Liberate me

Following the theme of the day : Teary Wednesdays, here is a post from my end. I am fine and fit. Happy and singing. Just enjoy the post without any conclusions about me.

I have never been so fragile in my recent living memory. So much so that even a whisker of odd thing makes me go stutter in fear of something happening bad or even make me get some fantastic fears which hold no meaning. My inner self is laden with metronomic insecurities that intervene in almost every thinking process I do or every small act that I do in daily live.

I have been a gladiator in true sense and never being one to back off when dragged down to a battle field, but somehow this time it feels that my fighting powers are on wane. It seems that I have given up to the fucking rants of an increasingly fragile mind and the ridiculous set of people around me in the workplace and daily lives away from my near dear ones (Read Parents and siblings).

I need to get myself free from this. I ought to fight this out and overcome the current mess thanks to my wonderful Teddy bear who walked out of my life leaving a huge void, almost irreplaceable, to the best of my ability.

I lost in the love field. I lost to my own panache to carve out a wonderful world for me and her where nothing else would matter, but love for each other and all that crap things to pamper and shag ourselves, those crazy things to do to keep the painful passion alive. In the yearning of a perfect world around me, I was left with a rubble and ashes of my love gone wrong. I lost to my own craziness to keep in touch with her, thus invading her “private space” which I felt had overlapped with me and then there would be nothing called as individual space in our relationship once I and she were interwined with each other.

I was left with infinite wounds to heal upon which were inflicted to my soul. My existence was questioned with all the rubbish stuff as it could get. That’s killing stuff. The existence of a person is questioned ? Why ? who gave you that right to question me ? If I am good enough to be here on this planet or not ? Who has given you that feeling to judge me ? When you could not even walk a mile with me when things got tough with me, when the real test of the relationship began, you walked away and came back to me with all set of rubbish questions? You belied all your commitments which you made during walking down the lanes with me on those dusky evenings. You turned turtle to all your false promises of being there for me forever. And you fizzed out when I had some tough times. When I needed you the most to hug you tight to let me feel safe and cared of, you walked off.

I yearned for you. I couldn’t have shed tears because I didn’t want to sound weak and fragile to my folks, but I craved for you. I wrote those long mails urging you to come back, long phone calls to convince you about my worthiness in the relationship we had. Wasn’t it wonderful ? You didn’t think so, so you walked off without even looking back. You knew that I would always be with you no matter the world would walk away from you or even your so called potragonists or your so called faithful mates. You knew you d always find me like a tall protected cover for you in every damn problems and damn situations no matter where, no matter how or when.

I am not blaming you or wont ever do that. For me my love was divine and pure. No selfish interests in that. I never doubted you, I always wanted that we should always love each other to the best of capability alongside talking continously to ease out the frictions and differences. But that never happened. My yearn for love went against me and here I am : broken heart, broken pledges and hurt selves, bruised egos and hearts full of tears and infinite pains. Intoxicated souls and a mind full of insecurities and doubts over the big question : will I ever be able to love any one else even with 1% of the ability as I did to you ? Would that magic be recreated ?

Tough to say, but I have loved you with the soul, not by heart or eyes or intellect or physically as it is this days. And when soul gets bruised and hurt then nothing remains the same and its almost impossible to recreate the magic with any one else. I stand here alone and lonely, though I know this wait for you to come back to me is as futile as expecting a snowfall in Mumbai.

So my dear love, liberate me from your memories which are too good to leave me for good and are so delicate that I don’t wish to hurt them by saying nasty things about you. I am not that. I am not heartless. I have a heart and a bruised one at that.

Liberate me from your nerve wrecking sentiments and the infinite pamperings I did to you. Free my soul. Free me, let me become as care free and as free flowing individualistic as I was before meeting you.

Free me…………