I came back from college. It was 7:30. There were still 4hrs before I could talk to him. it was an endless wait. I went online hoping i would meet him online but he wasn’t there. I left him an offline message to call me if he gets free even when i knew it was a futile attempt on my side. When did he ever call me? i realised i had my college assignment to submit tomorrow but was too tired from the bus journey. Everyday travel from Faridabad to Delhi was a frantic experience. Let the assignment go to hell. I have my papers coming and the course and the books are still a mystery to me. and even with all this in my mind i was waiting for the clock to strike 11:30 so i could call him. To tell him how my day was and what all happened. It was like a daily routine. I would say more of an addiction. I went to the balcony to feel the fresh air. It was always a welcome feeling. I looked up at the moon and silently hoped that he would send my care and love to him. Confused by my feelings i went inside. What was happening to me?? i gazed at the clock and it was just 9:30. For that moment i wanted to change the course of the time. Toil of 2 hrs was still left. Sigh
Mom called for dinner and at least being with my family would keep my mind away from him even though just for a small time. I ate my dinner. I wondered if he had eaten his. After all he is so careless. I rushed the thoughts away from my mind and concentrated on my dinner. It was over and i again checked the clock. It was 10. The time passed so gradually. I went to my room. Again went online to check if there are any offline messages. There were none. I was not upset ‘cuz i am too used to his non communication and i never blame him. I never complain either. Making a mental note of complaining today i start my stroll along my room. My mom asks me to make coffee for her. Dam i don’t want to work right now. I just want to be alone with my thoughts. But i don’t have much of an option. I brew her coffee and thankfully its 11. I smile. Half an hour more and i would finally hear his voice. I ask myself why I am so anxious to talk. And like always i have a reason to convince myself that i had a bad day and i just want to share my frustrations with him. but maybe he is not even interested to hear your chatter every day. He doesn’t complain ‘cuz he doesn’t want to hurt you. But you just don’t understand. Sigh. Really, he doesn’t want to talk to me. a question that troubles me every night. And even the rose gives me a different answer every day. My eyes fell on the clock besides me. it was 11:30. Finally thank god. It was like a wait till eternity. All the questions, and the uncertainties vanish in the thin air. I shut the light. I pick up my cell and dial his number. I can see his face shining on my cell phone screen. And before i can have more glances at him he picks up. After complete 24hrs i hear his deep voice. A voice that touches my heart everyday.
Me: hi, How was ur day
Him: fine, how was yours
(a long silence is followed)
Him: what happened?
Him: bata bhi de
Me: kuch ni. Bus aise hi.
Him: bolegi ni ab
Me: (silence followed by a smile and followed by a thought “thank god! He knows me so well”)
Me: ya, i m there
Him: main phone rakh doon
Me: i had a bad day
Him: i could guess that, what happened
(and then finally my pata hai sessions(name given by him) start)
After all my frustration is out, i smile. I hear him tell me what i should do.
Him: mujhe bahut neend aa rahi hai
Me: *sigh* abhi to 12 hi baje hain.
Him: bol to aise rahi hai jaise meri gf hai
Me: no comments (laugh)
Its a treat to watch him smile. My heart says a silent prayer that his smile should never fade.
Him: now will u let me sleep?
Me: byes, gn n sd. Tc. i love you
Him: hmmm bye
And i hung up with a smile. My heart is content and calm. I have no complains with him. he doesn’t call me but i knw somewhere down the lane of his heart he does care for me. he doesn’t love me but still he does. I know. He might not say it with the frequency i want to hear it but i never complain. Because i am thankfull to even the mere presence of his in my life. He is one person who doesnt judge me by my actions but knows the real me. i person with whom i don't have to pretend being a person i am not.
Some say that i love him (even he says it sometimes). But i never accept it. I know its hard for you people to believe me. but yes i don’t love him. i am committed to him with all my blood and flesh. And i trust him like i trust no one else. But i don’t love him.
So when i think of our relation and the time that has flown past us, i don’t have many questions but sometimes i do ask myself “HUM APKE HAIN KAUN”