I miss you

He: Hi beautiful!
She: Hi
He: Why did you not come today?
She: I wasn’t well.
He: Ab, kya hua tujhe (Now what happened to you)
She: Just didn’t feel like. Any ways, how was your day?
He: Day was fine, but boring without you.
She: Can you ever stop flirting?
He: Can you ever stop complaining about it?
She: Sorry, I asked.
He: Should be. How you feeling now?
She: How can I be after talking to you?
He: Just as fresh as sunshine.
She: Oh please, stop it.
He: You hate me.
She: Finally, sense prevailed in you
He: Fine, I won’t call from tomorrow.
She: I am so glad.
He: Bye sweetheart
She: Bye, meet me tomorrow at the bus stop…tc
He: I wont meet you.
She: Heheh, Like always.

He: Go away you little tease.
She: What would you ever do without me you moron?
He: Yeah! why not? I have some work now. See you tomorrow darling. Take care until den.
She: Sure I will. U too take care

And that was the last conversation they ever shared. After 15 minutes, one of his neighbors called and said, his bike met with an accident and he is no more.

She couldn’t register his words. How was that possible? He was laughing, flirting and teasing just few minutes ago. No, she thought it was some prank or some kind of misunderstanding.

Then it dawned on her…He will not meet her tomorrow at the bus stop…Not tomorrow…not ever.
Tears poured down. She wanted to tell him that she loved him. She could never hate him. She hated herself for saying it.

And that was his last memory of her…she would live with it forever.

That day ended the beautiful friendship they shared…and with him left a part of her too.


I miss you when I walk lonely
I miss you when I flirt
I miss you when the phone rings
I miss you when the bird sings

I wish I could convey my love
I wish I could say goodbye
I wish I could tell what you meant
I wish I could follow your scent

I was rude and I was mean
I might not forgive myself ever
Still I hope you are my friend
I wish I could heal and mend

Your laughter echoes in my dreams
Your thought still makes me smile
I wish I could thank you one last time
For understanding me when I was mime

Please believe me you are special
Please believe me I cared
Please believe me I loved you
Please believe me I still miss you.

PS: Small Dedication to a friend whom I miss a lot. I wish I could tell him that his friendship was the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me. And sorry guys...i have been away for way too long..hope u havent forgotten me. Will try and be regular..

I can Survive

You think its easier to be alone
Alone without your support
Support that made me live with a smile
And still you say that without you

I can survive...

With no smile on my lips
With no one wiping my tears
With no hand to catch me when i fal
lWith no one to correct me when i am wrong
I will live like i lived the years before we met
But would you still say that

I can survive...

I never question thy love
Then why did you question your presence
Was i not able to make you believe?
You are an essence of my life
You are the one who made me believe that

I can survive....

I need you at every step
I need your care and your tease
I need the fights and the little talks we have
I need you sweetheart in everything i do
I need thy love and only then can i say

I can survive....

I don’t know who i am for you
I don’t even care now
All these years with you
Have been a god’s gift for me
I can fight the whole world for you
But i need you to tell me at every step that

I can survive...

When i say i love you, they are no mere words
They are the truth of my heart
You want to leave
I will open the door for you
But don’t expect that without your shadow

I can survive...

You want to find your aim,
You want to be on path of self discovery
I will not create complications
I will love you like i did when i first met you
But i will wait for your return
And return you must

Cuz you are the one who tells this world

I can survive...

I can survive only if i know you are there
I can survive if i know i am being watched over
I can survive if i know i will be forgiven for my mistake
I can survive if i will be still blessed by thy love

Please tell me you will be there
Please forgive me if i have done wrong
Please love me just like you doP
lease tell me i will still be thy kid
Please tell me

I can survive.....

Crime of Silence

What should I expect from you?
It isn’t really your fault
I am the one to be blamed
My eyes are drooped and my soul ashamed

Your words killed my innocence today
How can I believe that you loved me?
How do I know that it was your anger which spoke?
How do I move on and consider it a joke?

