All this while we were together, it felt like I have known you forever. Every expression of your face, every little spark in your eye and every body movement of yours seemed so familiar and predictable. The smile you put on your face when you used to see me after a long time, the smile you’d have when I was passing by closely and you blocked my way and teased me, the smile you would give when you screw up your exam and the smile when your mom would be on the phone with you. It was all within the realm of my familiarity. I felt safe and secure then.
Yet, when I see you now, everything about you is just not the same. The smile that I see now, when you see me after a long time is mixed with some unwillingness and perhaps, disappointment. The smile you have when I pass by closely now seems to smirk and ask me, “How are you ever going to move on from me?”. Now, it is everything but what I had known about you for the longest time. This scares me because it is hard for me to understand how quickly we are estranged to such familiarity. I am scared of the unknown and the unfamiliar.
I walk past you not because I don’t like to stand and stare at you or hug you or smell you or feel your hair or ask you how your day was, but because It might feel like it’s not you . I never call you and just wait for your call not because I don’t like to hear your voice or you are boring, but because I don’t want to look desperate attempting to interrogate the familiarity out of you, reminding you of the old times, which I am sure I would try. I don’t wanna be back with you ever again not because I don’t miss you or I like being alone but becauseI am not even sure if I wanna get back to the unfamiliar you. I don’t say I love you to you because it hurts me to see how strange you seem even after I say I love you to you.