along

I thought I knew how to pronounce “Willamette”.

With the emphasis on the Will,

my tongue rolled over the lamette.

The bridges that cross it did not help me.

Hawthorne and Burnside,

Morrison too, I bet,

also misspoke the American Indian word.

I always thought it nice,

this noble native name.

Especially after “on the”,

or “to the”, or “by the”.

But now I know I was wrong

and the rhythm has changed completely.

The river I knew… rejects me.

Her once giving tide rescinds.

I can’t reach her water.

Her name is “wilLAmette”.

She flows faster,

more now that she is far from me.

Was I too slow reaching the other coast?

My getting lost made sure I would lose.

And now the Northwest is foreign as Macau,

far-off as Kyoto, distant as Seoul.

I did it:

I named the river and loved her as that.

Now?  I hear her true name yet I still do.

I hear “Willamette” and it rhymes with “you”.

Your water flowing faster and away.

I hear the tide recede

and it rhymes with “we”.

The rhythm of your river changing.

It’s mouth no longer speaks to me.

photo1:http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3285/3048880550_5340c44997_o.jpg

photo2:http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2167/2379265390_3cdfd43edf_b.jpg

He loves me not!

Every morning i wake up to a new day with emptiness in my heart. I dress up and walk lost completely in my own thoughts.I sometimes don' undersand myself a all. I know that i am running to reach somehing,I know i am searching for something. But i don' get it! I mean where i am heading to!? What i am searching for!? Why does rain bring such bliss in my heart! Why do i yearn to behold the beauty of a butterfly.Why am i waiting for a miracle that would change my life!?? My mind is filled with questions. The quest has begun.But the path is unknown. I am lost in my own journey called life.How starnge i don't understand my own life. When i say i am searching for god why isit that people laugh at me!? What's so funny about it!? The happiness i know takes is own sweet time.Why there are times in my life its so dark that i cry to find that ray of light. Why is the sky empty. Where are all those stars which once shone upon me!? Where is that wave which once sung me a symphony!? Where is my god who wiped my tears. Where is he who once held my hand and said he would never let go!?

I played that game again. Its called "He loves me, He loves me not. " Why i always lose the game!? Why does it always says "He loves me not" !

PS: Cross posted from my blog.

The Crush

I had written this story some time back on my blog. Let me know if you like it...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The guy was standing at the entrance of the cafeteria, watching girls with rapt attention, saying to himself, "Will she come? Will she not?" But, no. She was no where to be seen. Sadly, he sat down on a nearby table. The bearer as usual arrived and asked if he required anything. He replied, "No, thanks."

PART 1

Rahul was a middle class guy studying in college. On the first day of college, he saw a wonderful girl, very different from others. Not that she was extremely good looking, but her mannerisms, the way she smiled, her nose wrinkled, her steps, everything made him go crazy about her. Sadly the girl was from a different department and so, there was less chance of them getting to know each other. However, as destiny would have it, one fine day, he got the opportunity to interact with this dream girl. It was just a coincidence. She had come to the library with one of her friends, looking for a particular book, but was unable to find it. Rahul had a glimpse of her from one end of the shelf and suddenly felt the urge to speak to her. But, being very shy, he could not gather much courage. He egged himself on and ultimately went forward and said, "Excuse me, miss, I think you are looking for this book." The girl was initially surprised, but then smiled and said "Thank you". She took the book and just walked away. Rahul was kept standing there. He understood that he had missed a golden opportunity of interacting with his dream girl. Later that day, he spoke to his room mate in his hostel about the incident. He told his friend how expressive her eyes were, the way she smiled, the way she got surprised, everything about her was so mesmerizing, so magical. His friend laughed out loud and said, "Never mind dost, you would get more opportunities, I am sure." For the next few weeks, Rahul did not see her. He wondered if something was wrong, but he was unable to find the right person to ask about her. Finally, he got to know that there had been a calamity in her family which had forced the girl to take leave.But the pain remained, he wished he could be of some help to her at such an ill-fated moment. Finally, the wait was over. She was back. A bit tense, a bit pensive, traumatic, but nevertheless attractive as ever. Rahul thought to himself, "Today, I need to speak, no matter what the outcome would be." He approached her, "Hi, this is Rahul. We met that day in the library. Do you remember?" The girl stared at him and slowly said, "Yes, I do remember." Rahul: "So, may I know your name and are we friends?" She replied, "My name is Aindrilla, but I would need to think before accepting a stranger as my friend. Got some work. Would you mind if we talk later?" Rahul said, "Well... nope... surely, please go ahead.". The poor guy was left standing. This was not the exact start he was looking for. The girl seemed so very organized, sober and cool at her first demeanour. But is it like "What you see is NOT what you get" ? Surely, Rahul needed to investigate more. There are more shadows to a woman than one could imagine and this woman seemed no different.Suddenly he felt a bit sad. Was it that she was not liking him, misinterpreting his overtures as something else? He did not wish to think. It also dawned on him that he had fallen hopelessly in love with her, although he did not know anything about her. She could be engaged to someone. There could be painful incidents in the prime of her life which had made her lose all interest in love and its derivatives! Oh.. he suddenly felt a bit dizzy.

