Will you still love me?

A story of Insecurity after betrayal, Hope after reassurance...and love after tears!



 
Image: courtesy -http://fc06.deviantart.net/fs8/i/2005/311/f/d/Boy_and_Girl_by_BeautifulEnemity.jpg
He - 28th August, 2011. Times of India - New Delhi Office.
 I am Suraj Batra, a final year journalism student. It was my first day of internship at office. Seven new interns alongside, and an entertainment section joint editor giving us a tour of the office building, this was exciting. I was out of sync from everyone around me. When all the other 3 male interns were soberly dressed in a check formal shirt, the "beer does a body good" imprinted black T-Shirt was helping me nothing in making a decent first impression. I made a puppy face to the receptionist when she gave me a strange look and immediately decided that I shall rather remain blank when the same strange look is given from all others whole day. The puppy face is not a politically correct escape gesture when u are a guy, specially a guy like me. Slightly overgrown beard, messed up hairs, disorganized and carefree are the two words which actually define me. It took me not long to notice the four other girls in the internship team. The green top had assets that can help me spoil every darn assignment by taking off my concentration, the pink top was cute but looked the rodies type emo a bit - certainly not my taste, the black top was a stunner - 11 on 10, well out of my reach. The fourth one was Strange. she was the most properly dresses among all the girls. Their was an air of arrogance about her which took me to a complete disliking of her. She was walking a few steps ahead of me. White suit and neatly lying from the corner of her shoulders, a dupatta on it. Pinned hairs, half left loose, partially revealing the smell of shampoo looking slightly wet still. She must have been 5 feet 6 inches tall, wheatish complexion, dark black eyes and perfect lips resting below a small nose. She had spectacles resting on her head like a pro reporter or something and she was the only one among us who had not uttered a word yet. She looked the confident-practical breed. The one that hated those like me the most. 
Anyways, I decided to focus on the office tour. It was a colorful creative place and no matter how pain in the ass shall be rising early every morning to come here, I was sure that once in the campus-it shall be fun.15 minutes break after an hour of briefing and touring, all interns quickly made their way to the cafeteria. Names and a little intros were exchanged, Riya, Tina, Akriti. Rahul, Ajay, Vinay. The strangeness was yet to reveal anything about her, she looked disinterested in the chirpiness of the exciting initial conversations and rather continued to tap her touch screen phone to post something on what slightly from the corner looked like twitter screen. I started hating her more and more. What attitude man! She smiled a little and said "excuse me", her voice was contrary to her personality. It was so sweet and polite. I wanted to make a call to my room mate and ask him to pick me up from here only for the matinee show of the movie, the network was breaking and I decided to walk out of the cafeteria to search the signal lines. I found a few finally and managed to get the call connected, It was ringing now.She was standing in the corner watching Delhi from the window and smoking a ciggratte. I tip toed near her, almost forgetting the call. "This can kill, Hi..Suraj. IIMC, JNU final year." I smiled to her. She said nothing in return. Fuck! I made a fool of myself again - I hate my nature at times. "anyways...." I whispered and just as I was about to leave her alone. She turned her face to stare in my eyes and said "I know it kills, and hence I shall have another one soon" She smiled a little. Her eyes were red. She left. My friend on phone was screaming "Abey kuch bolega......." 

---- Pulkit & Maithili


(To be continued Next Wednesday)

Ek Mayoos Guzarish!

Jab kal raat pyaas lagi toh yaad aaya ki hum kab se pyaase they
Raat ki un tanhaiyon mein har lamha jaagey they

Aur yaad aaya ki zindagani mein aapse kya kya mila…

Ek hansi se jeene ka sahara mila
Ek hansi se dubey ko kinara mila
Ek hansi se patjhad k mausam khile
Ek hansi se khushiyon k manzar mile

Jab kal raat aankh lagi toh paaya hum kitne akele hain
Raat ki khamoshi mein sapno ki bebasi se khele hain

Aur yaad aaya ki zindagani mein aapse kya kya mila….

Un ankhon ka nasha jisne paimaane chuda diye
Un ankhon ki jhalak jisne dhoke bhula diye
Un ankhon ki nazaakat jisne hayaa sikha di
Un ankhon ki gehrai jisne duniya bhula di

Yaadon k bhanwar mein is kadar kho gaye
Waqt ka ehsaas hi na hua aur hum puri raat ro gaye

Aaj ek haare huye dil ki koi fariyaad sun le
Aaj ek tanha akele ki koi awaaz sun le
Aaj ek humdard ki talash koi puri kar jaaye
Aaj ek sahare ki kami koi puri kar jaaye

Aaj do pal meethey koi khairaat mein hi de de
Aaj ek lamha pyaar ka koi majaak mein hi de de
Koi tumhari jagah na le paye sahi
Bas do pal k jazbaat hi de de

Jab kal raat aansu bahey toh paaya ki is kadar dard mein toh hum jee na payengey
Zakhm itne genre hain ki agar marham na mile toh hum inhe see na payengey!

