Will you still love me? Part 5

A story of Insecurity after betrayal, hope after reassurance and ... Love after tears

Continued from Here

HIM

I felt alone walking past a busy street. It was 8 in the night, Friday was ending, seducing the hyper maniac crowd of Delhi into the weekend frenzy. There were people in metro who knew nothing about each other and yet passed a smile, just to rejoice the collective freedom from work. I was standing right there between them, frozen into the numbness of the strange emotions that all electrified my senses for the moment. I walked out of the compartment, out of the noisy cheerful aroma of the platform, out on the celebration of life on the street, silently walking towards my friend's apartment, where I had planned to spend the weekend watching football matches and drinking beer, but somehow I felt like doing none of that at the moment. Those eyes, Those irritated angry mysterious and enigmatic eyes. Those beautiful eyes, they chased me along with the words that I read. Those painful words that tip toed silently into my thought process and here I am cluelessly trying to find the reason behind them, knowing that I should not give a damn. But yet. 

4 hours back ... I was happy. I was cheerful, It had been going as I had hoped it would. Miss Too-beautiful-and-Too-confusing and me had our first conversation, and I soon realized how true is the saying that people with strong hostility shield around them are like coconuts, soft from Inside and hard from the outside. I mean, here is this one girl who gives me these cold looks whole of two weeks or something and the moment we first chit chatted, she was so warm, so good, so joyful, and so friendly. The most beautiful eyes in the world, looks even more beautiful when there is a smile on that angelic face. She was intriguing to say the least, I mean like her or hate her, but she was the kind that you would notice.

The laughs came to a halt as time pushed us to return back to work and a bizzare serendipity occurs.

Here I am, on my desk, take phone out from its leather cover, trying to put earpods and switchin on the music player on my cell. I unlock the keypad by the usual "menu" + "*" combination and what I see is miss-enigma herself, wearing a white plain suit,red dupatta, blue bangles and pink nail polish, looking like an absolute adorable kiddo, standing next to a lady who might be in her early 40s or something, who apparently looked like her mom or something. That wallpaper pic also had a birthday cake which said "happy 19 years angel", so that means it was an old pic. She looked just the same though, with a bit more life may be. This seemed interesting, I clicked on --> Gallery and then on the folder Photos --> Personal pics (to find what archives of this beautiful girl I can see which might reveal more of the real her) but what I found Instead was a text draft that read "Me"

I clicked it open.

14 Feb, 2009

.... Not even in my distant dream I thought that dreams would ever come true

I thought some people might fall for me but I never thought one of them could be you

of rainbows and showers, of breezes and flowers, of destiny and love

beyond the promises, beyond the stars, beyond the heavens up above.

29 March, 2009

Seven years we had known each other

from days of laughter, days of friendship, days of love

Yet when today you held me in your arms

and planted those lips of yours to mine

I felt Its the first time we have ever met.

I felt that I would like to explore my whole life, the lover in you!

8 April 2009

The tender touch

The raindrops

Ok It was your shower

so what

Under those wet moments

we saw a dream

The more I recall last afternoon

The more I smile

It was so unplanned

It was so blissful

I your arms, feeling your breath, sins drive my smiles.

The sins that you persuade me to do

The sins I enjoy every second of their occurance

and the everlasting happiness of acceptance

That stays beyond the moment of those sweet sins ;)

15 June, 2011

12 pills. 4 for every 1 of those 3 times that you sold me. 

12 more pills, 4 for every time you entered the cage of my body

12 more pills, 4 for every time I swallowed your love

12 more pills, for the 12 times I saw myself doing the regrettable

12 more pills for the 12,00,000 people who enjoyed my sale

How could you? Why did you? For what? 

I smile for the mistakes I did

I smile for the coward you are

I smile for the fool I was

I smile for the trust that was

I smile for the life of those lies

I smile for the death of this bird, The one that lived in me

I close my eyes, and wish that u die a more painful death then mine

30 August, 2011

My life has not been saved

I have returned to this world, Dead

15 May 2009

To Escape into the mountain forest

The bird jumps from the trees above

midway in her flight she realize

her wings are not with her anymore

2 September 2009

I drink to sleep, I blink to sleep

I cry to sleep, I try to sleep

The one thought that never let me sleep

is that out there, people are watching me sleep

every night before they sleep

6 December 2009

Blood all around me, The blood of my legacy

The blood of my recognition

The blood of my achievement

The blood of my victory

The blood of my defeat... The blood of the girl in me, who for the world shall stay a whore

I cut. I bleed. I die.