PART 2

Aindrilla returned to her room after a hectic day at college. She got herself freshened up and started thinking over the day's incidents. The college was not as bad as she thought it to be. After the tragic death of her grandmother, whom she was so close to, she really looked forward to enjoying here. Afterall, she needed to divert her mind and get accustomed to the loss.Her roomie Sandhya came and asked, "Hey tamatar, how was your day today? haan... " Aindrilla smiled at her and said, "Well, it was good yaar. Today professor Jadav gave a wonderful lecture on Particle Dynamics. He was so fast, I had to literally use shorthand to take down the notes. Even the lab sessions were nice. I have started liking the place, yaar."Sandhya chuckled and asked,"What about the guys, sweetheart? Did you find anyone worth a second glance?"Aindrilla: "Tu bhi yaar... I haven't had that much interaction with anyone till now, but most of them seem okay. Few of them are flirts like anything. Ladki dekhi nahi ki shuru... Arey, today I met a guy... My goodness me! I saw him once in the library. He had helped me out with finding a book and now, he wants friendship. Ufff... What a flirt!" Sandhya: "Come on yaar, did you ask his name?"Aindrilla: "Who cares yaar? I have seen hundreds like that. I stopped short of giving him a piece of my mind today. Next day, I won't spare him, if he approaches again."Sandhya: "Peculiar dear? What happened? Did he misbehave?"Aindrilla: "Nahi nahi, not like that. He seemed friendly, but sooner or later, he would come to the same topic as any other flirt. I am sure."Sandhya: "Come on yaar, don't be a spoilsport. If he wants friendship, what is the harm in it, yaar. See I am engaged to Suraj for five long years and what a sweetheart he is!"Aindrilla suddenly lay flat on her bed, staring straight at the ceiling: "Hey Sandi! I don't think like that! My darling would be a handsome prince, he would be wealthy, powerful and sexy. I would fall head over heels over him at first glance. The boys out here do not fire my imagination. These are just timepasses. And I hate guys who are only too eager to get hold of a girl. These kinda guys are never reliable. Hopefully your Suraj is not like that."Sandhya: "Aha.. is it like that? ok... we'll see dear... I have seen many instances of girls as stern and robust as you are, who have melted like ice and crumbled like a pack of cards, when they have fallen in love."Aindrilla: "Ok... take it as a challenge!"

PART 3

The next few days Rahul thought a lot about the mysterious girl. He suddenly found out that out of 24 hours a day, he would spend 12 hours thinking about her alone. It was having serious implications on his studies as well, as he was not able to concentrate on tasks at hand. His roomie noticed this and told him that he should make friends with someone who knows the girl well, else, it would be difficult to coaxe the girl into meeting him. Rahul thought for a moment and said, "Yes yaar, I have seen a girl with her often. She is very friendly and seem very close to her. Lets see, if I can have a chat with her." The next day only, Rahul saw Aindrilla's close friend.Without the slightest hesitation, he approached. Rahul: "Excuse me..." Sandhya: "Yes, wanna say something to me?" Rahul: "Yeah.. well actually I am from the same year as you. Mechanics department. Can we be friends?" Sandhya smiled and said: "Hey nice to meet you. This is Sandhya and am from the Civil department." Rahul: "Thanks Sandhya... So you are alone today? Where is your friend?" Sandhya:"Who? Aindrilla? Oh she would be coming late. Well do you know her?" Rahul had his heart in his mouth for a moment but he tried to remain composed and answered as coolly as possible. "Oh... no no... that was a casual question. I often see both of you together. So asked about her..." Sandhya: "Ok..." She suddenly glanced at her watch and said, "Oops. I am already late for my class. Cya sometime later. Ok?" Rahul: "Sure"
Rahul thought that the drama had gone as he had wanted.
Sandhya hurried on for the class. As usual she was again late. The professor had started teaching in full swing. Once Sandhya reached, the professor gave her a stern look and glanced at his watch. Aindrilla had in fact reached before her although she was supposed to come late. After the class Aindrilla giggled at Sandhya and said, "Well Sandi, you have made quite a name for yourself as Late Latif. Koi appointment thaa kya?" Sandhya: "Don't ask yaar. I met a guy.... oh what was his name? umm... yeah, Rahul and forgot that I had this class. Arey you know he was asking about you... !!!" Aindrilla: "What? me? I mean, why? I don't think I remember anyone by that name!!!" Sandhya: "Oh no no... he also said he doesn't know you and he just asked since he had got used to seeing both of us together and as you know sweetheart, you were not there today!"
Aindrilla thought for a moment, "Tell me how he looks." Sandhya: "Uff.. I can't describe him like that. Lets go to the canteen and if I see him, I will have both of you introduced to each other. Ok?" Aindrilla: "Hmm... Sandi, don't say you are upto something. Am not falling or it, ok?" Sandhya: "Arrey no yaar. You asked about him. That's why I said. Ok? Even if you get introduced to him, what's the harm?" Aindrilla: "ok ok... You are much superior when it comes to arguing, first God and second you... I agree.." Both of them walked off from the classroom and saw Rahul standing at the entrance of the canteen. Sandhya walked in front of him and said: "Hey Rahul, this is my friend, Aindrilla. Aindrilla, meet Rahul." Aindrilla: "Hello... but I think we know each other, right?" Rahul: "Yeah.. " Sandhya: "But Rahul, you said you do not know her?" Rahul was in a soup now. Somehow he muttered," Well, she did not accept me as a friend, so how could I say, I know her. Besides, it is a fact since I know nothing about her except her name!" and tried to smile... Aindrilla: "Rahul, for you my name is enough. Okay? Sandi I think I am getting late and have some more important works at hand. Do you mind, if I leave." Sandhya: "Hey, wait. I'll also go. Sorry Rahul. I'll talk to you later." Rahul was left stranded where he was. For the first time he felt an adrenaline rush. He was getting angry. What the hell did the girl think of herself! Was she a princess or what? And how dare she insult him like that! And he did not think he had said or done something derogatory to her dignity. Something was wrong definitely but what was it?Aindrilla hurried on to her hostel room. Sandhya went after her and got hold of her. "What is wrong with you tamatar? Why did you behave like that? I don't think the guy said or did something so as to hurt you! Then? Look at me. Tell me, what is wrong!" Aindrilla looked at her. And then, Sandhya could not believe what she saw, her friend's beautiful eyes were aflush with tears. Sandhya: "You? Crying? Why?" Aindrilla suddenly put her arms round Sandhya and continued to sob hugging her Sandi as tightly as ever...

