October 27, 2008

When I look back, I don't see myself..

I walked past them. Each one of them. They just sat staring at me, awestruck!! Just a while ago, I had cleared everything with them. Specially the girl I had hated so much but always showed that I liked her. Not my cuppa tea!! So.. I put everything right... or wrong!! A not-so-sweet conversation between both of us and everyone looked at me in I don't know what look. Adaah was the only one who understood the reason of my fury. No.. not the usual mood swings.. neither the pissed off brain.. but a broken home.. Yeah??? I don't really know.

So this chic and I talked for good twenty minutes and cleared everything. "I don't like you kiddish way of talking. No.. I hate it!! I don't want you to call me silly nick names. I hate them too. I don't really care what your problems are and you better stop making more of you minute problems. You say you're in deep shit. Is getting a scold from your mom over your phone is deep shit?? Step into my shoes and you'll know what actually deep troubles are..." That has to be no one but me. Adaah said, "Its fine, Shane. Just relax." I took a sigh and gave it a thought.

What was the reason of the sudden outburst of my anger??? I was angry. Sure..I was angry. But why?? So, going back to my house. No mom, no dad, only dogs.... hmmm.... can be a scary feeling. Anywas, I call mom, she's with her doctor. Fair enough. I call dad, he's in a surgery. Hmm... fair enough. Whom should I call now?? Adaah?? She'll be busy... Night falls. My house again fills up with two known still unknown people. Do I really know them?? I guess I do!! C'mon. They gave me my life... But no... I don't know them, for never had I seen them so quiet. Never had I seen them so angry all the time, with each other. Never in my small life had I felt cold vibes when around them. Next day, I go to meet my friends. I meet Adaah, Daksh, Richa and that dumb-ass chic Anjali. She saw me and screamed in the middle of the market, "Oooohhh, I love your sunglasses. Can I wear them??" "No!" I replied. Adaah and Daksh looked at me strangely. That was rude. I know, I said sorry to her after that.

Change of place... TGIF's. More poeple and less patience in me. I don't speak there. Adaah nudged me a couple of times, I didn't bother. That was the time when Anjali actually got on to my nerves. I was sitting peacefully, sipping through my pinnacolada, when she started talking, "You know Shane, my mom scolded me today. I am in deep shit, Tutu." "Tutu?? who's that?" I asked. "That's you, silly. Yeah, so she said that I'm always talking on the phone and never talk to her. I'm so in trouble" said she. I took a sigh and continued to be silent. She literally shook me and my drink spilled. I looked at her in anger and *bang* my anger burst out. I walked out and took the car. I was sorry because my voice was pretty loud to make Anjali cry. I didn't regret what I said. I am a bad driver. I drive rash. I am bad.. very bad.. probably unworthy of all the facilities I have. A big car... I don't need it. Designer clothes... what for?? I don't want my parents to compensate their fights by giving me a car to drive all over the city....I was at a whopping 110 kmph on the express highway with no professional driver. I was scared because I know I drive bad. Wind ruffled through my hair. Amy Lee's voice felt as a dart on my heart.

I pulled over before I entered Delhi. Traffic was at an awesome speed. My car was parked in the middle of the highway. The 16 lane Gurgaon highway. Those who've been there would understand the gravity of the danger I put myself into. My palms were sweaty on the stearing wheel. My eyes were wet. I rested my head on the stearing wheel and cried out loud. Maybe it was needed. It was needed to take that anger out of me. Anger of watching my home break down and not been able to do anything. It was too late before I could do absolutely anything to save it. I heard horns and took my car aside. There was one man in a car who slowed down to say something to me. His words.. "I don't know what do these kids think when given a car and a loud stereo." I looked at him with the same wet eyes and he soon speeded up.

Mom gave me goodnight kiss and said, "Goodnight sweaty. Sleep well." I asked, "Mum, are you leaving??" "I'll let you know. I'll be back soon" she said and disappeared in the darkness.
I just wish that if I would have had a normal life, I wouldn't have been the girl I am today. But..thats what life is... What you wish, doesn't always happen...


  1. I cant say i went through the same pain, a little similar maybe. Its awful seeing your home break away like that. Its hurting the way the two people that should be bonded into one are so distant. Together under one roof but million of miles apart. I faced it :) and I was/am the eldest. I have found my little diary again.. and my old entry.. written by I dont know, 13 year old me.. i will post it here hehe.

    the Good is that they realized, Alhamdolilah. And are still together.. but the thing is, my childhood could be more playful and carefree and i might have weaved better memories. I lament it less now though. and it was all suppose to happen anyway...

    and btw, i didnt have a car then. and music always freaked me out.

    GOSH! phew i grew up. I dont like childhoods.. tsk!

    so yes, another strong post by you :)

  2. you're lucky that they got back..and I hate my car.. I don't want it. And well, music is the only way I calm down..

    Thanks for reading Di..and I'll be waiting for your diary entry.. :)

  3. thats what life is...what you wish doesnt always happen...but still we continue hoping...hoping that a new day will bring in new promises...a new future...and we keep anticipating...thats what life is...and thats the beauty of it...

    well written...i liked the way you described your emotional turmoil seated in tht car...that para in particular stands out from the rest...keep posting shruti..

  4. Sandeep you're correct..we keep hoping for another sunshine..but what do u do when you're too tired of waiting for that sunshine??

    but i guess, we still hope and pray..

    thanks for reading...and thanks for the comment..


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