In a chilling evening of Jan
Somewhere in Japan
The sky was red with a hint of cyan
She called out to the blind man
She offered him her flan
She said, “I’m your fan.”
He turned to her span
And stretched his hand.
Tears in her eyes – out they ran
As she looked at the man -
One of her own clan
She could very well scan.
Zoom passed a yellow van
It ruffled the old man.
He fell down and screamed again
As the time when he ran
Away from her, as far as he can.
Her hands trickled the bran
As he fell on the lawn
She whispered aloud, “Tan!”
... thinking of a meeting, sometime, somewhere in the future ... would love to do that, but then, if I can't even see you??
wow, dis was a beautiful one, Tan! A monorhyme dat aptly brought out ur inner emotions!
ReplyDeleteI should say of all the monorhymes uptil now dis one's da best! Touching!
Luvd it! :)
Hey tan nice write man ;) , a story in a monorhyme format and that too abt tan ;)
ReplyDeletethe 'she' in fifth and sixth lines, are not necessary as they are not adding to rhyming because it loses the continuation from the fourth line. what u say tan
"She called out to the blind man
Offering him her flan
Saying that,"I'm your fan."
nice one .. though the rythm was bit amiss at places.. rhyming was perfect !!
ReplyDeleteTan where did u find so many words that are identical in rhyme ?? :)
ReplyDeleteGood one :)
Oooh Writes here are reminding me of songs..This one reminded me of this
ReplyDeleteShe calls out to the man on the street
sir, can you help me?
Its cold and Ive nowhere to sleep,
Is there somewhere you can tell me?
He walks on, doesnt look back
He pretends he cant hear her
Starts to whistle as he crosses the street
Seems embarrassed to be there
Oh think twice, its another day for
You and me in paradise
Oh think twice, its just another day for you,
You and me in paradise
She calls out to the man on the street
He can see shes been crying
Shes got blisters on the soles of her feet
Cant walk but shes trying
Though the genders are switched! And old man--Tan? Not good! Not true! :x
Yeah, the rhyme is a amiss here : man, van, bran, again?? lawn?? Doesnt fit na?
@ Maverick
ReplyDeleteYou said its the best till now?? Read the comments below yours, and you might want to change that statement ... lol!!
Thanks for liking this man ... it was my first - so a few mistakes here and there ... and talking about the emotions, well I never dream that to happen - trust me. I DONT WANT IT!!
@ Kings
ReplyDeleteYou know mate, your comment is something nostalgic! I always used to write tales in poems - normally. And I find myself doing that best. Well, writing on a thought is something I'm experimenting these days and just wanted to write a monorhyme and check how I can ... this was an attempt ... I'm happy that you liked ...
@ Pratibha
ReplyDeleteJust tried to write something ... something to rhyme ... will do better next time. Promise, Teacher!
@ Nan
ReplyDeleteI was actually searching for words yesterday while writing that ... I was not able to get hold of the right ones and those I had, did not make enough sense ... There were a lot of mistakes, I see ... will do better!
@ Rashi
ReplyDeleteExactly the song I was looking for yesterday ... I was thinking abt it, but never got hold of it.
Man, Van, Bran and again do rhyme, but lawn does not! True ... you said rhyme is a amiss here and Pratibha said rhythm is a amiss ... I think I did a real amiss here ... :( Will not write anything again just for the sake of writing!! Will do better ... promise, promise!
And mates, thanks for reading it and pointing out the mistakes ... You help me so much in getting it all right ... I can see the expectations in your eyes here, and I'll do my best to follow suit!
Another mesmerising one,Tan.!!
ReplyDeleteIncredibly different and thought provoking.
@tan
ReplyDeletewow, keep writing them tan and experimenting too ;)
awweeee :(
ReplyDelete