(PS - This is a dramatic comeback to TWL. For two reasons, One After personalizing my blog space and removing its viewership rights, This is the first time I have blogged. Secondly, I was never sure if I had a courage to make such a confession prone and close to heart post on the lounge after such a long time. Its almost a diary entry, so far from fiction and so close to everything in my life right now)

(PPS - This is dedicated to people who fail to realize the importance of attention that people in pain seek. May god give you the vision to see beyond interests, beyond needs, beyond motives and beyond circles to identify those around you, who are in need)

PICTURE SOURCE

One More Time

Say it again, Oh Baby! Say it again
Let me be clear, Let me hear it again
Let me see my world fall apart
Oh Baby! Let me witness my part

I tell you I am not strong
But I know, I have to take this along
I know the words you will convey
Oh Baby, but if you should, then you may

Don't hide it, don't fake it anymore
Go if you want to, just say it once more
Don't worry if it will hurt, if it will pain
You see Dear! It's about love and loss, not gain

So, Say it again, Oh Baby! Say it again
Let me be clear, Let me hear it again

It's not easy, to see this fall
But it's harder, to carry this all
So It's better, you kill me right here
Oh baby, Don't bother about every year




When I look down in your eyes, today
I see no place, nowhere for me to stay
I knew you would leave me, somehow
It's a bit early Dear, But if it is, let it be now

So, Say it again, Oh Baby! Say it again
Let me be clear, Let me hear it again

And while you walk down the other way
For one last time, let me ask you this straight
You remember, the day when you came
Was it only to hurt me, all over again?

Explicit terms, Implicit trust.

It's likely that this might not mean anything. Or this might mean everything. It's the degree of separation of acceptance and agreement. When i first started to write, I didnt know I could. Whether I could form sentences simply. It didnt make sense then to think. Then why now? It's the mere audacity of oneself, not even belief. Just the acceptance that you know it and you can do it. It isn't even difficult to inculcate things you learn, because "you learn whatever you want to do". It's not a compulsion or force. It's like how one sometimes hates gravity? And wishes to give back by learning how to fly a plane or a kite? I cant fly, so I run. I move on, because then it all makes sense. This running is not an act of cowardice or frustration. It's the other act of "running".
Where you know where you're going.
Headed someplace you know you will be resented. It's as simple as that.
There isnt a guide, there isnt a map, there isnt a future. There is just you and reality and illusion. (Richard Bach provides such insight I tell you. It's fortunate.)

Pleasure and pain both recieve each other well. Whether its a game, sex, a conversation, a relationship. We hurt because we apparently love. Pleasure and pain. Why is it so hard to listen to someone who is happy or sad? Mere jealousy? Or plain ignorance?

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly."


This makes absolute sense. It's like the wheel of fortitude suddenly spinning in your direction with gratitude. The fortitude of a person to hold on to both pain and pleasure in thier lives is respectable for the fact of having emotion for the unknown or the very known. It's fundamentally human to depend on some figure for both these emotions. Fear to undergo it, is obvious ignorance of the same.

If you pick up the large black hat and there's no rabbit popping out of it, well, then, I guess you have seen what we explicitly call, reality.

Love you hon!!

Speak to me,
come over the nightmare
puke all the dirt away
this wont hurt
give me all your pain!

Lay beside me,
let me feel your heartbeats
what they are sayin?
what day are dreamin?
wondering if its me..

Hold me close,
Hug me tight
and thank God we're together
Yeah, I will love you hon
always,forever and ever!!

Love blind...

"We aren't meant to be...never..." she said...devastating him...

Days passed....

He rang her  "come to my place...once...for oldtimes sake..."

She came...

"Come in..."

silence overwhelmed them ....

"What do you want..??" she asked...

"I just want you to be present"

He slit his throat...

She died for the rest of her life...

P.S- My first attempt at 55 fiction...hope it came out good...

        @Rose- sorry...i liked the theme very much couldn't resist writing about it.

        Ciao...