1 Jan 2010

They saved me again

"Buzz" his phone beeped, and He realized that Its 10 and he had been standing there outside his friends apartment for almost 1 hour. He was so lost in the thoughts that he just could not realize the time passing by. He took his phone out from his pocket, It was from office. Strange! They never call at night! 

"Hi Suraj, This is devyati from work, Did I disturb your pre-weekend party?", It was a senior from the editorial department.

"Oh! Not at all mam, It is yet to get started", he replied casually.

"well I have a pretty spoiler coming your way then" she laughed.

"shoot mam, I am already in a not so party mood, the news might not affect me much anyways" He smiled in a lighter tone

"I want you to do me a favor, please fill in for the Sunday entertainment page, the soul-curry column inputs"

"I shall do that mam, but were they not suppose to be provided by your favorite intern in the team"

"Ah! She mailed me in the evening today about her plans of not working more in the internship"

"You mean? she has quit?"

"Yeah, I hope I have not spoiled your lazy weekend plan by some extra work" she replied disinterestedly.

"No you have not spoiled it, or may be just a little" I smiled back to her and kept the phone down,numbness took over me the very next moment, to my amaze I felt an unlogical tear pushing its way over my eyes for no reason known to me.

(to be continued)

Pulkit & Maithili

Will you still love me? Part 4

A story of Insecurity after betrayal, hope after reassurance and ... Love after tears

Continued from Here

 I was sitting alone in the cafeteria, having my lunch. The company gave us a voluntary break time and it worked in my favor. I would sneak in for lunch when the rest of them would get back into their cubicles. The cubicles made me feel secure. It was where I felt most comfortable these days. They were impressed with my work and thankfully did not make me go on field. Maybe they realised I excel at my work when I don't have to interact with people. What a contradiction to my previous life!
            

  I had just started on my coffee when I saw him enter the cafeteria and frolic with the girl at the counter. I silently prayed that he doesn't see me. That guy was persistent. I had rebuked him enough times and yet he didn't get tired of starting a conversation. I began to realise that he isn't that irritating when he isn't around girls who drool over him, like in that metro the other day. He looked so lost that I almost thought of talking to him. The way he was trying to wipe his shoes clean reminded me of the school assembly, when first grade boys did the same thing before the inspection! I couldn't believe I actually smiled looking at him. How long was it since I smiled anyway? He caught me smiling at him and gave me that idiotic grin. Ok, I didn't feel the same way about it then. It was something different as if we were sharing a private joke which only we understood. The walls built around me threatened to collapse and I immediately looked away. Gratefully the station arrived soon and its been awkward with him since then. 

         Oh no ! he was coming towards my table and without even asking he settled himself across me. He smiled and got busy with his burger. It was strange to see him so quiet. I looked at him closely for the first time. His dark eyebrows in a perfect arch above his dark brown eyes (I m not sure if he wears lens). His thick hair as usual flopping and covering his forehead which he tried to pull back again and again. His sharp nose and his perfect jawline. If one sees him in the way he was right in front me, one would think of him as a mature and reliable guy. One look at his slender fingers carefully picking out the vegetables in the burger and placing it at the side of his plate, you know what you are dealing with! He looked up at me and once again smiled (does he think the whole clan of girls would fall for his smile?? I admit he was cute though!)

         "Why do they call it chicken burger if half of it is stuffed with these ghaas phoos?" he said gesturing childishly at the dressings as if accusing them of coming on the burger and making it less delicious.  I do the most unexpected thing! I laugh out aloud at his action. 

         "OMG OMG!! You laugh as well!!" He got hyper with his reactions.

          I nod silently and listen to his blabbering. I notice that for the first time he was talking more about work than about me and him and unknowingly I join in the conversation. My phone beeped and I see that it is already 2! For last one hour I have been talking to him and my cheeks hurt due to all the smiling and laughing I had done. IT had to, considering the long period of rest it had got. He noticed my phone and remarked, "Hey I have the same model." 

          I just said, "Congrats" and even though I didn't think it was a great joke it set him rolling with laughter. 

          I finished my second cup of coffee and we returned to work. I noticed that for the first time he was wearing formals ( read proper formals with tie and all) to office.

I started my work and after sometime out of habit went into the gallery of my mobile. The image folder looked strange and the contents left me breathless. I get an anxiety attack of sorts (It hasn't happened for long) and I close my eyes and sit still till the turbulence has passed. I opened my eyes to see him smiling upon me 

         'Hey payal I think thats my cellphone you brought by mistake. Here is yours!"

        I got up in a fit of rage and thrust his phone into his hands and grabbed my own phone. 

        I picked up my bag and rushed out of the office. Tears poured out of  my eyes and I took in a quick smoke. My thoughts before hailing a cab were of resigning from this office..