PART 4

Rahul could not have as much as a wink of sleep that night. He thought about the incidents the day before. His Roomie asked him numerous times about it, but to no avail. He kept mum the whole evening and then at night as well. As the hours passed by, anger gave way to sadness, melancholy. It always happened like that. Whenever he happened to like or love someone,invariably they would get snatched away from him by the cruel scheme of destiny. He remembered he had a cute kitten who would play with him day in and day out and one day she was gone forever, never ever to return again. He was very close to his grandmother as well and she too left for her heavenly abode. He had fallen hopelessly in love with this girl, but herreactions hurt him. How could she be so heartless? [sigh] There was nothing he could do. He needed to move on, look for greener pastures. But what is the guarantee that the same story would not get repeated! Oops! No! He was losing his self confidence. Shit yaar! How could he! Forget it! Everything would be normal again. The show must go on!He felt a bit rejuvinated and set out for the college after hurrying through the morning chores. After a long time, he attended all the lectures, answered tough questions posed by the professors, tried to concentrate on studies more than ever before and also found out that Einstein's theory was not as difficult as he had thought before! His bosom friends were pleasantly surprised. After a tiring day, he was ready to go home. And just when he was at the exit, he saw her... Sandhya... He did not feel an urge to speak to her! "Girls are all the same", he thought. But he could not avoid. Sandhya stopped him on his way and said,"Hey Rahul, I am very sorry for whatever happened yesterday. Please do not get her wrong. She is very depressed." Rahul did not utter a word for a moment or two.Finally he said,"So?"Sandhya: "Lets see dear. First tell me, are you serious?"He silently nodded his head in affirmation.Sandi: "umm... ok, let me see what can be done... bye"Sandhya silently walked off. She was still thinking about the incidents last night. Aindrilla had cried and cried. Sandi could finally steady her and asked her,"Tell me what is it! And do not cry! Else I will give you a tight slap! Look at me."Aindrilla had then narrated what she had gone through in her past, how she had loved someone with her everything, how she had been ditched and humiliated, how her love had walked off with another bitch! It was pathetic! She had lost all her trust on men. She had come to realise that whatever men looked for in a woman was not love, she shuddered to think what it was! Her beliefs had only been strengthened by the growing number of incidents of a variety of physical and mental harassment that women faced regularly in their day to day life. She hated men! Yes! She hated men! Sandi let out a silent sigh. The task was extremely tough for her and more so, for Rahul to win her love. What was the way out? She would speak to her today. Yesterday, she had been too traumatised to even utter a single word. Finally she reached her door and found it locked from inside. Aindrilla had not gone to classes. The whole day, she had kept herself locked inside. Sandi knocked on the door. One, two, three, four... After four knocks, the door opened.
Sandi: "Hey hi tamatar! What did you do the whole day?"
Aindrilla: "Nothing jaan... just slept through.."
"Yeah yeah that is evident from your swollen eyes. By the way, it was good that you blurted everything out yesterday. See you must be feeling lighter now."
"Ya.. true Sandi... "
"Hey you know, I met Rahul today! You won't believe, he seemed so sad!"
"hmm..."
"I tell you one thing tamatar, the guy is not bad! Why don't you meet him once and get to know him in person..."
"I have told you everything jaan... Why do you insist? IT WOULD SIMPLY NOT HAPPEN!!! I don't have a heart any more"
"Arre... be friends with him. Speak to him. He is not gonna bite you, is he? So what's the problem?"
"Hmm... I'll think about it. Lets have something to eat now. I feel hungry..."
"Arre thik hai yaar... come to the kitchen... lets make parathas and gobi ke sabji..." :-P
"Yeah... would like that very much jaan..."
They had a nice time out in the evening making parathas and savouring on them later on...

PART 5:

Rahul felt a tad happier. Will Sandi be able to do some trick? Hmm... who knows! She was Aindrilla's best friend and roomie as well. She might be able to convince her. He slept in peace that night. At night he dreamt that he was cycling down a certain highway in the fog. There was a river flowing beside with a sweet sound of flowing water. The birds were chirping merrily. The weather was chilly. And as he was cruising along the highway, a red scarf caught her attention. It was entangled in a branch of a tree. The scarf appeared somewhat known to him. Yes, it was Aindrilla's. But where was she? Oh there she was! As stunning as ever. Standing at a distance. Eyes closed, as if feeling the cold air. Her long hair swaying gently in the breeze. Her hands outstretched, as she tried to feel it with her soul and mind. Rahul was left stranded. Heforgot where he had to go, who he was... rather he wanted to forget everything. He wanted to live in the moment. Just then he felt rain drops on his body. Ooooh! So cold! He needed shelter! But where is she? Did she take shelter somewhere else? And his cycle! Oh God! And then he saw his roomie!"Get up Shahenshah Akbar! I am ready for classes already and it's 9:30 AM."Rahul woke up with a start. Shit. He was dreaming again! He hurried up and was just in time for the classes. On the way, he saw both of them together again. It seemed Aindrilla gave her more than a passing glance. And did she smile? Oh no no! Figment of fertile imagination! He needed to concentrate on studies! Later on, he would speak to Sandhya.