Bereavement

The pain lingers in my eyes
My reality has turned in a petty lie
The soul tarnished
Emotions whimper
Lifeless beauty
Hazy goals
The broken heart
Stage of life but I have no part
Hatred, anger is all that is left
Life that was mine, but now is theft.



also at http://thehope-life.blogspot.com/

I am not fine

He: how u doing?
Me: fine
He: u sound low
Me: no I am fine.

I am fine….it is a statement I despise from the core of my heart. Because in spite of this ready fineness, I am not fine.

Then why is it so hard to admit. Why am I always putting that sweet smile in front of everyone that tells them that I am fine?

I have few ready answers to this –

1. Everyone who presently copes up with me, will hate me for saying this.
2. I don’t want people to pity on me. Self – pity is hard enough to live with.
3. I love the feeling of being loved for my sweet demeanor, which I feel vanish with time if I tell them its not fine.

There are many more reasons but for now these are the ones more prominent. Tell me is it always easier to pretend, than to face the reality or to be blunt. Why is it so hard to tell them that it is not okay? Why it is always so difficult to say no, when my conscience refuses even the idea of it.

Day by day, my own self is becoming a huge mystery to me. The more I look for answers the more I get tangled in them.

Someone said to me that nothing in life is permanent. But then why is this temporary phase so torturing.

When can I be free enough to say it is not fine? I am not fine.

PS: into a lot of negative mood today guys....its been a bad day...so just felt like sharing with u guys...as it WL is like my family..

Past Memories.......

In the past I was your life..

Why remove your past from life??

In the past I was your future,

You were my Love and I was your's...

Now??

Nipped in the bud....

Prescript
A bunch of goons kidnap a school girl and demand a bulk amount from the girls parents. The girls parents any how try to arrange the said amount. This is what happens when they see their kid back.
A green blanket enveloped the 15 year old girl as she came running towards her parents.
She hugged her mother.
It was a disgraceful act by the fiends who ravished the girl which left scars all over her body.With a thousand souls witnessing this , she tightly held her mother by her soft arms.Each tear from her eyes had many things to say.It symbolized her sorrows and the pain that she suffered as she tackled the monsters.
"Go away Dad,Go away Bhaii," She urged her father and her brother not to see her in this unacceptable state.
The innocent eyes shed tears as the entire family was in a state of shock. The brother removed his shirt and covered her sister .
The girl looked at her parents with that innocent look.Her life is nipped in the bud

This is the real face of few "so" called famous cities of India where women security is still a major problem.....

Amma! wait hurts~

Amma!
Now nobody stops me,
While fighting with I.G,
Nobody restricts me,
While playing out,
Nobody consoles me,
While me crying,
I know you cannot be back,
& Amma(my grand maa),
You know now,
Now nobody tells us,
Not to go out alone!
It's unsafe,
Not to laugh loudly,
Our voice can be heard,
Amma!
Nobody now listens to me,
Nobody tells me their griefs,
I feel ignored,
Nobody curdles me,
I feel as if its not only you,
Who left me but,
Even me it me who is lost,
Gone away with you,
Amma!
I miss you!
Amma!
I love you!

-illusiOn~

P.S(She died on 6th of Januray 2009 I still feel her with me.. around me.. sum times i feel she will come to me from somewhere around and will hug me i want to tell her amma! wait hurts)

Defeat !

DEFEAT!

Understand me darling,
will you please!
I need to be here,
With you around you,
To love you to hold you,
Through-out this pain,
I know i can't reduce it,
But can help you,
Growing you making you strong,
Encourage you and guide you,
Even i can't bear,
Your reddish eyes filled with tears,
But here i am,
For you to assure,
I still love you,
With all you are,
No matter how you are,
I believe and want you,
to believe that,
My love can defeat,
All pain of your's!

-illusiOn~

PS(I wrote this and one more for my story "Ehsaas" but unfortunately i am unable to post it here till next thursday till then enjoy this)

Broken Bond..

I was typing fastly and was enjoying chat with B when suddenly my msn informed me that you came online.. heart beated a little fast and my fingers trembled , they slowed thier speed. I again started my work witha little hope in my heart you will be nudging me with in few minutes but then my wait turned into edginess (اضطراب). Argh! why aren't you nudging me or texting me you are online and its 30 minutes now but then only i remembered something we are no more friends. Time insulated us or i may say our ways were now serperated & it hurts i dont know why! but it hurts. I know we will never come accross each other any more, we wont be seeing each other and this idea this fact it just kills..

