November 27, 2008

My Guilty Promise

It was the seventh period and the class attendance was half. Reason: My school's much talked about conti party. I didn't go. Dad didn't allow. I had to listen to him. After all, I"m living with him. Chuck that. The seventh period was the Physical Education period. I wasn't in a mood to play. No one was there. Shivani had gone to the party. So I sat on the dais stairs with Vindhya and Mansa. My iPod was plugged in and we were talking about friends and solitude and all the world's philosphical things. I said, "Let me play my and Drishti's favorite song. We used to sing it all day." The conversation ended with the period and we went back to our respective classes. The next two periods were strangely interesting. I came back home and had lunch despite of my hunger strike. That strike was for my parents to come back together. Seeing it getting wasted, I took to eating back.

I called the driver at about 3:15 pm and asked him to come as quickly as possible. He came at around 4 and I was in Gurgaon by 5:30. He dropped me at Galleria. I asked him to inform mom that I was in Gurgaon and that I would be meeting her. I had not called any of my friends to give me company. I was feeling terribly lonesome. I wanted to go ane meet mom but something was holding me back. I wanted to stay here...and not go back home. I saw people smoke and have drinks behind the Wine Shop. I didn't want the booze. It makes my head spin. But I wanted to smoke. It was the weakest me asking for a smoke. I confess this....I was weak at that time. I had smoked yesterday also... I wanted to tell this so I couldn't find a place better than this!! I hate me for smoking. I hate me for deceiving my own principles. I hate me for everything. I held myself back. I knew that smoking was bad. It is bad. Come on!! I made him give up smoking and here I was...drooling for the high. "It's pretty cold." I thought. That's no excuse. But I found myself walking towards the shop to get myself a slender piece of shit. The guy lit it up. My lips touched it. The smoke was whirling in the bud. Soon it came out and sooner than I thought I joined the "smokers" group. I sat near the fountain...blowing off my sanity. After it was all finished, I jogged myself to mom's house. That must be about a good fifteen kilometres.

Mom was sleeping. I didn't disturb her and went straight to my room and here I am...typing my guilty experience of the smoking. While I smoked there, I thought of all the deaths I witnessed. I then remembered that tomorrow is my eldest brother's 2nd death anniversary. Wow!!! It's been two long years since I lost him forever. Tears trickled down my cheeks instantly and I rubbed the small bud on the ground and ran.
I promise this to myself and to everyone that I will not smoke ever again. It's not who I am. And it's not who I'll ever be. Sorry. I apologize to myself and to everyone whose faith is still with me. I won't let my solitude take over me!! Ever!!!


  1. InshALlah I believe in you and I have faith in you.

    I broke one of my promises i did to myself yesternight too :( and all the night i ended up cursing myself and hating myself. I am finding it very easy to break rules :( I am wedged between my dogmas and their bad world..

    Solitude can get awful sometime too.. I hope you never blow your life in smoking honey! *hugs*

    I hope and pray hard that you be saved, you find peace, love and solace :)


  2. we all have weakness and we all break promise .. but thats no reason for us to break another promise .. i hope you will keep up your promises ...


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