October 1, 2008

A Letter I Will Never Send

This is not a good bye, but that’s just what it is. I don’t want to feel that we’re parting, or have parted, or somehow I’ll never see you again. I hate saying goodbye, usually I’m too stubborn to do so. And in this case, I still cannot bring myself to believe it, or admit it. So, in spite of what this may seem, I want you to know this is not a parting.

About two months ago, I started writing a letter I was meaning to email you. I now realize that I can never send it. In the letter I tell you everything I can never say behind this wall of silence. We are two different people, almost strangers. It would be distasteful to send you a letter regarding our yesterdays. It would never find you as I hope, it is a passionate letter which would be foreign to your heart as I am not your lover. My hope of yesterday stands in direct conflict with today’s reality.

The reason I am not going to send it is a simple one. I know your reality.I know my ideas and memories have no place in it. I dare not trouble the calm waters of your life with my fierce spirit. Remember, I have not stopped loving you. I will be writing about you for years to come. The desire that powers my pen for you, also has very real action. Meaning, behind these words are real force. Last time I saw you, I wanted to reach out for you, and almost did. And I don’t, for a second, doubt that you didn’t see that. You looked at me again for the first time, and I you. Behind your composure I saw that you still wondered about me. Two years away had rid you of some of the ill feeling you harbored. Leaving you looking at the fork in the road, wondering which direction to take. I know when you went to bed that night, you thought about me.

And I spent that night, scratched, searching my heart for some desperate way to speak to you outside the language of English. Wishing, you could put your hand on my chest and soak the energy which is my source of power and weakness. What you would have found would have been pure, and all yours.

Life moves on, and forces us into new realities. Like the way your comfortable life would be a total shock to mine. Like the way he says I love you is nothing like the way I do. Think about what you see in my writings, think about what you see in his. I digress, these are words better saved for some place else, not a letter of goodbye, not when this is supposed to be a letter of emotional indifference. (Oh well, I have never been any good at emotional indifference).

It is a line in the sand, a historic document telling how I felt about us, before time put too much distance between us and made us into strangers. I don’t want to walk down a path that you’re not walking, but I have no other choice. I don’t want to say goodbye, but there is little else.

I’ve spent almost 3 weeks trying to figure out how to say goodbye to you. I fumbled with ideas all day, but none seemed fitting for the gravity of this situation. So I decided upon something else, I wasn’t going to say goodbye. Instead of saying goodbye, I have another plan. Here’s what I’m going to do.

Nothing.

I’m not putting you away and I have no intention to stop writing about you. I understand your life has taken you elsewhere, but that will not stop me from what I do best. Obsess. I’m going to kick, scream and shout. I’m going to write passionate love poems about you to the best of my ability, as a protest of your absence. I am going to lament over you for the next several years. And at the end of it, I will look back over the time and say “Now I am done, my sacrifice for you is over”. That time will be a scar on my arm which will serve as evidence and reminder that this was the only way left for me to love you.

I want to leave a piece of my heart missing for you. I want to lament for you across many years. I want there to be a piece of my body and soul that is lost. So that way, no other girl can touch it. So that way, there is a part of me that is solely yours. Your absence will be a ledge in my heart. And when women see it, they will look out across it and wonder what was once in it’s place. Forbidden for them to ever know all aspects of how I love.

And that is how I choose to lose you, on my terms. And in many years from now, I’ll wake up, and be ready to begin my life without you.

Last time we met, remember what you saw when you looked in my eyes? That desire contained is what I want you to see while you're walking away.

1 comment:

  1. its soo touching..
    sad.. but so very logical..

    lovely post again..

    ReplyDelete

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