage still has an end to it. But this thing doesn’t seem to have an end. It’s like being stuck in a dark deep hole with all exits sealed forever. It’s like being midst of a terror attack where the artillery and the ammunition of the terrorists is never ending and you have to run for cover. But you are like the captain of the ship who cannot go for a hiding, someone like who has to bite the bullets, eat them, yet put up a brave face, take the humiliation in the stride, pose a geeeeeeeeeee in front of everybody. You gotta take the bullet wounds, be bruised and hurt. Deep down the soul is hurt, the feeling is just beyond words. It’s like being in a pit with full of hit. There seems no end of the road for this tunnel. There seems no end for this. I have no more analogies to depict this. And the person in the above situation stuck is me. And even more striking is the similarity with the dates ditto last year. Same to same. I wonder how precisely the history repeats itself. And to this precision for me has left me shocked. And when I am shocked, I go numb and freeze. A chilling feeling grips me and I go cold in temperature. Eyes remain wide open and it’s like somebody says me statue. Numb unmoved with iota and tones of pain. “

And then one day when my feelings choked and I halted in the life for few seconds growing spicy red with the infinitum amount of self inflicted and others’ imposed pain:

“Flustered, a storm within. Unable to get that out of my system. Choked. Flurry of feelings and thoughts in my mind right now. What the heck. Why me ? I live a pretty okish life. Centric around me and my people. Yet weirdo things happen. And I take them quietly. Silently. I wanna take it out. Don’t be judgmental when you read this. I have a right to get the weird feelings out of my system. I say NO to blog woes. I say NO to relationship woes. I will have them in my way. My way isn’t a tardier one. It’s what has evolved over the years despite the blips and misses.

I say NO to whatever doesn’t suit me. I dismiss the predictions about me. I dismiss the stereotypes formed about me. I dismiss ill notions formed about me. I have penchant for good life. And at any cost I shall get it. If I have to believe him, my life is worthless and maybe I should stop living it. Nobody managed to give that impression to me in my life thus far, what he gave me in a half hour. So what do I do ? End my life or what ? Get off. I won’t. I would live it even more harder and the way I want. I would prove him wrong. C’mon man. C’mon hit me. I would show you what I am. All aspects of your life are screwed up man. Oh really. Oh man, you sound such a loser. Big loser. Sitting in an cramped space with all the dirt of the world around you, you seem to be a frustrated man. Have to take it out. So I did. I can’t stop people who read this being judgmental about me, but then I would like to say don’t be. That’s my space and I gotta right to be happy or moody or whatever damn I feel I am to be.”

This words scare me out when they remain within me. I had to take them out and when they would be out on the WL, the place where the members express themselves with no inhibition, I would feel liberated in true sense of literature meaning or even more than that. Imagine a bird who flies out of the cage after being ages into it. Stumbling but yet flying high. More than the ability to fly, the wanting to fly, the wish to fly. Right now I feel like the same bird. I am not a pessimist nor a sadist. Just highlighting my thoughts with myself during those dark days.

Final Moments Together

I stare to the sky gazing at the stars
They look shining brighter than ever before,
Is it that the sky is so clear,
or could it be cos the love is near
on a perfect winter chilly night.

As she and me sit in the snow like sand
And the waves crash the shore
We laugh, we kiss and we talk
With hands in hand together,
drawing pictures on sand

As the night is almost finished,
As along the ocean we walk
As the moon is fading fast
Another day together passes by,
And the time together ends by

Everything around us seems to melt away
faster than the sand in the hand
as night dissolves to the day,
she can see the twinkle in my eyes
As we walk hand in hand,
for one last time, for one last day