P.S(I dedicte this piece to one of my finest friend.. as we are no more friends..still sumtimes i feel as if we r still inseparable.I know it so silly of me but i cant i just cant throw you out of my memories i dont even try so..=$..)

The Silent Waters

She stood on the wall of the well

Looked deep down to find the silent waters

There came all the memories to her recall

Back came the days of those slaughters

She was being forced by her father to get drowned

And she did not want to suicide

But what else could the man has done

    It was a matter of the man’s pride

For she was being left alone by the family

And they were going too far

Her little brother was mourning too

How that innocent would know it was a war

When India and Pakistan were made apart

Families faced condition so miserable

All came to kill each other

Be it Hindus, be it Muslims

The girls had to die

For they had no other choice

She didn’t want to suicide

But did she have any voice?

The young girl suddenly got down and ran

To find a place to hide

Her brother calling her not to go

He was also crushed in the tide

All of them gone, no Hindu left

Her family also disappeared

And there came some Muslims

They saw her shivering with fear

There was a good one among them

Who saved her and married

And she was forced to get converted

Quran in her closet since, she always carried

And there comes the day again

She is standing on the same wall

For the previous time it was her father

This time it was son’s call

The merciful day came when she saw her brother again

But they were no more her family

Now she was Hindu no more

She now has a son who listens to her barely

He calls himself a “Jehadi” now

And hates the so called blasphemous

He also became doubtful of her

Asked “whether you are still one of us”

What could have she replied

She, herself didn’t know

Molded herself to time

But it was her time to go

She stood on the wall of the well

And looked deep down to find the silent waters

There came all the memories to her recall

Back came the days of those slaughters

This time she made up her mind

She had come here after all the prayers

Be it Quran, be it Jap Sahib

She read it all with taught flairs

This time she came prepared

She could not have taken any more

And “splash” she went down

‘Coz she was broken from the core

The only doubt she had in mind

Before this quirk …

Which place will she be going?

The Muslims’ Jannat or Hindus’ Swarg!

(Inspired By a Pakistani Movie: Khamosh Pani, The Silent Waters)

P.S.: If you get a chance don't miss this movie..you will get another perspective of how the females are treated in this part of the world...they are always forced to adopt what thier parents, husbands and sons choose for them. It was a heart melting time when I wrote this since my Grandparents have been through all this during the partition. My Grand mother had to stay inside a heap of agricultural waste with a child of 3 years  for more than a week to get out with safely. She was pregnant that time.

Crossposted @ my personal blog 

The Darkness of Eyes...

I tried to look inside my eyes,
And what I saw was a frightful sight,
They appeared as if they were dead,
Every emotion as tear had been shed...

There had been a long wait for love,
To fill those eyes with a peaceful dove,
But the wait I think had never ended,
And the black beauty was left unattended...

The emotion were as dry as a desert,
Wandering here and there, looking for their shepherd,
They lost the war that was never meant to be fought
Hopes and desires will never cross their paths...

People always saw a cheerful dose,
As if comparing thorns to the rose,
The eyes were pinched by the broken glasses of the past,
I wish the pain could be kept behind the bars...

That day they swore never to love again,
Life had driven them completely insane,
Though not blind, it became all dark,
All that was left were the lonely marks...

Goodbye...

Gloom clouds my mind today, I can’t feel
The air around me seems to be dry,
No joy do I feel coming out of me,
The light I cannot see, this darkness blinds me,
Just storm clouds building, appearing in my sky

I cannot gather my thoughts today, I can’t see
Where these roads are now leading me,
No answers do I have for these questions that appear,
I can see a worried face, that one lonely tear,
In my mirror I can see, only a face of silent melancholy.

I cannot breathe tonight; I forget who I am,
No hands hold mine close; they shun me in misery,
I seem lost today; someone revives my lost sin,
No refuge can I see, a happy heart to take shelter in,
I can only see many a deaf ear to my heartfelt plea.

I loved and I have lost, yet this pain it survives,
In my blood does it run, in memories it does live,
Far away, in a land unseen, where I cannot go,
She is in pain; I cannot forgive myself I know,
For what she did want, I could not give.

Tonight is the end, of this life that I now hate,
I see Death calling me, that aura to set me free,
Without that love, I just cannot now live,
For the pain I put me through, I just cannot forgive,
Goodbye cruel world, this is the last you shall see of me.

A Promise Kept

Hey There People!!

