I fear ....

F.E.A.R ... you know this word itself should be feared.its all in the mind.. that's how it can cripple even the strongest of hearts and bravest of souls. Gladly i am none of the mentioned species ... so i can fear a lot of things, i can cry for a lot of reasons, and i can be mad for a lot of reasons...

I fear myself... yes, i am my biggest enemy.. I fear my failures. They make me lose faith in everything ! I fear success. It takes me way from so many things. I fear my enemies. They give me spooky dreams most days. I fear my friends. They make me possessive and insecure. I fear darkness. I heard all dark times are sucker for your joys. I fear day. It exposes secrets to the world. I fear hatred. It kills you. I fear being in love. It kills your heart and soul before leaving. I fear life. Its cruel to you. I fear death. Its cruel to ones who love you.

I read somewhere "Better dear than fearful" !! What a noble thought... That's when i decided to die.



So here i am,on the terrace of my apartment. An empty wine bottle rolls along the length of the roof,resting along the wall. Wall ... oh I always wanted to walk on this wall but you never let me .. Today i will not stop... Its my last day after all...

The city is a blaze even in the darkest of night. But its peaceful here. No horns, no human chatter.. just me on the wall.. spreading my hands to fly ! A tear rolls down my cheek, i whisper to the winds, "I miss you". and i turn to walk on the wall. I lose my senses with each step, but i don't fall. I know you are holding me . I can feel your hands in mine, like old times. And as i come down, i feel your eyes bore into my heart. I cry standing there, I beg you to let me die. Am so miserable without you ... no one to trust, no one to love, no one to protect, coz you are so high above !

Its then i feel so warm, i can not hold anymore ... I pick up the cold knife .. My last resort, my last wish... i cut myself on both wrists. I lie gazing at the stars, singing your favorite lullaby loudly. Then all went dark for a minute.. followed by blinding light. I step into your arms.. wonder if i knew you were waiting for me all time. I kiss your lips passionately as you hug me so fondly.

Minutes later we part, not by choice but by some unknown force. I return to my bleeding body, surrounded by my family. I hear the ambulance in few minutes. Oh! they will save me again.

I hear my mom crying "Why does she want to die ? Its the third time in a month!!"

I smile coz only i know this feeling. Its the only way i feel you near me. Its the only way I think i have control on my life. Its something i will do again .. very soon.....