Do I mean nothing to you?
All these years of love and affection
Was it a dream that I lost?
The lilies of my patience are dying
‘cuz of your inconsiderate frost

Every time you said it,
And I was always silent
My soul screamed with every accuse
And for days I was left fighting with my blues

I could have answered your questions
But you had no right to question my soul
He says to tell you all I have in heart
Or else move on, not worry why we part

How should I move on?
How should I be numb to my pain?
Why are you the one inflicting pain?
When you should have been my sunshine in the rain

Your questions make me doubt self
My dignity is being put on charge
And you are the one standing against me
Why have you given deaf ears to my plea?

I am surprised you could say it
Did you know the gravity of your words?
He says I am the sufferer
But for him I am also the defaulter

Should I sit and cry for days?
Or should i erase your words from thoughts
Should I confess my crime?
Or should I wait for the music of chime

Yes I am wrong; I am solely to be blamed
I accepted my mistake and I still do
But how could you say, my anguish was no issue?
But yes my tears for you were never an issue?

A wait....

Confusion of love
His absence prevails
I want to play the blame game
Accuse him today for being so lame

Not a letter or even a note
Just walked pass the door
Leaving me alone
And took away my smile, as if it was his own

I miss him still
Why i don’t know
My tears haven’t dried and the pain still fresh
All i am left with body of flesh

My heart still beats but still for him
With ever knock of the door it still hopes
That he might return, realising his mistake
All this will end, the hurt and the endless ache

I gave him my heart
And all my soul
His love was my heaven
A dream of being snowhite with dwarves seven

A dream of him, a dream of us
Reality is hard and i am forced to open eyes
To come in terms with the hole in my heart
How was i to know that his end was my start?

My eyes look for him in every gathering
My ears ache to hear his breath
His laughter echoes at every corner
And today for him i am just a foreigner

I want it to stop
I want my love to fade
Want to burn away his memories
Want my heart to hate
And all it does is wait...and wait.....

PS: sorry guys...was busy ...or should i say i am busy with my papers so will try and be regular....

Rashi (Acrostic)

Rebel, a fighter
Adorable to heart
Simple yet twisted
Happiness is all she imparts
Imagination of angels, turned into reality

We all know Rashi u are a sweet heart...n i dont need to say it...but just an attempt to put ur sweetness in words...

Counterfeit

Loveless nights
Turmoil inside
Alone amongst walls
Seeking your touch
Was it all fake?
Holding hands by the lake
Promises with the sun rise
Trust in those eyes
Was it all worth the stake?
The tears of loss
The guilty soul
The unknown goal
All gone with you
Into a distant world
The hands deceiving
Promises broken
Trust a mistake
Yes it was all fake!
Wasn’t worth the stake.

Mockery of My Life

The silent prayer
The painful tears
Life’s essence long I have lost
Innocence mutilated
Conscience buried
Despise for my soul
All along I have just dug empty holes
Ashamed shadow
Rootless history
Sulking, hating
Even on the doors of hell I am left waiting
His ruthless attempts
Me shouting and moaning
Deaf ears is all I get from him
No more fight is left in me
I bow in to his victory
What was left mine?
Just a life that was gracefully turned into a mockery.

Shayri

I wrote all these three...n though they all are dealing with the same topic but i dnt think they have any flow...but i still want to paste them...

Ishq apse kiya uska gila nahi
Dard apse mila uski shiqayat nahi
Apke dil mein rehne ka armaan tha
Armaan hi hai gunah to nahi!!

Mere dil, meri rooh mein bus gaye wo
Mera imaan, mera sukoon ban gaye wo
Unko bhulakar main zindagi to jee leti
Bus intezar karne ki vajah de gaye wo!!

Jinke noor se roshan tha humara jahan
Wohi is jahan ko chodh chale
Judai ka gum nahi hai humein
Bus apni ruswayi wo peeche chodh chale
Main to pyasi hi rahi unke pyaar ke liye
Bus wo hamari palkon ko num chodh chale!!

also at http://thehope-life.blogspot.com/

I am not fine

He: how u doing?
Me: fine
He: u sound low
Me: no I am fine.

I am fine….it is a statement I despise from the core of my heart. Because in spite of this ready fineness, I am not fine.

Then why is it so hard to admit. Why am I always putting that sweet smile in front of everyone that tells them that I am fine?

I have few ready answers to this –

1. Everyone who presently copes up with me, will hate me for saying this.
2. I don’t want people to pity on me. Self – pity is hard enough to live with.
3. I love the feeling of being loved for my sweet demeanor, which I feel vanish with time if I tell them its not fine.