PART 6:

The professors gave their lectures one after the another. Little went inside Rahul's head. The more he tried to forget about the morning's encounter, the more he felt restless. At the recess, he got in touch with Sandi, when Aindrilla was not with her.
Rahul: "Hi Sandi"
Sandhya: "Hi Rahul"
"Any updates?"
" [smile] You are so impatient! Wait dear. I have spoken to her. She has not agreed yet. But, I shall be able to coaxe her into meeting you in person, I assure. But..."
"But? What?"
"But, promise me, if she really falls for you, you would not ditch her. Promise?"
"Yes. I promise."
"Ok... gotta go now. I would let you know of any updates."
"Can I have her cell number?"
"No. She is not ready yet. When, it's time, you would have it. Okay? Bye."
Saying so, she hurried away.Rahul wondered whether there was light at the end of the dark tunnel. Well, it was difficult to guess the temperament of girls. They hardly meant whatever they said. At least that had been his experience till then. Slowly he walked off to his classroom.After the classes were over, Aindrilla and Sandhya went off to their hostel. After relaxing a bit, both of them started chatting about the day's incidents. Finally, Sandi said:"Did you give a thought?"
"A thought... !!! to what?"
"About the guy... Rahul.."
"Why do you insist jaan?"
"Aindrilla, he is very serious about it. At least meet him once. If you happen to not like him, you can always reject. But at least see him once."
"[sigh] Okay. Fix a date."
"Oh great. Tamatar! muaah! Let me talk to Rahul and we'll fix an appointment for you."

PART 7:

Finally the date was fixed. It had to be the cafetaria at the end of the Fancy Market Road. Sunday evening.
Rahul was standing at the entrance of the cafeteria, watching girls with rapt attention, saying to himself, "Will she come? Will she not?" But, no. She was no where to be seen. Sadly, he sat down on a nearby table. The bearer as usual arrived and asked if he required anything. He replied, "No, thanks."
He could not figure the issue. Sandy had called him and spoken clearly about it. It was fixed well in advance. Then? Aindrilla was supposed to come at 5 pm and it was 5:30 pm already. As Rahul grew restless, he decided to call up Sandy and just when Sandy's cell started ringing, he saw her... "Wow", he thought. Clad in a white kurti, she looked like an angel. For a moment or two, Rahul could not speak.
Aindrilla: "Helloooo!!!!" [as if to break his day dream]
Rahul: "Oh.. am so sorry... well, please be seated. So, hopefully you did not have much trouble coming here. Did you?"
"No"
"So, are we friends now?"
"Hmm, yes, why not!"
"Thanks, you know what Aindrilla, I had been waiting for this day since ages. And today you are in front of me."
"Hello! Don't start getting ideas. Ok? The fact that I have come to meet you doesn't necessarily imply that I have fallen for you or something like that! Yes, ok, we are friends. But as of this moment, nothing more than that.."
Rahul smiled and said,"Will you have some water? You spoke non-stop.."
"No. Thanks."
"Will you have something? Coffee or icecream or drinks? I know you would say "no", still...."
Rahul called up the bearer and ordered two chilled coffee and they started chit chatting about this and that. He cautiously cut out the 'romance' part and rather concentrated on general mundane topics that he would occasionally discuss with friends. Finally, Aindrilla had a glance at her watch and declared she needed to leave, since it was already 7:00 pm by then.
Rahul asked,"Ok. Lets move. So, did you like meeting me today?"
"Means?"
"Oh I mean, hopefully you enjoyed hanging out with me today."
"Yes. It was fun." Aindrilla smiled.
"Hey thanks! So will we meet again, soon? Next week? Same time, same place?"
"Ok"
And thus, they continued meeting each other on weekends and chatted for hours. But Rahul had a jinx... a confusion. He was wondering where his one way crush was headed. Since, Aindrilla had already made her intentions clear (about continuing only as friends), he had failed to raise the issue again. He was afraid that their weekend rendezvous would end if he pressed the panic button. Will Sandy be able to help? No. Sandy was no more interested. She made it clear the other day that her task was to get the two of them to meet up. Ater that she would leave the scene. She had done exactly that. *sigh*
But, there was more drama waiting. One fine evening Rahul saw Aindrilla holding hands with a stranger and sharing the same ice cream. He could not bear the site and decided to call up Aindrilla immediately. He made his concern very clear. But she said,"Did I not tell you? We are just friends. Ok? And who are you to keep a watch on me? Its entirely upto me. Whom I would meet or hang out with is none of your business. Is that clear?"
Rahul could not reply back. He just hung up the phone. He felt a choking sensation in his throat. Finally, the one way traffic had come to a "dead end". The crush had been crushed oh so cruelly! He deleted Aindrilla's and Sandy's numbers from his cell. As his family was slotted for a transfer, he decided to change his college. Never ever did he call Aindrilla again. Never ever did they meet again...Today after 10 years, Rahul is well settled in another city. But still... he thinks if it would have been appropriate for them to continue as friends. But then, he had chosen to die rather than live on a life support system........
And what happens can never be reverted back. No regrets. No sadness. Life has moved on. Life has to move on. But hey, what is this drop on his lap? A stray tear ...running down his cheeks?

~~~~~~~THE END~~~~~~~

Suicides Have No Coffin...

A bullet through his head...thats how it all ended...

Puncturing the cranium , Lacerating the meninges and grey matter....finally disintegrating 'her memories' from the core of his hippocampus .... 

His story is simple and uncomplicated...

He loved her... She didn't ....He stalked her ... She humiliated him.... He was crushed ... He found solace in his pistol....

Alone in the dark ... he woke up... feeling cold and wretched... separated from his anatomy... but still married to the memories of her... He thought he had fenced off her memories by putting his heart to rest... but now he is more merged with her memories than ever being amalgamated with his soul... he couldn't free himself of the pain in his heart... he smiled... does he still have one ?? 

He wandered hopelessly on all the streets of his dear little town....crossed states... crossed borders... trying to find his portal to hell...

Time passed....

He ran-out of streets to wander... finally found his way home... he was still muddled with thoughts of her... he knew he must face her... to absolve himself of her thoughts... 

He reached the street , he liked the most... her home in it... where in the park bench , once he always sat , waiting to see her face... waiting for yet another humiliation... during his mortal days...

Gates and doors couldn't stop him now... he reached her room... 

There lay his angel... still strikingly beautiful and pale... naked and safely confined in another man's arms... He never has had such a rush of pain and anger even during his mortal days , even when she rejected him , even when she humiliated him... as if the inner core of his soul was burning... He couldn't take it anymore...

He gave a deafening cry... and with his cold , stabbing hand... pierced her pale torso and squeezed the heart which he once loved so dearly... 

PS - Hope its good ... :-)

Ciao,

Arun Kumar - My life - As I know it

Tear ..

Lost in the dark world

I wait for you to come

To rescue me, and walk me home

But, you never came

My smile turned into a tear

Faith faded into air

Anguish of soul burning me inside

Dark shadows, by my side

A Cold and Lonesome night

My loneliness, i alone fight

Even in my dreams, you said goodbye

I wake up with tears in my eyes

Cause for my tear is you

I would have given some to you

If i could Turn it into a Pearl

To remind you, i was once your girl .

Red Rose..

Kneeling down on your knees,

You whispered "I Love You".

You walked away swiftly,

leaving me far behind.

I called you,

But you did not turn back.

I Saw your tear drop ,

On a red rose lying on the stone.

I would have replied "I Love You Too",

Only If I was Alive .

Cupid's Lunatics..