       

       

Maithili & Pulkit

(to be continued next Wednesday)

Will you still love me? Part 3

One week. Two Holidays (Read it as voluntary bunks). Two Public Holidays (god bless religion). Two "Get out's" from senior intern manager. The first 7 days in short have been usual for me, following the same course on which my life has carefully tread so far.

 I am casual and thus in-spite of all my carelessness for every other serious task, I am good at one thing for sure - Mixing with people around me. Two  other male interns, no matter how boring they were, had gradually gelled with my friendship and for all the utter shit I landed up in during work assignments I could easily tell that female colleagues Riya and Tina found me cute. Not the Ranbir Kapoor kinda cute, but the lonesome vulnerable street puppy kinda cute. You know what I mean. 

Anyways, now coming to The mystery of the office herself, Miss gorgeous hairs and bitter attitude, Payal, About her I was still not sure that she even knew of my existence. I mean its ironical how I was always around cracking jokes on which everyone laughed and she still refused to even lift her chin up from that stupid mobile phone of hers, how I was being screamed to get lost by the in-charge and everyone at that moment being tensed giving me a poor-puppy look while she is busy with her diary making notes as if nothing that happened to me or I did ever was in her sight. It was not rude if I can appropriately put it up, It was disinterest. A complete disinterest which actually serves as a slap in the face for attention seekers like me. Talking of attention seeking, I can tell you something that more and more a person as beautiful as her abhors you for no reason known to self, the more becomes the challenge and curiosity to know the basis behind it. On the weekend, while drinking kingfisher and watching weekend football, I made a note to self to make sure I know why she hates me for what I am, or why she is the way she is. I made another note that very night - To make sure that I carry extra beer for weekends when I have to finish the stupid reporting home work from office. I put the second note as a lower priority, I was gradually becoming obsess of her strangeness.  

Monday morning, The time I have learned to hate for every reason known to me. Late again, carefully just somehow tucking the over length shirt of my roommate as mine was not pressed(read it as not washed), I was looking like an Idiot again for the hundredth time boarding the same metro train for the hundredth Monday in a row, missing two early one's again. The human-sea around me pressed hard and rolling inside, in the next blink of a moment, I was inside the compartment. An old lady right next to me gave me an angry stare "Dikhai nai deta hai kya... You Idiot, You stepped on me while getting in". I made a puppy face my long messed up hairs falling on my eyes and whispered "Sorry aunty". she snubbed and looked the other way. The puppy face never works on old ladies, I looked down on my shoes, the polish has been mercilessly rubbed away by footmarks of the crowd. I started rubbing my shoe from the back flap of my trousers and from my hands I started combing my hairs a bit. I heard someone slowly smiling right behind me, and turned to found a pair of beautiful eyes staring at me, enjoying my nuisance every passing second and carefully observing my every move. She was the mystery herself and though I knew nothing about her except for a name, I was sure of one thing - she had a smile so beautiful like a morning prayer of peace after a sleepless night of tension, She kept smiling watching me and I stood there motionless unable to understand how to respond. The Monday never appeared so warm and beautiful before.

- Pulkit & Maithili

(to be continued next Wednesday)

Will You Still Love Me? - 2

A story of Insecurity after betrayal, hope after reassurance and ... Love after tears

Continued from HERE

HER - I paced back and forth at the bus stop, concious of the eyes savoring me, my body.. I tried not to look anywhere but the buses approaching. A few men spoke in low tones and grinned at each other. I steal a glance at them through the corner of my eyes. A fear too known, grips me. Do they recognise me? It is a warm evening. Even though I m dressed in a full sleeved salwar kameez, I shiver. I feel stark naked at this bus stop.

Someone tapped my shoulders lightly. I was startled and immediately the 'fright, fight, flight' mechanism of my nervous system is in place.

"Hey Payal, I think I scared you."

It was the same guy from office who introduced himself to me last week.
I realised I was sweating profusely and my face had gone pale, my lips colourless. I ran my tongue over my lips trying to usher in remnants of confidence.
"What do you think you are doing?" I shoot at him, immediately realising how viciously sharp my tone had become.
"Sorry Miss, but if you don't respond to your own name, please let us lowly mortals know what name you like to be addressed." he mocked me.
He was just the kind of people I was trying to avoid, who posed danger to me. People too much interested in my life and too reckless to know where to draw the line.
Payal... It would take time to get used to the name. I wondered if the name as purposely chosen to demean me.. To dethrone me from the place that I once occupied in everyone's eyes.
"What do you want?" I confront him to defend my own indifference to my new name.
"I do not need anything. Maybe you will need this tomorrow." he said flashing my ID card.. Oh crap! I had left it behind while signing out.