There are many more reasons but for now these are the ones more prominent. Tell me is it always easier to pretend, than to face the reality or to be blunt. Why is it so hard to tell them that it is not okay? Why it is always so difficult to say no, when my conscience refuses even the idea of it.

Day by day, my own self is becoming a huge mystery to me. The more I look for answers the more I get tangled in them.

Someone said to me that nothing in life is permanent. But then why is this temporary phase so torturing.

When can I be free enough to say it is not fine? I am not fine.

PS: into a lot of negative mood today guys....its been a bad day...so just felt like sharing with u guys...as it WL is like my family..

Happy Birthday Angel

It’s a day to rejoice
Rejoice through your heart
Heart of mine prays for you
You and I shall never part

Part of me, for will always be you
You that our my pillar
Pillar of strength and support
Support which shall never cease

Cease, also shall never the love
Love that bonded us so far
Far from all the evil of world
World in which u shine as a star

Star bright life I wish u today
Today the blessings shall shower
Shower of love and affection
Affection of all like a blossoming flower

Flower’s fragrance shall brighten your day
Day that marked the birth of my angel
Angel, you are very special to me
Me that wishes you from the bottom of my heart

A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Bhaiya ( for some **The Silent Soul** n for others Nik) wishing you the very best in life...i dont' know how is the poem as it was something written in utmost haste and i love rash for helping me out with it...so credit goes to her too....but God bless you sweet heart and may you be always happy..... i pray that not even a drop of tear should fall from your eyes and even if it does...the one whom you love the most should catch that pearl as for me that pearl is as precious as you are....Luv you svthrt and no matter how much i fight wid you and no matter what i say to you remember always that this kid loves you from the bottom of her heart...tc sweety...Have a Rocking Birthday...

The Station Phobia

She reached the Old Delhi Railway Station. Her brother had just parked the car, and she waited for the moment to sink in. Her train was scheduled for 9:30 pm. She checked the watch it was 8:55. More than 35 minutes were left (keeping in mind the train would never leave on time) for her before she would leave for her destination. She would soon be in a place she detested the most – a railway station.

After the coaxing from her brother, she left the car n preceded towards the station. One of the coolis fell on her trying to convince her that her luggage was too heavy n a girl like her could never manage up to the platform. That little brush up worsened her nerves that she had built on her way to the station.

On the entrance of the station she waited at a side till her brother got the platform ticket for himself. She stood their analysing the world of the station. So many people were lying down on the ground, some eating, some sleeping and others busy in other errands. They were at same ease as she felt at home. She felt a pang of uneasiness creep into her. The same questions arose in her mind as they always did. How did they manage? How did they live? Was this city so small that they have to take refuge here? Before she could sigh more, her brother comes in and tells her to proceed towards platform number 1A (Sigh! It’s the farthest platform). She moves within the small gaps that can acknowledge her small feet. She climbs the stairs with small steps as if afraid of what lay ahead. Her brother reminds her its 9:10 and she will be late. Her steps quicken towards her destination she is least interested to reach. Her heart beats escalate steadily as she reads the sign of platform no.3. Two more to go....platform no.2...one more to go...platform no.1. She felt as if her world had come to a standstill. But her brother tells her 1A is a bit further. She finally reaches and she checks the time. Its 9:15. 15more minutes of torture.

As she reaches the platform she hurries to check her birth no. After settling her luggage in the train she climbs down to the platform. It’s just 9:20. She couldn’t believe the time passed so slowly. She sat on a chair near-by. Her brother had gone to get water for her. She saw people hurrying towards the train as if it would vanish the next second. They shoved each other as if every other person was a piece of furniture. She hated it.

That’s when she saw someone waving goodbye to their beloved. The terror returned. She felt dizzy as the past memories flashed in her mind. The fear of losing people she loved reappeared. She wouldn’t see any of them again. This would be her last goodbye. This journey would take her away from everything she loved. Her parents, her siblings, her friends – she would lose them all. All the familiar faces appeared, waved at her and disappeared into her helplessness. She wanted to cling onto one of them but she couldn’t. Tears overwhelmed her eyes and she thought she would faint any second.

