Tryst with teenage - Part 2

Before I start with the discussion, I would like to rewind myself 4 yrs back, the time I entered teenage with all worldly desires. I would like to look back at my own thoughts, how I perceived things then and how different are my perceptions today. What was my affinity to soft-porn and porno stuff ? Did I ever watch porn ? What influence peers had on me ? Whether my teenage was lived to the fullest ? How do I see myself as I leave the teenage world ? If ever I experienced eroticism ? If ever I experienced aestheticism ? How did I differentiate then ? Lots of questions remain unanswered. After answering and analyzing all these, I’ll draw conclusions. This topic certainly needs much time to jump to the right conclusions.

All written here is straight from my heart. People who get hurt when things are told blunt shall keep away and not read this part. Those willing to read with an open mind shall go ahead.

I remember, it was an April afternoon and as I was about to doze off, entered my cousin (5 yrs elder to me). I was upstairs and the rest of the family downstairs. He entered, switched on the TV and told me to tune in toFTV. This was, if I’m right, 8 years back when I was in class 8. I had no idea what it was and kept changing channels and once that channel was on, he enthusiastically told me ’An interesting channel da this one’. I was not-so-much bothered. He watched for a while and then left. When I think of his enthusiastic dialogue now, I guess he had told just to ensure, I get convinced that FTV was just like any other channel. After a few days, on a boring summer evening, I was reminded of this channel and switched it on. The show on air was ‘LINGERIE’. Maybe that was the time when I reached puberty and no wonder my eyes began looking to my left and right rather than straight at the TV. I made sure I was ready to change the channel if at all my parents give a sudden entry and my thumb impression was inscribed on the ‘NEXT PROGRAM’ button. I was so smart that I used to flick 2 channels so that even if my parents press the ‘PREVIOUS CHANNEL’ button, I would be safe. Hee...hee. I was clever, rather cunning. This continued for hardly a few weeks and I put a full stop to this practice to avoid seeing myself  in a mess. This was my first experience with eroticism. 

If FTV was what enthused boys at their early teens, it is pornography that rattles the hormones of all guys when they enter high school. That's the time when the testosterones are desperate for hyper-action. My experience with porno dates to that one and only day at my friend’s place when I watched Angelina Jolie’s sex scene in the film ‘Original Sin’. I had a horrendous time that evening as I pedaled my way back home from his place. A guilty feeling pervaded my heart and I felt, it was a SIN that I had committed. Never after that did I watch porno. The guilty feeling apart, I also found nothing enjoyable (unlike my friends) to be honest and the motion / activity on screen was disturbing. That was the only day I watched porno and till date, I’ve never visited a porn site. Even today I see most of my friends hooked on to porno and they’re addicted so much. I request if any of you guys reading this write-up could actually share with me your first feel at watching porno. I’m an exception here because I didn’t like it. It’s strange or rather I’m curious to know what actually describes that feeling best and this is where I'm pushed to believe in Pantheism and above all, in the omnipotence of God. I'm unable to justify this connection with God but my instinct drives me to relate them. As for peer influence on me, I’m glad to say, none of my friends forced me to give them company in watching such stuffs and even if they were to, I’m sure I wouldn’t have backtracked. I’m a person strong in my principles and do only things I feel is right for me.

Read the previous sentence again. There’s this peculiar me wherein I feel something is not wrong but when it comes to me doing it, I’m hesitant. Yes!!!! To me, watching porno or arousal of erotic feelings is not bad but somehow I’m not convinced to get myself involved. The reason is, the moment the very thought of watching porno strikes, my heart gets fenced with guilt and fear. It’s an instant feeling and I’m unable to act against my heart. It’s not mandatory that one should watch porno but watching it is no wrong in my opinion. It's part and parcel of everyone's life and one should get to know these things. Though I was averted to watching porn I made sure, I was aware of all porno terms. Guys are sometimes, looked at with contempt if they behave too naive and I agree, it's essential one doesn't see himself a stranger to the land of eroticism.

As I had stated in the previous post, there’s that thin, impenetrable blurring line separating aestheticism and eroticism. As far as I’m concerned, it depends from one person to another. Let me cite one example, the Tamil film Billa (2007) had a scene wherein the heroine Nayanthara , in most people's opinion, scorched the screen with a two-piece bikini and went gaga over it. But to me, neither aesthetic nor erotic feelings were aroused. The reasons for which, I don’t want to disclose and make this space more erotic with my descriptions. While the same Nayanthara in the film Vallavan succeeded in MISSION EROTICISM & AESTHETICISM. One example of eroticism is the song Jaadhu Hai Nasha (Jism). I know you're reminded of  the video... No, here, I refer to Shreya Ghoshal's rendering of that song. Wow!!! that was stunning. She sung at her SEDUCTIVE BEST. The best example I could cite for aestheticism would be a Rani Mukherjee or a Meg Ryan. It’s more of the skin that makes one get erotic. And that’s why I guess, a Namitha has huge fan following down south. I’m sorry to say, I just can’t watch her for more than a second and I still wonder how people watch her. And if there’re two ladies whose pictures I can watch on and on, it would be Meg Ryan and Shreya Ghoshal. The very look at their faces spell beauty. Meg Ryan is like wow!!!. Her cute smile with her eyes blossoming with sparkle really makes me go crazy and You've Got Mail (1998) showcased her beauty at its best. My not getting exposed to too much of their skin is, I believe, the only reason which make them arouse in me, the aesthetic feelings alone.

Eroticism, in my opinion is just like any other feeling which elevates a person to the next level of excitement. It’s a feeling to be respected and if there’s anyone trying to show that in poor light, my reply is ‘I’m sorry boss, you’ve got it all wrong’ I would like readers to answer this…What makes parents prevent their children from watching porno? Or rather why boys hide or shy away from parents while watching porno? Is the latter a result of the former? My question might look stupid to a few, but just give a serious thought about it and post your comments. It should end up an interesting discussion. Looking forward..

As I acknowledge my exit from the realms of teenage, I leave a happy man. I enjoyed, knew where my limits lied and stayed well within them (was never austere though). Thank God !!! I never got caught by parents for all wrong reasons unlike many of my friends who have witnessed all miseries. :)

This write-up demanded quite AN INTROSPECTION...must say