Mortals have only one love story...

For love has only one story...

Our story...

I met her...I loved her...

Madly in love...Deliriously in love...

Cupid chose us lunatics to stage his play...

Kisses , caresses , desire , intimacy , passion ....

We owned it all...

Her tender frame , drawn-out moonless hair , feverish love...

My own personal brand of heroin...

We were wrapped up in our own little love bubble...

No longer I cared , whether it was day or night...

No longer I dreamed , No longer we existed...

We breathed in our unique private paradise...

And then she died...

How..?? I don't know...

Lying in my arms...

Smiling her way to heaven...

I'm searching for the path to my guillotine....

P.S -  Good..??   Loved a line from Twilight...Couldn't match it..so stole it...Poetic license... :-) Pls don't mind...

Love blind...

"We aren't meant to be...never..." she said...devastating him...

Days passed....

He rang her  "come to my place...once...for oldtimes sake..."

She came...

"Come in..."

silence overwhelmed them ....

"What do you want..??" she asked...

"I just want you to be present"

He slit his throat...

She died for the rest of her life...

P.S- My first attempt at 55 fiction...hope it came out good...

        @Rose- sorry...i liked the theme very much couldn't resist writing about it.

        Ciao...

Not just another pretty girl...

She left the place where we were gathered...

"Look who's got a crush on his best friend's girl friend...." one of my friends teased....

"what..?? i don't"  I  lied...

"You couldn't take your eyes off her...and you were laughing your ass off for her stupid jokes..."

"Its just that she's damn attractive....and her jokes were good.."

"dude ...you were laughing when she said 'It is a great evening...'that my friend is the blindness of L-O-V-E..."

My friends couldn't stop mocking....I didn't stop lying...

Days passed....Me and my friends went for that food fest....It was grand...

She was there....with her friends...looking stunning and pale...with a cute smile all over her face...I couldn't stop seeing her...

I tried to distract myself...I tried to ignore her...But just her presence in the same room i was in  disturbed my perceptions...

I went for the drinks section...A friend of mine asked me to pick up a drink for him too...I didn't even look in the direction she was in...I picked two glasses of some weird looking red drink...I didn't mind....I wanted to get out of that section...

Don't know why i did that...but i gave a quick glance at her...she was waving her hand and smiling...I pretended not to notice her and started rushing towards my friends....

It was then my inner self started confusing me...

"Dude...You are the rudest son of the bitch on the planet"

"I wasn't being rude...I just pretended like not seeing her"

"Ha ha...Like she doesn't know your eyes were all over her.."

"Just shut up...I don't even know whether she was waving towards me.."

"Man..he is your best friend...and he loves her very much...you cant go on pretending...atleast try behave normal around her"

This got me in a disarray....Shit he is my best pal....I mustn't let this go on...

"OK..you win...I'll go there n say a quick Hi...n leave.."

My eyes searched for her....She was getting near the exit...kinda looking sad...

"Am i just imagining things..??"

"May be , May be not...only one way to be sure..just a Hi wont hurt you." my inner self

I hurried through the crowd towards the exit...pushing,shoving myself...I got near her...I think i heard some guy calling out my name...I didn't turn...I was gonna turn up in front of her...Just then a man with a sharp moustache bumped into me...oops and shit...I forgot all about the drinks in my hand....It splashed all over me...that weird looking red drink...over my white shirt...kinda smelt funny too...

She looked back....n started smiling...

"You are Arun right...??"

"Yeah...one of his friends..."

"You okay now...??"

"Yeah..Hmm...kinda...leaving already??"

"Yeah..Gotta go with friends...Bye.."

"Bye"....

I could hear her giggling...

"Shit i must never have listened to you"

"Atleast now we know that she didn't wave towards you..." my inner self...

"Get lost.."

I went near the place where my friends were standing....

Suddenly they burst into a fit of laughter.....

"And You said you didn't have a crush on her..."

and the mockery started....

तेरे लिए...

अगर तू मुझको पढ़ रही है, तो मुझसे ज्यादा खुश और कोई नहीं... ये महफिल तेरी सजाई हुई है... ये रौशनी तेरी की हुई है, ये आलम तेरा किया हुआ है... तू कहती है मैं भूल जून - तू कहती है मैं पास न आयुं... लेकिन मैं जून भी तो कहाँ जाऊँ? हर गली तेरी घर से होके गुज़रती है... हर रास्ता तेरे रस्ते से जुर जाती है... दिल कहता है के मैं तुझे भरी महफिल में रुसवा कर जाऊँ, और तू कहती है के मैं चुप ही रहूँ... बेबसी, नाकामी और तेरी याद मुझे सोने नहीं देती... मैं भटकता रहता हूँ उन्ही गलियों में, जहाँ से कभी तू गुज़रा करती थी...

तेरे बिन ना जीना है ना मरना,
बिन तेरे ना है एक पग भी चलना

तेरे बिना सुना है आलम सारा,
बीते दिन ना आएंगे लौट के दोबारा

वो बीते दिन क्यों याद आये,
पल पल मुझको तेरी ही याद सताये

शयेद कभी तुझे भी हम याद आयें
तेरे बिन सुनी है मेरी दिलकी वो राहें

Death

She glanced at her watch. It was half-past-six. “Late, again…” she sighed to herself. She had gotten used to this. She waited at the railway station, as trains passed by every few minutes, the boy at the stall cleaned the counter with a rag, half-a-dozen people answered their cell-phones, scores of people passed her by, a couple of guys who looked like rogues checked her out from top to bottom… all this, while she waited for him. “Half an hour is just too much,” she complained to herself, “he’s had it today!”

“Hi jaanu…” he panted.
“Humpphhh,” she looked away.
“Kya hua, late hoon isliye? Kaha na tumse, main der nahi karta, der ho jaati hai!” he teased, “aur waise bhi, intezaar ke baad hi to pyar ka asli maza aata hai!”

“Yeah, right,” she mocked. He always sweet-talked her into forgetting all the anger and sneaked his way out of the mess.
“Kaisi lag rahi hoon main,” she asked. She’d worn a saree and looked every inch the prototypical young blushing Indian girl.
“Yeh saree kyon aaj, koi tyohar hai kya?” he inquired.
“Haan, tyohar hi samjho. Hamari anniversary ka…” she blushed.

He had conveniently forgotten it… even this time! By now, she’d learnt to take such things in her stride. He was never the one who’d make an effort to remember such occasions. “So what if he doesn’t remember… doesn’t mean he loves me any less!” she’d say in an attempt to console herself.

“Bahut pyaari lag rahi ho…” he said lovingly, looking at her as she blushed.
“Last week hi khareedi. Your favorite color… suits me na? Tum mujhe mummy se milwaane le jaaoge na, tab yahi saree pehnoongi,” she said excitedly, “Ab chalen? All the waiting for you has left me famished!” she laughed.

