She lives...I die

The despairing truth about being lonely is that it makes you recount the worst portions of your life. Away from the discordant noises of life on a whole, one gets sucked into recalling and reliving those moments...I am feeling very lonely now, so you can very well guess what I am reliving...

She was an angel...an innocent and pure soul untouched by the darkness and malaise of life, the very epitome of goodness, the monument of love itself. I did not help fall in love with her but surprisingly (and wrongly) she could not help but fall in love with me. What she saw in me, I will never know.....What she gave me I can never express. She changed life...happiness no more felt an alien being, love was no longer some abstract shit. The days were resplendent with the existence of her feelings...the nights with the soothness of her being. An angel who nurtured my soul and laid waste her dreams to wish me bliss.....yes, she had dreams in her eyes, dreams which she cared for, dreams which she lived for...Dreams which I shattered.

Did I tell you she was an angel...I suppose I did.
What I didn't tell you is that I was the Devil Incarnate himself.

She gave up her dreams to bring life to mine...I used my life to mutilate her dreams. The warmness of her eyes I mistook for the gleam of ambition...the blush of her cheeks I assumed were the red of fakeness...the love I thought to be the mirage of her cold heart.
And so I hurt her...I humiliated her being and broke her confidence...insulted her love, termed her feelings a charade. I battered her trust in goodness and sucked out the emotions from her soul. I killed her dreams and left her crippled.

I was wrong...I was mistaken...I was a fool...I was so much more...Every shred of the fabric of happiness that we could have had was in tatters...there was nothing left to pick up...the pieces were not broken...they were rendered to dust...they slipped out of my hands...it was too late to mend "US"...there remained no such thing.....but a guilty soul needs some repentance...I needed penance...which could only be had by weaving back those dreams for her...every step that she would take towards her dreams would be one moment of penance for me...and there was only one way.

I went back to her life...not to ask for forgiveness for it was beyond me to ask, not to love her back for I had left nothing in her, not to hold her hand and lead her to her dreams for she would shun my very breath...but I went back to hurt her more, to mock her dreams further, to kill her strength better.

I placed as many obstacles in her path as I could, not because I wanted her to stumble and fall into the abyss of failure but because I knew that she would be spurred on further to cross those obstacles...I hated her because my hate made her stronger...I belittled her because it gave her confidence...I doubted her efforts as it made her endeavor more...I demeaned her achievements because it galvanized her to achieve more...I blemished her aspirations because it made her aspire for more, dream a new dream, live a new life...as she does now...SHE LIVES BECAUSE SHE HATES ME.

This is how I now live my life or whatever is left of it...because for every obstacle that I place in her path, for every time that insult her on her face, for every time that I disparage her, for every time that I denigrate her achievements, for every time that I scorn at her efforts and for every time that I derogate her being...I kill a part of me.....part by part, day by day, piece by piece...I mutilate my being...Shred by shred, fragment by fragment, scrap by scrap I murder my soul.

And yet in this destruction of self, I find bliss...in this mutilation I find solace...in this killing I find atonement...in this death I find life for I DIE BECAUSE I LOVE HER.

Endless Pursuit

Rocky roads, harsh terrains beckon me
Gladly I accept them as destiny
Dark clouds, endless horizon looms ahead
For turning back though I was not made
No shimmering moon to light my way
No bright sun to guide my day
Thunder and winds, rain and storm
Crash against me, as is their norm
No soul to keep me company
Loneliness...my only retreat
Will I find solace in the end
Is there happiness at the bend

Hope, though is long dead
Endless is this path, which I tread

I also rant @ Sepulchre Of High Hopes

Turning The Corner...

He knew it. He finally knew it. Actually, he knew it since some time but was only now able to accept it. He was in love. Head over heels type. Always the one to scoff @ the "madly-in-love" breed of society, his heart had now throttled him straight into their domain. At a breakneck speed too, mind you! 38 days (yes, he had counted) back was when his heart had fluttered for the 1st time on seeing her. Well, actually he needed to thank Deep for his "she's damn beautiful" comment @ the lounge back then which fired up his senses to the extreme level (yes, a thank you card was in the offing for Deep).

And ever since that night @ the lounge he was a confused wreck. He started noticing her as he had never done before. Her small mannerisms became the staple of his consciousness. That twirling of a curl of her hair was something which now besotted him. Those freckles on her nose suddenly seemed so alluring. Her endless chatter seemed a lilting rhapsody to his ever willing ear drums. He now found her eyelashes beautiful, her pout started seeming sexy to him and her jaw bone became a piece of art. Her touch sent shivers down his spine; her laughter seemed a cacophony of jingling bells and wind chimes. That rolling of the eyes, those slight nudges to his shoulder, the waves of her hair, that curve of her lips, he noticed everything now. Yes, he was truly besotted by her...and madly in love.

He had to tell her. He could not and would not wait any longer. He wanted to share his feelings, wanted to make her his confidante in this exuberant joy of his, wanted to acknowledge his coming to senses and more than anything wanted desperately to hold her in his arms. He had wasted too much time shrouding his feelings behind the dogmas of realism and pragmatism. Best friends they had been for so long, it was time to effuse a new relationship. It was time to lift the veil, and lift it he would. It was time to pour out his feelings and desires, and pour out he would. There would finally be no more pretensions, only the truth.

It was 9 in the evening and knowing her routine as well as he did, he knew her to be @ her home. Hurriedly, he moved out of his house not wanting to waste even a single moment now. His happiness was just round the corner and he did not want to be in this lane of solitude any more. He wanted to encounter the bend and turn into the new lane of happiness.

Bouquet and champagne in hand, he rung her bell and waited for destiny to embrace him. He pictured her face turning a shocked expression as he knelt down before her, the shock turning to unbridled joy and happiness as he rolled out his pronouncement and finally the moment of bliss that he had awaited. He was shaken out of his reverie with the door opening only to flutter off into another trance @ her glance.

"My God Nik!!! I was just about to call you. How come you are here?", she rattled off in one breath. His reply died down in his throat when she shrieked unknowingly on viewing the bouquet and champagne..."Oh my, how did you know? Did Deep tell you beforehand? Damn it and here i was thinking of breaking the news to you myself." His enhancing confusion started to graduate to despair @ full throttle when Deep came into view behind her. "Hi Nik, budz u r ryt on time for the celebration...v just became a pair." An icy feeling gripped his senses, a nausea rose from the depths of his despair. Someone had just gone and yanked out feeling from within him as he became numb, uncomfortably numb. As she ushered him inside she repeated herself "But how did you know then?" He chanced a look towards her and their eyes met. In that instant he saw her, a picture of unbridled joy and happiness, basking in her moment of bliss which he had so wanted to be the forbearer of and he just shrugged "I just, knew!!!"

She had turned her corner but the path did not lead to him. His bend was not into another lane; rather he had just retraced his steps back to solitude. His path had been a full circle.

P.S. From the archives of "Sepulchre of High Hopes"