Dear Destiny

Dear Destiny,

It was you, who first told me that 'if ever I were to sit beside you, you could not talk for hours and we could have the best conversation ever.' It was you who talked of darkness, and of love, conjuring a slide of subtle sweet words that I sipped down, mesmerized with the wondrous possibility of having someone fall into me. It was you who created a changed man who was capable of love. But with that, came a changed man who could now feel pain and be afraid. It was you who created my destiny. 

You talked of your desire to be loved, and to love, how you needed someone to need you. I felt I was destined to fulfill that desire but you never really believed in destiny. You wanted me to stretch my arms towards you but you wanted me to understand when you suddenly needed to withdraw into yourself, into your shell of broken dreams. I was so preoccupied in wiping off your tears that I never noticed the ones in my eyes. Slowly the tears dried out and I fell asleep in the dark. I never really understood the meaning of wiping off your own tears.

You talked of being too scared to commit, not realizing that every time you kissed my face, told me that you missed me, that you longed for my arms around you, and every time you talked of us together, you made a commitment. It was a promise that my heart swallowed up and sent pulsing through every vain in my body. But still, the closer I tried to get to you, the further away you seemed - an irony I was not able to understand. Wasn't this what you wanted, what you needed?

You asked me what no woman who believes in coincidences should ask of a man; to love you unconditionally, to dream with you, to "trust" you. Despite the many conditions that sprang up, the dreams that kept breaking, and the many reasons that made trust seem futile, I gave you what you asked for. I was so obsessed with trying to fix you that I didn't realize that I was slowly becoming unfixable. I didn't know that I was not supposed to fix you, someone else was, or were. I wasn't your destiny after all, just a coincidence in a string of coincidences. I wonder if I was ever able to make you a believer or just make you even think about it? Then I wonder why I became a believer in destiny myself? Was it because of you, because you were my destiny or were you my coincidence too?

If indeed you were just a coincidence, then all of it meant nothing and I shouldn't really care because more coincidences will come along, and I'll start all over again. The damage would be fixable and I would eventually find my destiny. But what if you weren't a coincidence? This thought haunts me all the time. If you really were my destiny, then that means I'll be unfixable forever. How and when am I supposed to know? Time will tell? I haven't heard time speak for so long that I doubt if it even has a voice. Maybe till the day I find out, I'll assume you were my destiny because even though that would mean I'll be unfixable, it would also mean that all of it had a meaning, a purpose. My love was not in vain.

Love,

Me, Unfixable.

- The Lover @ Soul Intoxicated