:)

The story Below is my Entry to the Ascension Short Story Contest taking place at Clarity of Night.
Would Love to have your Feedback on it

:)

A Promise Kept

  I rushed to the ICU ward of the Hospital as fast as my legs could carry me. It was almost daybreak. Twenty minutes ago, I had received the doctor’s call, confirming that the time had now come. That which I had been dreading; that which I had hoped would never happen; had now come to pass.

Like the dog afraid of his own shadow, I ran towards her.

    The ward came to view. Like a pale ghost, I slowed down to a standstill. The door was ajar. She was looking right at me.

    She seemed to be looking right through me, as though she knew of every thought and emotion tormenting my mind. She had that smile on her face; that carefree smile that even months of chemotherapy had failed to wipe out. Her smile seemed to be telling me something.

But I just couldn’t place it.

     The doctor came out just then. With an apologetic voice, he said “I’m so sorry, son. She succumbed just a few minutes ago. A brave fighter. God rest her soul.”

He walked away.

Terror tore at me and my insides seemed to shrivel up.

“That means . . . . . her eyes . . . . . Oh God!”

She knew I’d come. She kept waiting for me till the very end. Tears leaked out of my eyes. But I held strong. I kept her promise.  I never cried.

And I realized that she knew it.

 Her smile told me that.

P.S. :As of now, it hasn't been published in Clarity of Night yet, But i've been told that it will be The Entry No. 86

:)

The Pain of Losing

Nisha had been in love. It was an emotion she could not understand. He taught her the meaning of love. But today, she had yet another emotion, another feeling that she couldn’t understand. It was the feeling of emptiness. Emptiness she had never felt before. Her eyes searched for him. But he was nowhere. He was far away from her. He had left her all alone in this gruesome world. He had been her best friend since childhood, someone with whom she had shared the deepest and the darkest secrets. He had been her support all her way from adolescence to being an adult. In this hollowness, someone called for her. Nisha tried to hear but couldn’t concentrate. Someone shook her but she dint respond. They finally woke her up from the deep sleep of vacuum. The nurse told Nisha “You should call his parents”. Nisha called his home. All she could say was “Raj....Accident....Yashoda Hospital” and she hung up. She couldn’t explain to herself. What the blood hell was going on?? Everything had gone numb. It was as if she was placed in a crowd and yet she was all alone. She didn’t cry. She was just as silent as death. Raj’s parents came rushing into the hospital and were themselves shocked to find the cold, dead – body of their hale and hearty son. It was unbelievable. Their pain was inconsolable. Someone grabbed Nisha back to her home. Who was this person who was taking her away from her love?? But she couldn’t speak. She couldn’t shout. She couldn’t complain. Nisha was forlorn in her thoughts so deeply that she could not comprehend her surroundings. And before she knew was unconscious. After two days Nisha regained her consciousness. And that is when it struck her. She had lost Raj. He had died. That was first time she had tears in her eyes....Tears of desperation.....Tears ‘cuz of the pain of losing him. Her fairy tale was over. It was just yesterday he had proposed her. Their marriage was fixed for two months from now. She couldn’t believe it. Nisha was awestruck by the irony of life. The next day Nisha went to his grave and cried and wailed hoping his tears might melt him and make him come back to her. She waited the whole day for some miracle to occur. She lay besides his grave till her eyes couldn’t pour any more.

After two years, I saw Nisha again at Raj’s grave. I heard her and this is what she had to say -

“I come to your grave every day, to talk to you. People tell me you can’t hear me because you are gone. I just tell them that you might be gone in their eyes but not in mine. You are still in my heart and you always will be. I cry when I think of you but people ask me why? I just tell them how if felt about you and I still love you and that I miss you so much. But they just tell me that there is no point in still loving you ‘cuz you are gone and you will never come back. And I agree with them. You are gone but you will never be forgotten. I promise....
I pray to God to keep you safe so that I can meet you again in the heaven. I try to be happy but I can’t when I know that I won’t be hearing your voice again. I never thought you would ever leave me. I even asked God why, why did he have to take you and hurt me so much. But he never replies. I wish I could see you one last time, so I could say goodbye. I never knew this could have happened....no one did.
Even thinking about you makes me cry. But ma tells me not to cry and think about all the good past memories. But I said I can’t do it without you because I need your smile and feel your touch while we smile together and look at the good memories.
I know you will never give up on me ‘cuz you loved me a lot. And I will also love you till eternity!!!!”

I had tears in my eyes. She kept his favourite red roses on the grave and left. People say she comes here every day. Yes they call her insane. The pain of losing him had driven her insane!!!!

P.S. Inpired from Rashi's "Till death do us apart"