A letter to J

J,

It has been many years in which every other song I hear reminds me of us, or of you.  In every movie I watch, every novel I read, when the couples kiss, I wonder if it will ever happen to us.  Each time I write with the pen-name Nic, I remember the time you said it's a special name and only you can use it to address me.  Every time I read our letters to each other, I dream of you pointing out those slanted lines to your grandchildren one day (though they may not be mine), showing them that was how you first told a girl 'I love you'.

But dear J,

You do not dream the same things I do; in fact, you do not dream of us at all.  But that's ok, because one day, there will be another guy in my life who will sing my favourite songs to me, telling me they remind him of us.  He will take me to movies and when there is a happy ending, he will tell me that is how we will end up to be.  He probably will not write some hundred letters to me, like you and I did; but he will mean every "I love you" he scribbles on my birthday cards.  He will love me as a woman, his woman; not just a friend or a sister.  And I will love him back.

When that happens, I will be very much older than the teenager who used to be in love with you.  The way we love each other may be very different from what I imagined for you and I.  Perhaps I will not write his name a hundred times when I miss him.  Perhaps he will not call me every night to say goodnight.  Perhaps he will never send me roses.  Perhaps I will not mind that, but perhaps I'd get angry once in a while.  Perhaps we will argue more than we hug and kiss.

Perhaps.... We will live what every teenager will see as a boring love life.

But in times of trouble, he will be the first one I call for help, because I know my problem is like his problem too.  And in precious moments of joy, I will be the first one he misses, because to him, I am his greatest joy.

And you, my dear friend, will find such a woman too.

If I cannot be her, I pray that she will be even better.

Thank you for being my first love that never really happened.  You were perfect the way I imagined us.  You were my dream, and you were the reason I now know how to dream.  Thank you for all that.

May God also bless us and strengthen our friendship to last for many many many more years, so that when I find him, and when you find her, we will tell each other and smile from the bottom of our hearts with sheer joy for the other. 

ILY,

Nic.