No sooner her brother shook her vigorously, its 9:30 what you doing dumb head. U ‘ll miss ur train dear. He saw tears in her eyes but didn’t know what caused them. Seeing his confusion she took the bottle from his hand and climbed the train. He kissed her cheeks, wished her luck for the journey and waved her goodbye. The train had started to move steadily. It was already 9:35. And she could see her brothers face drift away with distance as the train gained momentum. She stood their waving till she couldn’t see him anymore...she had lost him...that was all she felt....


Cross posted@ http://thehope-life.blogspot.com/

LOVE - 4 ( A continuation)

I was too inspired by what Yamini wrote...so wanted to take it a bit further...it can be a part of chain and loop poetry

Fade away from the hope of the night
Night that was filled with all your love
Love was all I searched in you
In you I found the almighty above

Above all I trusted you
You were the only one I wished for
For whom my love never ceased
Ceased to exist and to be at war

At war I am with me
Me alone, questioning glares
Glares of paun and perished soul
Soul that was now drenced in tears

Mayri Zindagi

Haqqeqat nahi, khwabon mein jeeti hoon
Wahin unke ikraar ka intezaar karti hoon

Khwab to shayad jhooth ka aeena ban jaate hain
Shayad wahin unke aks ko mehsoos kar sakti hoon

Apne aks ko jhutlakar, unki zindagi jeeti hoon
Apni muskan bhulakar, unke askhon ko peeti hoon

Zindagi ke darpan mein akeli nazar aati hoon
Khwabon mein bhi unke sath ke liye taras jati hoon

Socha tha unse apne ahskon ki shikayat karenge
Na keh hum paaye, na siskiyan wo sun paaye

Pyaar wo humse kar na paye
Juda hum unki yaadon se ho na paye

Zindagi unke naam kar, unhi ke liye jeeti hoon
Tabhi shayad haqeeqat nahi, khwabon mein hi jeeti hoon




PS: thanks to asbah for the title

My Friend, Philosopher n Guide

He just asked me today that have you written anything on me...i haven’t n its strange because my favourite topic for posts is people i love the most...so here is a dedication to my friend philosopher and guide. The person who introduced me to the beautiful world of blogging and to this amazing place called The Writer’s Lounge.

I met him 3yrs back (not met actually but talked on one of those social networking sites) and my first reaction to him was...what a flirt he is and the typical gunda mawalli with a display pic of the bigdha hua delhi ka ladhka...accepting his friend request was a mistake (not anymore though)

The first thing we talked about was studies (can u bet :P)...n he soon realised he was giving advice to a very wrong person i guess. But still we talked from anything to everything. Coming from the same culture we had similar yet very different issues.

The first time i talked to this guy i was so intrigued by him. There was something in him...may be his simplicity or honesty from day one that drew me towards him.
I was going through my own internal crisis (sorry bhai i lack for a better word here :P) at that time. And he was my rescuer or as i secretly put it, my Mozart. It was amazing that he understood me so well. After all it had been just few months knowing each other and just days since we exchanged numbers. He was a stranger i knew since ages. At least he did. I was a child (u would correct me here i still am :P) and with him it didn’t make me conscious. More honestly i love being the child around him. The sound of when he calls me “baccha” reminds me every time that he is there to take care of me.

With time our bond grew deeper and i didn’t even realise when you started considering me as your sister and it came as a surprise to me. and soon things changed also. From Nikhil it got changed to bhai. I don’t know when but it just did. Seems a long time back.

*SMILE*

In you i found a solace from the world so evil. You showed me the beautiful world around me, gave me the courage to live this life with a smile. You encouraged me to live when i lost all hope to move one. You gave me the reason. You know right now i just am reminded of this song

It’s The reason from Hoobastank

I have found out a reason for me
To change who i used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

Yes the reason was you...and i am glad i changed (yes i have...no matter what u say)

I loved it when you scolded me (hahaha...i am shameless u don’t need to tell me that)...it told me that you cared, that you loved me. No, it wasn’t a parameter to judge your love (i still have to find one for that) but still it was nice. You are one person who accepted me as who i was. You penetrated the wall or as i used to call it my shell so softly that i didn’t even realise it. But i want to thank you today for doing that.

