December 27, 2008

Those evanescent days!!

Winter is here and I have a tendency of listening to Evanescence in winters. Its their music which fits completely in the chilly winds, foggy dawns and cold fists. When you wake up early morning in North India, you crib getting out of your bed. Why?? Its getting cold and colder each day. You can go to school without a scold from your parents only if you haven't slept for the whole night. What happens when you're at your depressed best and you don't know what you're feeling like?? I was sitting on the rear seat and on my way back home at a strange 5:30 AM. The night before the dawn was very weird.

Indeed it was. I had been sitting in the ICU ward for so many hours observing the glucose drip from the needle to the bottle. I had been weeping endlessly. Its that fear of losing the one who gave you birth. But the doctor told me to go back as I needed rest more than the patient. I called the driver. I didn't want to drive in that mental traumatic condition and put my car in a fatal situation. The fifteen minute drive was full of mixed emotions. The driver tried to talk about me but I was in my own world, praying constantly. I reached my house..not my home...unlocked the gate...unlocked the doors and went inside. I had to take a hot shower to take all the dirt of depression off my shoulders. It was a few minutes past 6 already and as I went down to the kitchen to get some black coffee (coz I didn't want to sleep) I opened all the windows. The sunrise has always fascinated me and I felt the sun rise while I was in the kitchen. Coffee was ready, so was the wind. It came pretty quickly as if announcing sun's arrival. It was still dark though, but the darkness was getting slaughtered. Darkness had always been my personal favorite but I don't know why, that dawn, I enjoyed it being killed. I went back upstairs...put my iPod on the dock and played the *Evanescence* playlist. I went to the balcony to see the sunrise..rather feel the sunlight percolate down me. Sitting on the wall, sipping my coffee, listening to *..How can you see into my eyes like open doors...*, made me feel so much more calm and stable. The whole atmosphere seemed to have enjoying the words and ironically, I enjoyed too. See, I told you that Evanescence is music for winters. Light started peeping from the windows, birds started chirruping, and there I saw a huge orange ball, all set to spread its wings. Sun rose and so did my hopes. New hopes conquered me. My spirits were flying. I smiled for the first time in two weeks and I really smiled from the heart. I was lifted up. Songs were changing and in the middle of all that peace, the phone rang. I picked it up. It was the doctor: "She's fine. You can come and see her. She's gained her senses." Those three sentences seemed like God's own words to me. I thanked Him a dozen times and all those who prayed along with me. Before leaving, I listened to the same song once again.

I saw her but she was still sleeping. Doctor told me that she had gained consciousness for a few minutes but then reverted back to being numb. But he assured me that she'd be all right by evening. Those four days of my life were like putting me on the nail bed. They were like I was being pushed from the eleventh floor and asked each time, "Are you okay?" All this while, it was just me and my solitude trying to reach for the end. The ones who had once promised to be there with me were seen running away faster than light.

Those four days were like darts on my chest, and my hands were tied. But that one sunrise brought a ray of hopes. After all, there's a morning after each night. And this time I hated nights. Spending sleepless nights has become a routine. And whenever I sleep, I cry myself to it. But I'm stronger now. Much more strong than I thought I would ever be!!


  1. I dnt know if it is real .. if its, hope your home is fine now. but after that, the write was well written. The sunrise bringing hope was so touching !! i read and read it again to let that hope flow through me :)

  2. U like darkness, U like Evanescence, U are sad.. This all sounds bad.. and I think its real.. I'll pray for ur mom.. She'll be alright k.. And do Love sunrise, listen Refreshing songs.. I think listening too much sad melodies will destroy our soul.. Hey its only my view ok.. I too like Evanescence.. but not that much now.. Don't worry k.. ya be strong :)


  3. This post spoke volumes especially to some1 who has lost their mom I know it is to feel that you are losing grip of what is happening to you..

    That song is the most amazing song of theirs. I know people say My immortal but for me, Bring me to Life and Fields of innocence have no match... :D SO cheers on that

    Darkness and it being defeated.... hmm... Darkness is good because it hides you, protects you in a way from reality but sometimes just coming to terms with reality in itself can be so liberating, that it when it actually is dawn...

    People say be strong but I dont want to be strong. I want someone to protect me... Being strong just reminds me that Im alone I need to fend for myself. I dont want to do that.I have to but I dont want to!

    I was just a little overwhelmed by all this..Just reminded me of things suppressed deep down... that speaks about yr writing style

  4. U r stronger than anybody...!!

    I'm so deeply touched... Sry, I have no words...

    I just hope the best to happen to u here on...


  5. @ Pretty Me
    Thanks for the well wishing and for reading it.

    @ Randeep
    I respect your view point. But, listening to Evanescence songs has always helped me, no matter how depressing they may seem to others.
    Thanks anyways, for reading :)

    @ Rashi
    Darkness is so beautiful and relaxing, isn't it?? I love it but you know, sometimes you need to be shown a mirror, that "see this is your real life". I have to be strong because there are not many who can actually protect me or save me or assure that everything will be fine.

    And you're perfectly correct in saying that when you feel strong, you know that you're alone. But that's how its supposed to be around me. I've accepted it. No point fighting this thought and wasting energy.

    Thanks for reading and feeling.. :)

    @ Arjun
    Stronger than anybody?? I don't think so!! There still are great people I haven't met. I am strong. That's all I can say...not stronger than anyone else. That will be a little overwhelming...
    Thanks for feeling. :)


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