I muttered a "thank you" and quickly snatched my Id. I see the colour of his face change. I cringe when I see that my act hurt him and he walked away. In some other life I would have gone after him and apologized. Right now I regretted not carrying my pack of cigarettes in my handbag.

************

I reach the place where I have been staying with my uncle's family for more than 2 years now. This place could never be home for me even for a minute.

I get cold stares from my aunt to looks ready to spit venom. I recline in the small room that was once a store room.. It still is, in a way..

I hear aunty shout at uncle, "If anything goes wrong we would lose face. What were you thinking before taking her in? I tell you, this girl will ruin our name. I don't want her shadow on our daughter."

I m strangulated by the ghosts of my past, but not enough to kill me. I could try other ways to kill myself but I hold back knowing that the consequence would be worse..
I drift off to sleep once again hoping that I won't see tomorrow.

IT won't stop.. It is relentless, deligiently following me every night.. I m shaken again, my bed damp with my sweat. That hole left in my chest won't heal. The nightmares remind me every living hour of my past.. I look across the room.. A plate of dinner gone cold.. I eat few morsels.. Like a mother soothing a child and singing a soft lullaby to sleep, the pill that I swallow takes me to a dreamless world.

--Pulkit & Maithili--

(to be continued next Wednesday)

Will you still love me?

A story of Insecurity after betrayal, Hope after reassurance...and love after tears!



 
Image: courtesy -http://fc06.deviantart.net/fs8/i/2005/311/f/d/Boy_and_Girl_by_BeautifulEnemity.jpg
He - 28th August, 2011. Times of India - New Delhi Office.
 I am Suraj Batra, a final year journalism student. It was my first day of internship at office. Seven new interns alongside, and an entertainment section joint editor giving us a tour of the office building, this was exciting. I was out of sync from everyone around me. When all the other 3 male interns were soberly dressed in a check formal shirt, the "beer does a body good" imprinted black T-Shirt was helping me nothing in making a decent first impression. I made a puppy face to the receptionist when she gave me a strange look and immediately decided that I shall rather remain blank when the same strange look is given from all others whole day. The puppy face is not a politically correct escape gesture when u are a guy, specially a guy like me. Slightly overgrown beard, messed up hairs, disorganized and carefree are the two words which actually define me. It took me not long to notice the four other girls in the internship team. The green top had assets that can help me spoil every darn assignment by taking off my concentration, the pink top was cute but looked the rodies type emo a bit - certainly not my taste, the black top was a stunner - 11 on 10, well out of my reach. The fourth one was Strange. she was the most properly dresses among all the girls. Their was an air of arrogance about her which took me to a complete disliking of her. She was walking a few steps ahead of me. White suit and neatly lying from the corner of her shoulders, a dupatta on it. Pinned hairs, half left loose, partially revealing the smell of shampoo looking slightly wet still. She must have been 5 feet 6 inches tall, wheatish complexion, dark black eyes and perfect lips resting below a small nose. She had spectacles resting on her head like a pro reporter or something and she was the only one among us who had not uttered a word yet. She looked the confident-practical breed. The one that hated those like me the most. 
Anyways, I decided to focus on the office tour. It was a colorful creative place and no matter how pain in the ass shall be rising early every morning to come here, I was sure that once in the campus-it shall be fun.15 minutes break after an hour of briefing and touring, all interns quickly made their way to the cafeteria. Names and a little intros were exchanged, Riya, Tina, Akriti. Rahul, Ajay, Vinay. The strangeness was yet to reveal anything about her, she looked disinterested in the chirpiness of the exciting initial conversations and rather continued to tap her touch screen phone to post something on what slightly from the corner looked like twitter screen. I started hating her more and more. What attitude man! She smiled a little and said "excuse me", her voice was contrary to her personality. It was so sweet and polite. I wanted to make a call to my room mate and ask him to pick me up from here only for the matinee show of the movie, the network was breaking and I decided to walk out of the cafeteria to search the signal lines. I found a few finally and managed to get the call connected, It was ringing now.She was standing in the corner watching Delhi from the window and smoking a ciggratte. I tip toed near her, almost forgetting the call. "This can kill, Hi..Suraj. IIMC, JNU final year." I smiled to her. She said nothing in return. Fuck! I made a fool of myself again - I hate my nature at times. "anyways...." I whispered and just as I was about to leave her alone. She turned her face to stare in my eyes and said "I know it kills, and hence I shall have another one soon" She smiled a little. Her eyes were red. She left. My friend on phone was screaming "Abey kuch bolega......." 

---- Pulkit & Maithili


(To be continued Next Wednesday)