Every pettiest of issue from fights with mom to my classrooms worries...i could share it all with him. Even the silliest of question i could ask him without any hesitation.

I am sorry sweetheart for all those sleepless nights i gave you...for all the frustrations i caused you...you deserved none but for me you were the only one.

And yes, i apologise for not listening to you. I know it hurt you more than it hurt me and i learnt it the hard way but can’t help it...you know how stubborn i am...i guess you know me the best.

His enchanting eyes (i am sure you are smiling now :P...so am I) is a mirror of my soul. When i talk to him it feels i am talking to myself. We often talk about self introspection...my self introspection is done by him.

To surmise my words i would say...like God knows his children the best...the same way Bhai knows me the best.

I wrote this poem long time back for him...

You were the answers to my prayers
Ready to take the pain of my share
Gave me the courage to bear it all
Always there whenever i called.

I never looked around for love
But your friendship was as beautiful as dove
You were the sunshine in the dark
With the voice as soothing as the lark’s.

Removing the insecurities, you taught me to live
You gave me the gift no one ever could give
Loved me more than i can say
I wonder if i could ever repay.

You nurtured me just like a seed
Partly with love, partly with respect,
Protecting me from every weed.
I know this tree will blossom well
Under your protection and affectionate spell

Reinstated my life with childish innocence
Happiness was left no longer a pretence
Brother, you are more precious than the pearl
I hope i don’t lose you in this timely whorl

A person whose words weren’t mere words for me but the truth of my soul...the person whom we know as **The Silent Soul** akka Nikhil akka Nik akka Bhai (just for me :P)

Bhai, thank you for being there with me throughout (i expect the same treatment in the future also :P :D)

May you be bestowed with all the happiness in this world.

I love you...mmmuuuaaaaahhhh.

Your bacchaa

PS : oops long post guys...n i still feel i havent written enough

Mother (A Dedication)

I fight with you almost everyday....but i still love you a lot mom...its a gift from god i treasure the most...thanks for being there...i am sure i havent done justice to what beautiful person a mother is but i wanted to write....i tried kan...

Did god know what he created?
A soul so pure and untainted
Limits to whose love were unknown
Was it always there or with time had it grown?

Bearing the pain with a twinkle in the eye
Her eyes are numb whenever I cry
Buried in her lap, all worries drown
Her loving smile obscures my frown

She calls me her little angel
The one she molded with her love and care
Gave me the wings to fly and dare
Waves came and made me shudder
But she stood by me as an impregnable pillar

Her love so pure and beautiful divine
Gave me her all but didn’t even whine
Took away my pain with every embrace
When my thoughts went limp
She was the one with a ready stash
I never question the presence of God
Because in her I see the almighty Lord

PS: also at my blog http://thehope-life.blogspot.com/

एक अनकही दास्तान

बंद आंखों से देखा है मैंने एक सपना
की चाहूं जिसे उसे कह सकूं अपना
आँखें खुली तो हकीक़त सामने दिखी
किस्मत ने आंसुओं से थी ज़िन्दगी लिखी

अकेली आई थी, अकेली ही जा रही हूँ
क्या है मेरा अपना जो उसे दे जाऊं
अपनी मुस्कान कहीं पीछे छोड़ आई हूँ
शायद उनकी पलकों पर बसाकर चली आई हूँ

आंखों से गिरता मोती सवाल करता है
क्या वो भी तेरी आहट को तरसा करता है
क्या वो भी तन्हाई में कभी रोया करता है
या यह नादान दिल तेरा यूँही आहें भरा करता है

रात के अंधेरे में तन्हाई का एहसास हुआ
सरकती हवा से लगा जैसे उसी ने छुआ
तब भी दिल से निकली उनके लिए बस एक दुआ
की पूरा हो जाए उनका हर एक सपना
चाहे वो जिसे उसे कह सके अपना



PS: trying hindi after a long time....also at my blog http://thehope-life.blogspot.com/

Chain post 7 (Love lost)

Beautiful one which was the real human in me
Me and him was the picture complete
Complete was all i wanted to be
to be the only one for him

Him i lost wid the span of time
Time was short and more i sought
Sought for only his care and love
Love that i lost with the real me

PS: dunno if i did justice to it but i really wanted to write one

Last Christmas - 1

I am Sarah Oldfield. I am 25yrs old, working in a MNC. I am blessed with a loving and a caring family, hale and hearty, huge friend circle to hang out wid. In all you might say that I am blessed with a beautiful life. But am i content and satisfied? A philosophical question...but yet an intriguing one. Every night when I am alone in my room, i want to change my life. I want to stop being myself. Stop being Sarah Oldfield. For me i have no existence. Like one of my friends says that maybe i am merely breathing and not living.