After grabbing a quick bite, they arrived at their favorite hangout—Joggers’ Park. It was a beautiful little garden by the sea, and this was where they’d first met. Every time they had a reason to celebrate, they’d come here. It was an unspoken, unwritten, but mutually agreed upon fact about their relationship. They walked hand-in-hand up to their favorite bench in the corner from where they could hear the waves, feel the breeze, and enjoy each other’s company.

They sat next to each other on the bench. She sighed and rested her head on his shoulder, while he placed his arm on her shoulder, encircled around her.
“Jaan,” she said.
“Haan, bolo..” he replied.
“I love you…” she whispered into his ear, as her lips lightly touched his cheek, his slight stubble brushing against her lips.
“Hmmm…” he said, and looked away into nowhere. She was surprised. He’d never reacted this way.
“Jaan, kya baat ho gayi?” she asked, nervous, tensed up.

He winced. “Kuch nahi,” he said without meaning it.
“Batao mujhe… mera jee ghabra raha hai…” she urged. Their relationship had not exactly been smooth sailing. Parental pressure and opposition to their marriage was bound to be there. But not so soon… she wasn’t ready for this. She cringed.
“Kaho naa…” she urged him again.

“Jaanu…kal meri engagement hai,” he said ominously.

She could not believe what had just been said!

Suddenly, she remembered something. She smiled.
“Haan…” she said, “Mujhse!!! Hai na?” she burst out laughing. “Last time aise hi dara diya thha mujhe tumne! Phir se thhode hi tumhaari baton mein aa jaaoongi?” she mocked.

His expression had not changed. Her heart skipped a beat, still unsure whether he was really joking. “Of course, he’s joking,” she calmed herself, “he is a good actor… always fools me! Lekin aaj main bhi dekhti hoon…” she geared herself up.

“Jaanu, kal seriously meri engagement hai…” he repeated.

“Really…” she teased, “mujhe invite karne aaye ho? Main kal busy hoon. Thhoda postpone kar lo na. I am sure ladki mind nahi karegi…” she went on.

His face was grim. Her instinct told her that this was not good news. Was it he… or her fate… that was playing games with her? Now she was genuinely worried.
“Jaan, sachchi hai?” she asked uncomfortably, hoping he would answer in the negative.

“Haan. Kal meri engagement hai…” he said morosely, “ladki hamare hi mazhab se hai. Mummy aur daddy ne pasand ki hai. Baat picchle hafte hi tay ho gayi thhi. Par tumhe batane ki himmat hi nahi juta paa raha thha…” he added apologetically, “I am sorry jaanu, par yahi sach hai.”

She was numbed. The world around her—the waves, the breeze, the birds—had suddenly come to a standstill. A part of her reconfirmed what she had just heard, while another part disagreed. Something within her churned. Suddenly, she could not see his face. Instead, her mind conjured up some random images that played on, in front of her eyes…

Walking on the pavement by the sea, hand-in hand, gazing into each other’s eyes, under one umbrella, in heavy rain…

Holding his hand tightly while watching a horror film in the cinema hall…

Enjoying a carefree ride on his new bike, hugging him tight, feeling the wind blowing through her hair…

Holding on to him inside the crowded compartment of a local train, his arms around her, protecting her from the crowd…

Calling him up in the middle of the night while he was on a night shift, and whispering sweet nothings to each other…

Him escorting her to the examination hall for her entrance exam and handing her his lucky pen…

Posing with him for a photograph on their wedding, when they’d get married…

Making his favorite fried fish to cheer him up when he’d come back home from work, all tired, despite being a vegetarian herself…

Lovingly scolding him for pampering their baby daughter too much…

Tears flowed from her eyes without her even realizing this was happening. Her memories, her dreams had been shattered that very instant. His message, although loud and clear, had not even started to sink in. How could fate have been so cruel to her? She desperately hoped this was a bad dream and her mum would walk in and wake her up the next moment. Alas! That was not to be…she was living all this…

“Par… …hu… h… hum??” she asked. Words failed her.
“I’m sorry,” he managed a meek reply. His voice was choked. Clearly, this wasn’t easy for him too.
“Hum?” she repeated, in a futile effort to make him change his mind.
“Jaanu… ho sake toh mujhe maaf kar do. Mujhe apni family ko choose karna pada. Main jaanta hoon main tumhare saath na-insaafi kar raha hoon… par main tumhaare liye apni family ko nahi chhod sakta. Chahe mujhe kamzor ya kuch aur keh lo… par ab kuch nahi ho sakta…” he uttered, his words interspersed with muffled sobs.

He proceeded to hold her hand. She withdrew. Bravely, she wiped her tears and then looked up at the face of the man she’d wanted to trust her life with… unfortunately, in place of him, she saw a complete stranger.
“Chalo yahan se,” she said in a stern voice, surprising herself with her courage, “der ho rahi hai. Ghar jaana hai.”
They hired a cab and sat next to each other. But neither looked at the other nor spoke a word. Deathly silence prevailed. She gave him half the fare, and he understood. He quietly took the money.

For some reason, the crowd at the station was rather thin, comprising hardly a dozen people instead of the usual scores.
“Chalta hoon,” he said without daring to look into her eyes. He turned, and walked away… and disappeared into oblivion.

The gush of tears started, blinding her vision, but that hardly mattered… there was no one to see, no one to look forward to… the few people around her wondered what had happened… but only she knew why she was crying…

At last, she let out a much-suppressed wail…

Someone had just died...

The woman… within her…

PS: Probably sounds like it's all made up, but believe me when I say it's true. It's more of a minute-by-minute account of what happened. Apologies again for having written such a sad story. Guess I have this thing with sad endings, eh? I had originally thought of naming the characters Golu and Bhondu. But Golu and Bhondu seem to be a very happy couple... so decided against it (I can see the relieved look on Sandeep's face!)...
This post also marks the beginning of a hibernation of sorts for me. I'll be back in full swing on the 28th of March (that's after my exams!). Wish me luck people... :)

Over a cuppa coffee

Pre-script: All names mentioned are fictitious. Any resemblance to anyone living or dead is purely co-incidental.

“Here’s a steaming cuppa Neha’s special espresso sir…” I announced as I entered Sandy’s cabin. It was 4’o clock, time for our coffee break at work. We used to sit in adjacent cabins. Dark, unsweetened espresso coffee, the stock markets, and writing were a few of the threads that bound us.

