December 12, 2008

The Last Rain.



'at 5pm, I've an amazing surprise for you'

'wow! I can't wait, seeyou then'.

Click.

---------------------------------------------------------

 

She'd reached the rendezvous ten to five. He was very punctual. Guessing the surprise, she walked to the only shelter in the park and found a suitable place to wait and glance around, children were playing their frivolous games, people were jogging/gossiping; she soon lost interest.

 

Glimpsing at her watch in anticipation, she re-read all the sms, recited all supplication, plotted her new story, minute's hand was too lethargic to move on, ten minutes seemed like eternity.

 

Sun was bright but clouds appeared and it turned dim, she called him at 5 but the call couldn’t get through. She recalled, his cell was switched off and since it had never happened before, a wave of panic arose in her.

Slight breeze had started to blow, she could adore so in normal circumstances, but then all the fun seemed to be lost in the grass.

 

The clouds had taken over and it had started to rain. Ten more minutes passed, he was never late, the worst of fears started popping in her head, cascading her, and her usual rational self vanished. People started to leave and the park turned deserted.

 

After some more minutes, she was already crying, beseeching, pleading and praying to God. And exactly when it turned 6 the pain started in her lower abdomen, so severe and unbearable that she gasped while clutching the bench's back and yelled for help. Her voice subdued in the pitter patter of droplets.

 

The rain had made everything gray; flowers, grass, swing, their hue was drained off. She noticed a silhouette far away and screamed. The pain was getting worse, pulsating, piercing in her flesh ripping it apart. The charm was lost and death seemed to open its claws ruthlessly and coming near.

 

It was him. Grieved. Devastated. Two young men had forcefully taken his new car's keys at gun point some time ago. His surprise was lost in the slush-piles. Much worst awaited him.

 

It was too late when he reached there, she was almost dead. He knelt down and shrieked in-vain.

 

Rain concealed everything - their bodies and voices. 

 

 ---------------------------------------------------------

 

 

'click'

'close the lights, camera and sprinkler. That’s the best shot of my life'.

 

There was a round of applause supplanted by screaming.

Mona? Mona! Mona..

Ambulance.

Hospital.

Graveyard.

 

The movie was a super hit.

21 comments:

  1. Now thats a creation straight from the master! Subhanallah!!

    I had no feelings, until I saw the boy reaching the park ... I was sad - another sad ending ... I was relieved to hear the Director shout out the 'Cut' ... felt happy ... then, when Mona did not wake up and she ended up in the graveyard - I was again sad ... I was stunned by the changes - by the turns this prose has taken ... I was sad at last when I understood the whole story ... I was so sad that the news of the Box Office too, could not make me happy - never ever again!! :( :(

    ... Thanks for writing it ... Maybe, I was waiting for this story since I joined TWL ...

    God Bless you Asbah ... Keep writing ...

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  2. Is this rain? Is this pain? Is this a river, with twists and turns of its own? I have less words and more stunning expressions after reading this!!

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  3. No Need to thank for anything ... We all should thank you for this awesome post!

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  4. guyz!!! is it a rain story contest or a sad story contest???? :)
    btw.. well written!!! especially the second half!!

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  5. wow... brilliant asbah!! :)
    loved the starting, the ending...
    and the middle too!! :D

    all emotions found, and eloquently expressed!!

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  6. Hey.. nice piece of work there...

    I thought the last - ambulance , graveyard thing was unnecessary....

    But anyway, another good one....
    Now the lounge desperately needs a happy post... ;)

    Cheers..!!
    Arjun

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  7. Asbah !!! this story is a superhit !!!! loved the way it progressed and then the final words ... :)

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  8. After 2 similar thoughts, you come up with something no1 ever thought of!!! :)


    Should I say it was brilliant? No it wasnt..It much better :)

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  9. hehe... Rag, true! i had already been working on one.

    somehow, since i am a sad fairy. and since rain is generally associated with tears, usually of grief, i think rain and sad ending are together by default. although anyone can rebel!

    Arjun, i add the ambulance and graveyard think to show the sequence of events, i couldnt add details owing to the word constraint na.

    thankyou, though genuine critic challenge me to imrpove, acknowledgement keeps me going :P

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  10. islexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx...take a bow....you are churning a new story by the day...n here i am..stuck with laods of work since the last few days...*sniff* *sniff*...

    captivating story...the changes you brought in the course of the story was just brilliantly done islex....this one was a whiff of change...wow! too good..stands up and applauds....

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  11. lol, yeah i was waiting for you to pour something. This lounge is missing two things now, cup of coffee and you. no relation between the two though, no one can drink you afterall, coffee's cant write.. anyway..

    my futile attempt at humour:(

    Thankyou.. and yeah! it has suddenly broken my writer's block. .and i am writing - finally!

    thanks for the Unjix ;)

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  12. This made my heart feel so heavy that I was almost in tears..
    Di, I won't say anything for this one. It deserves only to be felt.

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  13. Well i usually associate rain with happiness, pleasure, love..but yet another post associating rain with pain, well individual perspective i guess

    but brilliant post, i have learn a lot reading your posts and also your useful comments and suggestions
    you are really good

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  14. shruti, i wont reply to you then, i will only smile. :)

    Jack, oh no, there is nothing as really good. but thankyou

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  16. I love it, i was guessing in the beginning what is all about the first 4 - 5 lines he / she then i love the way it was beautifully put up.

    Love the emotions, reasons, and the objective all combined together beautifully.

    Nice effort!!!

    Love it....

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  17. Would like to add one thing more in the comment....

    For a moment i was lost in the story, how deep doesnt matter but it does take me of to somewhere and was glued for a moment on the story wanted to carry it on!!!

    I think that's the best in this short story

    Which i think should be fully credited to you!!!

    Congratulation on nicely put up

    Make Allah give you more strength and guidance to write more beautifully

    Ameen Summa Ameen

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