So here i am expressing an incident of my life that took away the essence of my life. It happened 6yrs back on Christmas but i still call it my Last Christmas.

I still remember the dawn of 1st August 2003. My college had just begun. The beautiful rays of the morning light woke me up. I was over excited like any teenager who was entering college. I had already arranged my clothes, with a pair of matching sandals a night before. Everything had to be perfect for the D- day. It took me more time than usual to get ready. Mom had to kick me out of my room to circumvent me form getting late. My brothers hugged me and advised me to stay away from guys. Dad dropped me to the college. ;P :D i smile every time i remember that day.

I was afraid to enter the college gates and looked around consciously. I saw i wasn’t alone. This encouraged me to go ahead. With my head down I went straight to the reception (without acknowledging the environment of my college). I enquired about my class and was told room number 3201.

I entered the room and it was so discreet that i thought i was the only one in the room. The room was full of tensed students which confirmed i was in the right room. I looked around for a seat in the front rows but they were all occupied. I was never a back bencher so was a bit apprehensive in going back, but i had no choice. I sat next to a gal who looked as if she has just seen a ghost. She was so nervous. The wait for the professor was a nail biting experience for me. With great conviction, i introduced myself to the girl besides me. She is Lavender Brown and my best friend till date, the sole witness to the death and reborn of Sarah.

We were told that no lectures were going to be held today and we would be given time to get used to each other. Me and Lavender were glued to each other. Seniors issued the notice that no fresher will be wearing any iridescent clothes from tomorrow, only white and black was allowed.

Rest of the day remained uneventful and as the end approached finally me and Lavender had to part ways (and honestly i was a bit relieved cuz she was too nosy...she still is...but i love her nevertheless). I knew i had to find my own convenience for home. i decided to walk down (i had to fit in my black dress tomorrow :P) i left the college gate and was overall satisfied with my day. It was a good beginning. I was so engrossed in my thoughts of the day that i didn’t even realise that someone was behind me since i left the college. When i finally became conscious of him, i got a bit scared. But he introduced himself as Sam Wesley. He was supposedly my classmate.

Sam: hi.
Me: hi
Sam: I think you didn’t recognise me
Me: ya, i haven’t noticed everyone in our class actually. Sorry!!! (why did i have to say sorry)
Sam: it’s alright. So how was the first day.
Me: it was nice. But i was very nervous
Sam: so was i in the beginning but now totally cool. Where do you live?
Me: just down the lane (what the hell does he have to do with my address :x)
Sam: so u r afraid to give away your place :P
Me: (did he just read my mind) naa, nothing like that.
Sam: hey, i need to go the other way now...you carry on...i will c u tom
Me: hmm sure...bye...c u (thank God)

That was one of the most casual conversations of my life. Did i know then that this guys whom i barely noticed today would become an indispensable part of my life. Who would change me for who I am? A person who shall mark me his forever.

Na i don’t think so. He was just dumb redhead who exasperated me a lot that day.

PS: This is my first attempt on a story series. so i want u all to be very honest guys.

also at http://thehope-life.blogspot.com/

LOST YOU

Last night you were there,
The full moon night and the thoughts we shared,
The wish to pierce those eyes once again
I tried and tried but all attempts in vain

I ran away from the mirror of my soul
I refused it to fill my empty hole
I had your love and all your care
But still wanted to be alone to shed those tears

The truth waited eagerly to be revealed
I prayed to God and to you I kneeled
To forgive me for the words i was about to say
For the facts that i hid from you that day

I began and you heard it all in contempt
I could feel your eyes burning with rage
I hoped you believed that i never lied
I begged for mercy, when i knew there was none
I longed to go back and rewrite what i had done.

The endless turmoil of the night ended
I opened my eyes from the dream harsh and twisted
I yearned what i saw would never be true
How could i live if i just LOST YOU

HUM APKE HAIN KAUN!!!

