May 5, 2009

I am not fine

He: how u doing?
Me: fine
He: u sound low
Me: no I am fine.

I am fine….it is a statement I despise from the core of my heart. Because in spite of this ready fineness, I am not fine.

Then why is it so hard to admit. Why am I always putting that sweet smile in front of everyone that tells them that I am fine?

I have few ready answers to this –

  1. Everyone who presently copes up with me, will hate me for saying this.
  2. I don’t want people to pity on me. Self – pity is hard enough to live with.
  3. I love the feeling of being loved for my sweet demeanor, which I feel vanish with time if I tell them its not fine.

There are many more reasons but for now these are the ones more prominent. Tell me is it always easier to pretend, than to face the reality or to be blunt. Why is it so hard to tell them that it is not okay? Why it is always so difficult to say no, when my conscience refuses even the idea of it.

Day by day, my own self is becoming a huge mystery to me. The more I look for answers the more I get tangled in them.

Someone said to me that nothing in life is permanent. But then why is this temporary phase so torturing.

When can I be free enough to say it is not fine? I am not fine.

PS: into a lot of negative mood today guys....its been a bad day...so just felt like sharing with u guys...as it WL is like my family..


25 comments:

  1. None of us are fine, truly and completely. But the point is where is that person who can look at you and say wtf is wrong with you? Just tell me.

    There used to be that person and now the person seems lost in their own webs, eh?

    Patience.. Till then.. Main hoon naa...

    You know how we most of the time sail in the same boat.. Sometimes you tide me over and sometimes I will.. :)

    That person in the mirror should recognise you bas!

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  2. dunno rashi...i am actually not looking for him to say i am not fine but just d inability to express my self is frustating...i hate to pretend but thats what i do most often...

    n i knw u r there...n i love u for dat...mmuuuaaahhh...

    thanks babes for bein a great punching bag...

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  3. aww baby .....what do i say...i m having the same thoughts as of now :-( ...Gosh and i hate it...i want all optimism to be everywhere want things to be perfect and happy and in the struggle i forget my smile....i m human ....wish i too had such a angel to tell me all is fine :(....
    As Rash said i say the same Main hoo na baby....and trust me i will sail u thru and even u Rash :)....even if i drown i wdnt ever let u drown....and trust me the temporary phase is bad but then there is hope at the end of tunnel that it will be over soon...Trust me ...Trust fate and Trust urself

    Love ya
    XOXO

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  4. the reason behind this sadness;

    you are turning into a woman, I don't know, but I feel so.. as we grow up, we look at our grief and sorrows with a whole new perspective, we start looking into the pros and cons of undergoing pain, we weep and not cry!

    a big hug to you! just like Rash and Nabs and you, I am fine too :)

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  5. pros and cons of sharing the pain we are undergoing; is what I meant..

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  6. 3 women.. all 3 lost in themselves.
    I can advise just one common solution:

    TAKE A PEN AND PAPER (Not typiing on Notepad) and sit down alone. WRITE ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING THAT COMES UNDER THE HEADING "How i want myself to be"

    WRITE AS MANY POINTS AS POSSIBLE.

    Next write "What is the hinderance in becoming so??"

    Next, "Ways and solutions."





    for most of the ppl, this works. As u put yoour mind on paper. and every thought you pen down is THERE. FIXED. Not moving every second with every different thought.

    TRY IT. DEN SEE THE PAPER FROM A DISTANCE. Im sure it will benefit.

    Atleast in unclogging...

    ReplyDelete
  7. Nik,

    Fixed??? Seriously? My thoughts and fixed? Dont YOU know better?

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  8. @Rashi

    ON PAPER THEY WILL BE. Once u pen dem down...dey WILL BE. WORDS WONT FLOW OUT OF THE PAPER.

    @Kajal
    Everytime there is SOMETHING that works.. you just need to find that something.

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  9. hope this gets gets over as soon as possible dear!
    life is sometimes tough... even without asything being asked to be done... the existence do become a troma at times!
    those who utilize the phase... learn and grow... survive... win!
    :)
    its just a phase... cos u mentioned it as a phase... then sure its all clear...within u ...that... this too will pass by!
    :)
    tc god bless!

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  10. u know wat Shwetha..!! That's exactly how i'm feeling today.. EXACT..!!

    I too am in the same confusion.... For now, finding answers to them is tough.....

    But i believe in - Nothing is Permanent... so lets see... :)

    Cheers..!!
    Arjun

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  11. It's really easier to pretend everything is okay when its not, than telling it all. Sadly I can't tell anyone cuz I don't want to get tangled in more questions they will ask. Why is it so difficult to tell others? I don;t know but I wouldn't want sympathy may be that's way...

    Hey gurl! Cheer you. Nothing lasts forever, not even your worries. This will pass :)

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  12. take care tweety! :)

    just talk to me soon when u feel down! will try n fix it! :)

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  13. wish we were really fine when we say it:(

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  14. cheerup girl!!!!

    u r grwing.....thats life!!!!

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  15. @nabs

    i am grateful for ur support nab...thats all i can say...thanks for bng dere to hear my blabber...

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  16. @kan

    maybe yes its a phase of my life but i wish can dat its over asap...i am not used to live wid such crappy feeling...

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  17. @bhai

    u knw what feelings dnt alwas have words...sometimes u just feel it...everything cant be put in black n white n least of all wid women like us...who are lost in demself... :P :D

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  18. @pukit

    i too wish so dear dat it passes...but till it does its torturous

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  19. @arjun

    thankg god i am not alone...i hope we all find our ways out...

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  20. @ms R

    thanks fr d encouragement...i hope so too dat my worries will fade away...

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  21. @leo

    i knw leo i can alwas count on u...thanks nevertheless fr ur kind words...

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  22. @cn

    i wish so too dear..i gues we all do...

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  23. @ste

    i think so but like i told u before ste i am not growing up in d way i wanted to...so for me life's being unfair... :( n dat makes me sad...

    ReplyDelete

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