“And who’s that chick?” I exclaimed, on seeing a sweet girl’s photograph rather than the usual Raghu (of Roadies fame) on his desktop.

“That’s Bhondu…” he said without taking his eyes off the computer, “my Bhondu…”

“What… Bhondu?!?!?!” the weirdness of the name struck me.

“Yeah, Bhondu… Kajal… my girl…” Sandeep blushed.

“Oooooooohhhhhh…. Bhondu… and what does she call you? Dhondu ?!?!?!?” I retorted.

“Naah… I’m Golu…” he replied, amused.

“Sandy’s so much better…” I said.

“Yeah, but try telling that to my mother… she’s the one who nicknamed me Golu…” he defended.

“Come to think of it, Golu is better than Bhonduuuuuu…” I burst out laughing.

“Yeah right, that was my reaction too when I first heard it, but try telling that to her mother…” he replied.

“Thank God my mother never gave me a weird nickname! But dude, how come you never mentioned her in 8 months?” I asked. “Tell me about her… now,” I demanded.

“I can vividly recall our first meeting… we met in the train. Mum and I were on our way back from a wedding in Trichur… and she was also with her mum. Her mum called her Bhondu… and I couldn’t hold my laughter… but then, soon, it was my turn to be laughed at… my mum entered and addressed me as Goluuuuu… you should have seen her giggle at that… that smile… oh… that very moment, I was floored! Then we talked throughout the journey; I came to know that she stayed pretty close by… and before we knew it, we’d fallen in love…” Sandy got nostalgic.

“Aww… that’s so sweet… and then?” now, I was getting interested.

“We were both in college, albeit different ones. Phone calls, dates, movies… it was beautiful… She was very easy to win over... very specifically, pink roses, Cadbury’s dairy milk chocolates, teddies, and small trinkets… Our regular hangout was this shack on the beach, mainly because that was the only thing I could afford! She loved the chaat there… she used to tell the vendor to make it extra tangy and then, while eating, she’d lick the chutney off her fingers…” he reminisced, as I let out an Eeeewwwwww!

“And then,” I asked.

“Time flew by, and we graduated. I decided to do a post-grad degree from the US. She was happy but clearly upset. I remember her call as I was about to board my flight. She was afraid that in one year, I’d forget her and fall for some blonde chick in the US,” he chuckled, “Crazy girl! Then I pacified her… one year? I wouldn’t trade her for anyone in one lifetime!!!” he said.

“Wow… you are one crazy romantic at heart dude!” I exclaimed, “And then you came back... and???” I asked.

“A few months after I was back, she called me to say she was going to the US for a year. Now, it was my turn to feel insecure. I realized how she must’ve felt when I was going away. It would be killing… but then, she pacified me.”

“Hehehehe… tasted your own medicine huh?” I teased, “You guys never fought and made up? Seems like you were always agreeing to what she said, you romantic fool…”

“No, not at all. We fought like crazy. In fact, just this weekend, we had a huge fight over how she’d not called me or spoken to me online in weeks. She said, she’d been busy… as if I don’t know how it is like, in the US. I didn’t budge… and I banged the phone as well…”

“So, how many years with her?” I was getting excited about it.

“Seven years…” he sighed.

“Wow… seven years… that’s huge!” I remarked. “So, when are you inviting me for you wedding?” I teased him.

“Wedding, eh? There’s a slight problem…” he said, his voice ominously low.

“Arey yaar, no religion problem there… caste-waste aajkal kaun dekhta hai… and jab miya biwi raazi, toh kya karenge paaji? Chat mangni te pat byaah ho jaaye… I think it’s high time you guys got married… you are totally made for each other… and mad for each other!!!” I was on fire.

“I can’t marry her,” he said, “because she’s no more,” he said, looking at me, smiling, tears welling up in his eyes.

I could not believe my ears! “BBuutttt, how… where…” I stammered.

“I hung up on her this weekend… little did I know that it would be our last conversation… the next day, I got a call from her parents informing me that she’d succumbed to cancer of the pancreas, a disease that she’d been diagnosed with when I was in the US. She’d never told me about it, lest it worry me and distract me from my studies. In fact, she was in the US for treatment. And I shouted at her for not calling me and speaking to me… Worse still, I didn’t even apologize… and before I knew it, she’d left me… forever…” Sandy was wailing now.

On impulse, I hugged Sandy. Oh, the pain… a lump formed in my throat. I didn’t realize when tears started to flow from my eyes… I didn’t know what to say, what to do.

“How could you be so unfair God?” I silently asked, my eyes staring at the ceiling.

“Life is like that Nehu… unjust, unfair, but we’ve gotta live it… and move on,” Sandy replied, as though he’d heard my question.

“You know Nehu…” Sandy sobbed, “she may be gone, but her presence lingers. My Bhondu will always be here… in her Golu’s heart… and if you ever love someone, don’t wait for the next day or next moment to say it or apologize… coz you’ll never know when life takes him or her away…”

“A lesson learnt, but at what cost… a lifetime of pain?” I thought, as we hugged each other, crying, sharing the sorrow. Life, at times, was indeed unfair… and we, mere mortals, helpless.

My journey back home that evening was slightly different. I would usually switch off my mobile phone and go off to sleep on my way in the train. That day, the first thing I did on my journey back home was to call up my family members and my boyfriend and say three simple words: I love you.

PS: Apologies for the sad ending. Had to retain the names of the characters because it's a series. Apolgies for that as well. It's pretty much a true story... happened to one of my friends. This is dedicated to him. So all of you out there, say the three magical words to your loved ones as many times as possible. Doesn't cost anything! :)

My prayers for peace

One day we met,
and later we parted..

We met,cause we loved
and parted since love died..

You wanted to be with me
but i knew it won't work out..

you cried,and pleaded to me
i cried 'cause i felt so much guilty..

you tried lots to get me back
I thought it was courage i lacked..

then hell happened,you called me names
said that i played perfect love games...

I was hurt of course,so much by words
for long i could not think of a happy world..

But thanks dear,for showing real you
no longer i regret my being single and free..

after weeks of agony,i finally smiled silently
I finally got the rewards for "praying for peace".