I came back from college. It was 7:30. There were still 4hrs before I could talk to him. it was an endless wait. I went online hoping i would meet him online but he wasn’t there. I left him an offline message to call me if he gets free even when i knew it was a futile attempt on my side. When did he ever call me? i realised i had my college assignment to submit tomorrow but was too tired from the bus journey. Everyday travel from Faridabad to Delhi was a frantic experience. Let the assignment go to hell. I have my papers coming and the course and the books are still a mystery to me. and even with all this in my mind i was waiting for the clock to strike 11:30 so i could call him. To tell him how my day was and what all happened. It was like a daily routine. I would say more of an addiction. I went to the balcony to feel the fresh air. It was always a welcome feeling. I looked up at the moon and silently hoped that he would send my care and love to him. Confused by my feelings i went inside. What was happening to me?? i gazed at the clock and it was just 9:30. For that moment i wanted to change the course of the time. Toil of 2 hrs was still left. Sigh

Mom called for dinner and at least being with my family would keep my mind away from him even though just for a small time. I ate my dinner. I wondered if he had eaten his. After all he is so careless. I rushed the thoughts away from my mind and concentrated on my dinner. It was over and i again checked the clock. It was 10. The time passed so gradually. I went to my room. Again went online to check if there are any offline messages. There were none. I was not upset ‘cuz i am too used to his non communication and i never blame him. I never complain either. Making a mental note of complaining today i start my stroll along my room. My mom asks me to make coffee for her. Dam i don’t want to work right now. I just want to be alone with my thoughts. But i don’t have much of an option. I brew her coffee and thankfully its 11. I smile. Half an hour more and i would finally hear his voice. I ask myself why I am so anxious to talk. And like always i have a reason to convince myself that i had a bad day and i just want to share my frustrations with him. but maybe he is not even interested to hear your chatter every day. He doesn’t complain ‘cuz he doesn’t want to hurt you. But you just don’t understand. Sigh. Really, he doesn’t want to talk to me. a question that troubles me every night. And even the rose gives me a different answer every day. My eyes fell on the clock besides me. it was 11:30. Finally thank god. It was like a wait till eternity. All the questions, and the uncertainties vanish in the thin air. I shut the light. I pick up my cell and dial his number. I can see his face shining on my cell phone screen. And before i can have more glances at him he picks up. After complete 24hrs i hear his deep voice. A voice that touches my heart everyday.

Him: hi
Me: hi, How was ur day
Him: fine, how was yours
Me: fine
(a long silence is followed)
Him: what happened?
Me: nothing
Him: bata bhi de
Me: kuch ni. Bus aise hi.
Him: bolegi ni ab
Me: (silence followed by a smile and followed by a thought “thank god! He knows me so well”)
Him: hello?
Me: ya, i m there
Him: main phone rakh doon
Me: i had a bad day
Him: i could guess that, what happened
(and then finally my pata hai sessions(name given by him) start)
After all my frustration is out, i smile. I hear him tell me what i should do.
Him: mujhe bahut neend aa rahi hai
Me: *sigh* abhi to 12 hi baje hain.
Him: bol to aise rahi hai jaise meri gf hai
Me: no comments (laugh)
Him: (laughs)
Its a treat to watch him smile. My heart says a silent prayer that his smile should never fade.
Him: now will u let me sleep?
Me: sure....
Him: byes
Me: byes, gn n sd. Tc. i love you
Him: hmmm bye

And i hung up with a smile. My heart is content and calm. I have no complains with him. he doesn’t call me but i knw somewhere down the lane of his heart he does care for me. he doesn’t love me but still he does. I know. He might not say it with the frequency i want to hear it but i never complain. Because i am thankfull to even the mere presence of his in my life. He is one person who doesnt judge me by my actions but knows the real me. i person with whom i don't have to pretend being a person i am not.

Some say that i love him (even he says it sometimes). But i never accept it. I know its hard for you people to believe me. but yes i don’t love him. i am committed to him with all my blood and flesh. And i trust him like i trust no one else. But i don’t love him.

So when i think of our relation and the time that has flown past us, i don’t have many questions but sometimes i do ask myself “HUM APKE HAIN KAUN”