May 8, 2009

Experimenting…


 

I'm experimenting with the opening scene of a story I'm writing and I need you guys to review it for me and gimme any feedback that might be useful. …


 

The sunlight hitting the ground shone in thin, crisp rays. The grass was tall and healthy but not green. The breeze hit the blades and swayed them from side to side. When viewed as a single stalk of grass it seemed to be swaying to a rhythm of some distant, melodious tune. But from where Asther saw it, the entire field held in her gaze, it seemed as if it was an army of warriors brandishing its swords. She knew, even though she didn't lift her head to look up, that the sky was slowly being clouded by a thick grey mass and soon huge drops would begin to fall and drench her. But she didn't move an inch. She was rooted to the ground, her senses numbed. She hoped the rain would begin soon because her throat was constricting, her eyes welling up and she wouldn't be able to stop her tears once the flow started. She swallowed hard and looked at the vast stretch of barren land below her. Heaps upon heaps of skeletal remains were in sight. This was what was left of the war.

5 comments:

  1. A brilliant start. hmm... hoping to get the plot elaborated now and moving on with the stories... the description at the top is awesome... waiting to read the whole poem...

    Best of Luck :)

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  2. gud beginning....
    cut down the but's and when's a bit....just a suggestion thou...m nt an expert

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  3. A very promising start! likd it! :)

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  4. liked it a a lot !! really cool .. write more ... m waiting :)

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