I lay there in the bathtub staring in oblivion. The pain in my chest was too much tonight. I wanted it all to go away. I wished I could just tell him I knew and get it all over with. But I held back the urge for the millionth time. I wished I could scrub the skin off my body. I didn’t feel like myself in it anymore. I felt dirty and impure hiding all the filth inside me. And then the bathroom door opened and he peeped in.
“Honey, are you done yet?”
I didn’t know what to say. I looked at him and just smiled. That is all I had strength enough to do. Was I done yet? I guess I was done a long time ago, the day I had first found out. He came home late like he had done many times before. But this time it was different. I could sense it in the way he was acting and talking. I asked him as usual what made him so late and unlike before, his answers had a tone of uneasiness. I knew then that he was lying but my love was too blind to see it. It has been almost three years now and it still is. I know he is still seeing her, sleeping with her.
I came out of the bathroom wearing a robe. He was waiting for me on the bed. We were going to make love. Maybe he enjoyed having sex with her but we; we made love, and making love was not an easy thing to do especially when one of us was faking it. Knowing that what we did was exactly what he did with her made it that much harder on me. I felt intimidated. I still wasn’t able to understand what made him seek intimacy in someone else. Was it because of me or was it just him? Was I too flawed? Was I not exciting enough? Did I not satisfy him completely? These were questions I wanted to scream out to him every time we made love. Rather, I just moaned out his name. He thought it was in pleasure but he had no idea how much pain was hidden in it. He was in me but I never really felt it.
“Oh! I love you…” he groaned.
I wanted to say, “I know you do but not enough. You love me but you love her body.”
“I love you too…”
I’ll never let him know that I know. It’s a secret I’ll take with me to the grave. And maybe in the afterlife, when everything is revealed, he’ll know that all this while I knew and then the way he’ll feel will be my revenge. Till then, I’ll keep on loving, and moaning and pretending. I just wish I had the kind of power over him that she had that made him risk everything just to be in her. I wanted to mean that much to him. For once, even for just a moment, I wanted to be the other woman.
The Lover @ SoulIntoxicated