Sometimes life brings you to a certain point where you don't know what to do. You can't even find the reasons behind your confusion and sometimes you feel like crying for nothing and yet you can't cry, or shout out loud but you can't. It is really irritating when this happens because even if you are around people, or hanging out with your friends, your mind seems to drift away, trying to search and pinpoint the reasons behind this restlessness.
I was restless that day. I made some tea and went to the rooftop along with my radio. It was dusk and the lights from the vast cityscape shimmered like stars. I slowly sipped my tea, smoked a cigarette while listening to the random songs playing on the radio. Something had been bothering me all day. I couldn't put a finger on what exactly it was. I really needed to get high, to keep my mind off of this for a while. I decided to call her. I remembered the last time we smoked pot, we ended up getting philosophical. Maybe this time too, I might be able to find an answer.
"I need to talk to you...come to the rooftop...and bring some."
"Nothing...just some shit I need to figure out...I'm already there.."
"Okay...see you in five."
I was lying on my side on the cool cement floor staring into oblivion when I heard her footsteps. She promptly came and sat next to me. None of us spoke for a while. She took out a joint, lit it up and passed it to me. I took a deep drag and felt relief as I felt the smoke in the back of my throat. I then passed it back to her. We had our silent conversation for a while while passing it back and forth. We sat there listening to random people calling up the RJ and talking to him about their problems. I wondered why they did that.
"These people share their shit with the RJ because they don't have many people they can trust." She looked at me. Could she read my thoughts? Maybe she said it randomly. She passed me the last bit of the joint but I refused.
"Now...tell me what happened?" she asked putting her right hand over my shoulders.
"I've been getting restless about a lot of things but I can't figure out what those things are...you know what I mean?" I looked at her to see if it made any sense to her. She was staring at her feet. I continued anyway. "And it is eating up my head. That is why I thought of smoking weed because then we talk and it clears my head."
"So did it?" she asked.
"Well it's simple..." she said suddenly shifting her position, now facing me, a weird glow on her face. I knew answers were coming, the weed was having it's effect.
"....do you believe in rebirth?"
"What has that got to do with what I am feeling? No, I don't. I think it is all crap."
"Hmm. You feel as if there is no fun in life anymore and you just can't figure out what to do next?"
It was more of an answer than a question but she was right. I felt exactly like that.
"But why? I mean...I've had fun, I've done amazing crazy things, I've had good friends...though most of them are not there anymore...but.."
It felt like a punch on my chest and my heart almost stopped for a moment. There was so much conviction in her voice that for a second I really thought I was dead.
"What do you mean I am dead? Can't you see me sitting here? Now don't tell me I am a ghost." I lit up the second joint she had brought.
"You have finished a life...see, a lifetime is divided into parts called life. You've finished one."
I passed the joint to her. "You don't make any sense."
"Well...since you have finished a life, you're dead...and it's time to take a rebirth and start a new life. Throw away the leftovers of your past life...live this new life in a different way. Stop thinking about why you can't get back your old days and start thinking about what to do next."
And then it struck me. I realized I was irritated by the fact that I was stuck in the past for too long. I didn't want to move on in life. I had to die and be born again, start a new life in a new way. She was right. She always is. Somehow she managed to hit me hard with facts every time in her own weird way and I loved it. Maybe I should never have left her, but it's too late, and we are better off like this.
"You're right." I said, and she smiled at me. She got up and pointed to the front of her T-shirt. It said "I Am Always Right".
"But what if I don't want to die? Maybe just fall asleep for a while? Won't that work too?" I felt like a fool asking her this after everything she explained but I wasn't ready to die just yet. This time she laughed and turned around. The back of her T-shirt said, "You Are Right Too."
- The Lover@SoulIntoxicated